How to Stop a Labrador Retriever's Wagging Tail...

...Does anyone know? Or is like taking hand gestures or the voice box away from a human?

I got home today and noticed in my back porch room blood splattered everywhere. Upon investigation, Chester's tail was bleeding. He was still so excited I couldn't get him to stop wagging and moving, so hence blood in the office and kitchen. Needless to say I am taking a break from the lovely chore of wiping up blood off walls.

Chester, how old are you really? Almost 8 or are you going to be 2 forever? Where is that mellow, old man lab I have heard about but don't think I will get for yet another 7 years?

The Help and Other Books that Make Us Think

I just finished reading The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Literally, I just finished the book a few minutes ago. My friend Liz gave it to me months ago. I am a book cover person, and this book cover looked more like a book I would read at a beach than seriously read and comprehend. I started hearing more and more about it, and it became the book club choice of two bookclubs. So, I thought I should read it. It is the reason I go to bed at 7pm and not fall asleep until midnight. Let me tell you...it is more than just a good read. It is a must for your personal library. I felt the same about this book as I did Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale.

The questions that arise when reading this book are: what can be taken away from me? How can one person change how others think of me, and impact my own thoughts of myself as a human being? Who in our society today do we equate to The Help of this novel? Cheers to Kathryn Stockett, a new novelist who made human the people our society de-humanized. Hopefully lessons will be learned from this book about humanity. How good it is, no matter how different from you a person or group of people may be.

I spent the day decompressing. It felt so good. I took a long walk with the dogs, put my pajamas on and laid in bed to read all day. I got up to go to dinner with Robert and Kendra at Mead St. Station and then back home to finish the book. It was a pampering sort of day. I will look forward to more of those to come, especially if I am being introduced to some really good books!

Christmas Past, Present and Future

Each year, we would begin Christmas with a card. We would wake up early, make the coffee, and in our jammies make sure the dogs got their stockings first. Then, we would swap cards. I found two packed in my Christmas miscellany this year. One verse was written, " Melanie, I'm so glad we found each other and that we're sharing our lives together. Merry Christmas, Mike." The other card said, "Melanie, Merry Christmas! I am so glad I get to share this with you. Love, Mike." I put these two cards in my card basket this year, as though Mike gave them to me all over again. There was always something special about the cards. He always picked the perfect verse-each card spoke to who we were as a couple. My favorite was of the couple on the scooter with presents in a basket in the back. I saw us as that couple on the scooter, darting around here and there and having fun doing it.

This year, Christmas was my milestone, and I made it. To top it off, it was actually very pleasant. Good friends and neighbors dropped off Christmas presents. I spent some very quality time with my family. I spent a few hours on phone calls with friends making sure I was doing okay. I got to make a killer meal that nourished my soul and fed my family well. I laughed and felt light-hearted as I listened to David Sedaris telling his story of being a Macy's elf on NPR. Chester and Stanley had one too many chews, and Stan wholeheartedly ripped the tail off his beanie baby squirrel ("Ok Stan, that is enough" as I pulled the toy away). It was a much better day than I anticipated.

I drove to the cemetery and spent a few minutes at Mike's headstone. I made a vow that I am going to use his memory as a push forward, as an inspiration, as the strength I need to keep going, and not use his memory to hold me back. It is like the momentum of that couple on the scooter on the card Mike gave me-propelling me forward and not holding me back. So, perhaps I didn't spend time this morning opening a Christmas card from Mike, but I reflected on how that past Christmas card might be a symbol for my future. So in a way, I did open a little package from him; it was just a little more unconventional than the paper card in a paper envelope. Mike never did always play by the rules.

Merry Christmas

Tomorrow it is Christmas, and Chester, Stanley and I wish you all the very best for the holiday and the upcoming year.

Zumba and Other Treats

I took my first Zumba class tonight. I was impressed with myself for a variety of reasons. First, this class was out in Broomfield, which is at least 30 minutes away. Also, it is held at 5pm on Sunday night, which is something where I need a little poking and prodding. Finally, it was a commitment, which I have a hard time with sometimes. But I did it. My friend Karen works for the City and County of Broomfield. She told me about this class and we committed to it. I also brought a Regis friend along, one who is just as uncoordinated as I in the dance department. As class was wrapping up, I actually committed to going back. And, maybe finding another Zumba class during the week. It must have been a success.

