Let me explain.
Since Mike died, almost 7 years ago, it is no secret have been trying different avenues to see which one will help make the most sense of my new life. At each change, I would want to get everyone's approval or fight their disapproval because I didn't know for myself if what I was pursuing was "the right thing". So I would email blast and blog about quitting a job, pursuing my social work degree, moving away, moving back, accepting "my dream job" etc. I guess I just wanted everyone to know I was okay and making positive steps out of my grief.
In those email blasts and blog posts, however, I managed to put a positive spin on what was actual, real confusion inside. Making sense out of an early death of a spouse is no small matter, but also shows how the mind has to make sense out of things in times of distress when the heart continues in confusion. The mind chatters over the heart, muddying things even further.
The mind told me that I went through losing the love of my young life because "I now know what it is like to love and lose so I can work in the field of hospice." I fell in love with hospice when Mike was sick, not because he had full on hospice care, but because hospice in general helps with understanding death. I read numerous books on the subject and we had palliative care, a part of hospice, and I was enamored by the social worker who supported us through all his hospitalizations. Mitch was kind, empathetic, always came to see us the minute Mike was admitted to a room, helped with insurance questions and authorizations, and was honest when he needed to be and put up a facade when he knew we needed that. I remember saying to myself, "I want to be a medical social worker like Mitch, and soften the blow for families facing their darkest days." And I did. And I took Mitch's spirit and compassion and brought it to the lives of so many people. I provided the gift he provided us. And it literally sucked…me…dry. I realized, 4 years in the industry later, that I was on the wrong side of it all. I was able to empathize, but I was re traumatizing myself over and over and over again, immersed in other people's acute medical needs, family crises, hospitalizations, and anticipatory grief. Not only that, but I was engaged in working in a stressful job way over 40 hours a week, and spending nights on call dreading the ring or bing from the cell phone that I was needed at the wee, small and quietly sad hours of the night. My mind had sabotaged my heart, and rationalized my next path in life and in the end it caused me more stress than actual peace.
After months of pondering, as I knew if I walked away from Agape Hospice I would be walking away from being a hospice social worker, I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't know what I would be embracing next, what that avenue might look like, how long the road was or how windy, or if there were stop and go lights and beautiful scenery along the way. But I knew for my own self preservation I needed to, and gave my notice with Friday as my last day.
I woke up this morning feeling like I could actually breathe and maybe live a full life again. I didn't miss the bing and ring of the cell phone telling me where I had to be or what crisis needed attending to. It was liberating to say the very least, and I have not one piece of me that regrets this decision. As to what is next? I am completing a life coach certification and I have a dream to run my own life coach business. I would like to focus on the other side of death, and work with people who have lost a loved one and are trying to figure out how to "move forward" and figure out their own "What's Next" question. I am also pondering some work in creative places, and have an interview tomorrow at a little artist gallery in old town Littleton. But, truly, whatever happens will be the right thing because it is now my heart, with just a little of my head, making decisions.
And, while I don't see myself being a hospice social worker again in my future, I will always love hospice in philosophy and care. It is truly a special place to work and I am lucky to be one of the few people exposed to such meaningful opportunities. On that note, I wrote some prose around my hope for hospice as it continues in the future providing loving support to those who need it.
My Hope for Hospice
My hope for hospice
Is that it continues to be a place of peace and comfort for
families
facing the hardest moments of their lives.
My hope for hospice
Is that each hospice organization in its web can in a loving
way to provide
a weaving of the fabric of love to keep people supported.
My hope for hospice
Is that it can have enough staff resources so that all
hospice workers can have support and can take the time away that they may need
to rejuvenate as they deplete themselves doing such work.
My hope for hospice
Is that everyone involved recognize how hard this job is and
offer support, not criticism or frustration, to fellow colleagues working in
this difficult field.
My hope for hospice
Is it truly becomes a beacon of change for how we face our
humanity, morality,
love and care for each other in this world.
My hope for hospice
Is that we truly can say all of us who work in hospice
truly
do hold
That hospice heart.
As for that next email blast? Well, it may come in the form of my advertising my new life coach business, or perhaps letting people know where they can purchase my little "Boxes Of" as I hope to produce these to sell in stores and galleries. But don't look for a blast seeking approval or disapproval or wanting to prove…that isn't the me I want to be. And it feels really good to step into my own skin.