A success for a variety of reasons. I felt alive. I was moving, sweating, dancing, working out...My body did movements that it hasn't done in years. I felt free, I didn't care if I looked funny or uncoordinated. It was fun. And I was bummed when it was over.

Zumba is on my list for what will make the 2010 Melanie year great. As will be Jazzercise-I have wanted to try it and I think it is similar to Zumba. I just want to feel good, free, happy...so hopefully these commitments will help me be that way. I also had a fabulous weekend where I slept a lot and read. I am reading The Help and the story is one of those that is hard to put down. I crawled into bed the past few nights at 7:30 and just read. Such a treat. I napped and read throughout the weekend, another treat. The best treat of all was seeing Mike's headstone at Fairmount today. I went to the cemetery just because it had been awhile and lo and behold his stone was up. I was surprised because if I knew I would have brought ornaments to decorate the tree nearby and a wreath...but I was happy to see it there. It looks nice, and now the people running along the highline will see me standing in front of a stone and not an empty space. Really, this is a new milestone in my grief process. I have hope that this is a symbol for a good 2010.

Side note: RIP Brittany Murphy, a young actress whose death reminds us all to live each day as if it is our last, as it truly can be.

I heart my bookclub

Every December, my bookclub scraps the monthly book and socialize instead. One year we went to Lola; last year Wash Park Grill. This year I invited everyone over to my house. Earlier in the season I wondered if I would put up a Christmas tree and I decided if I hosted the event I would. I asked the ladies to bring an ornament to adorn the tree. Almost everyone was able to come, which makes for a cozy night in my teeny house. The boys were barricaded in the back so they didn't annoy us all night. We ate, drank, talked, laughed and everyone put an ornament on my tree. I couldn't ask for a better way to celebrate the holidays with my favorite group of women.

I am looking forward to the next two weeks with two long weekends. Work has been disappointing lately. Our entire Advising department was demoted from Faculty to Staff rank with paycuts and a new reporting structure. I escaped the Marketing Dept two years ago and now have to work for that department again. Morale is low at best, and now I feel thrust in some forced decision making. I miss Mike the most during this time. He would always help me sort through things. He would make me feel better, calm the waters, and give me time and space to decide what to do. At this point I am just going to see what happens...maybe it won't be too bad. I know I will also need to start considering other options.

On a lighter note, I went to Blossoms of Light on Wednesday night with some friends and had a blast. I highly recommend it and getting the 3-D glasses! Get the snowflake or the snowman.

Off to enjoy a weekend where relaxation is my #1 priority!

The end of the year

I taught my final class tonight and am glad it is over. I loved the students and I think the course went well-I am just tired of lugging numerous bags to work on Thursdays full of papers, books, reference materials, assignments, folders...you name it and I am carrying it. I get too scattered when I have to lug so much around. Last night I thought I left my purse at Whole Foods. I called, no one had seen it. I looked in my car, on the floor, in nooks and crannies. Finally, I found it buried under one of the many bags I lug to work (it is a small purse). I know when I can't find my purse things are getting out of control.

I am focusing on getting through Christmas and New Year's. Honestly, I would give anything to sit on the beach until January 2nd (probably also to escape our freezing weather). No, really-I am looking forward to spending time with family and friends these next two weeks. It will be good. I am even cooking Christmas dinner, which makes me happy. But come January, I must warn you all-I will be in Find Myself mode. Truly. I will be taking classes, meditating, running, and maybe going on that beach vacation!

Dinner and a movie

On the menu: Homemade cream of tomato soup, caesar salad, potato stacks, and mulled wine.
The guests: Mom and dad.
After: The Motorcycle Diaries.
A good evening indeed!

Triumph

This picture is dedicated to anyone who needs to triumph...if you can end up looking this silly then you definitely have triumphed!

So I took the plunge and joined Facebook. I resisted for so long...I didn't think I would have time to keep up with it. I also didn't like having to ask my bestest of best to be my friends. After giving it a shot, I actually find it to be kinda fun. I am reconnecting with people I lost touch with and I also am connected with those I love the most. I think me and Facebook will be friends.

I am relishing in the smell of garlic on my stove...I am making a cabbage soup and caesar salad for dinner. Cabbage soup you say? What are you living in...Russia in the 1930's? Let me tell you...this recipe includes toasted bread, parmesean cheese, and the recipe states: "Bake at 350 until cheese is bubbly." Delightful. I have been giving a lot of thought to the whole weight issue of late. Lucky for me, the past 4 weeks of training did lead to a loss of 6 pounds. But here's the catch: I love to eat. I love to cook. So, while I want to get back to the size I was maybe 2 or 3 years ago, a part of me loathes the thought of starving myself, eating tuna from a can or a sensible breakfast of wheat toast with black coffee. I have decided to make this pact with myself-keep running and exercising and don't diet. Why deprive myself of one of my life's joys? A friend reminded me that our bodies are just the shell...as they change it is God's reminder that the inside is what counts. And I like my insides, no matter how imperfect I am. So, you may find I run 3 miles a day and still have birthing hips...but at least I can make my way around a kitchen!

Off to watch cheese bubble and brown.

A Successful Day

Thanksgiving turned out to be a pretty good day. I successfully completed the Turkey Trot with my brother and friend Eva by my side the whole way! When we hit mile 3 I knew I had to push on, but Mike gave me that extra push I needed by giving me a burst of energy. I think he was with us the whole day...the weather was beautiful and a bunch of friends/family spent Thanksgiving morning doing the race and coming over after for a few snacks. Dinner at Mom and Dad's was delicious as usual, and I came home to cozy up on the couch and watch a movie: "He's Just NOT That Into You." I missed Mike but truly believe he was there in all the friendship and love that was felt yesterday.

The rest of the weekend will be pretty relaxing...today I don't quite know what I will do. Tomorrow I will spend the morning with Susan and her little boy doing something, and then dinner with my parents and Mike's parents. Sunday I get to spend the afternoon with my Max which will be very fun, and then dinner with him, Jay and Jess later (baby news alert: They are expecting a boy!). I do miss Mike on a long weekend such as this, and wish he were here to go to a movie with, or to the mall, or on a hike or something. He is never far from my heart and mind.

Happy Thanksgiving to All

I want to just send Thanksgiving wishes to everyone. I hope you enjoy the day and maybe even a long weekend! Even though it has been a tough few months, gratitude has been on my mind. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life (like all of you!), a roof over my head, a good job, good health, Chester and Stanley (yes, while they drive me nuts they are my family)...the gratitude list can go on and on. I think it is important to remember being thankful even when we face adversity...it is a positive and uplifting way to face life even in the tough times.

4 miles and good skin

Robert and I just got back from running 4 miles! I hadn't run that length yet and this was the first time. I ran the whole way and didn't need to stop for air once! We ran about a 12 minute mile which isn't too bad, and I think we will be ready for the race. Race day will be fun-a few people will come over after for a bit and have snacks and such. I think it will be a nice way to face this holiday.

Mom and I went to a craft fair yesterday and I bought these facial products that are au natural. One is a face wash, one a spritzer/toner and the other is a light oil for moisturizer. I was using lotion but my face would get hot and red so I tried the light oil and it works like magic! All products are made from natural ingredients...aloe, almond oil, witch hazel, etc...and it is made by two local women. Here is their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Reduce-Relax-Rejuvenate/189895079313
I am definitely going to keep buying these products!

Blog Vacation

I guess I have taken a week's vacation from the blog! I can't believe a whole week has gone by. This time last week I was coming in the door from my weekend getaway! It has been a busy week for sure...I think I had something to do every night of the week. I realized this week that I think I need to take it down a notch...be home more...clean more often (I had this realization after emptying the vacuum filter 3 times today!)...and not pack so much in. Everything I did was interesting-I went to a fashion show, saw the actor Ed Harris at the Denver Film Fest's kick off event, taught my class-but I am in need of a balance re-calibration.

I did lay on the couch and watch two movies, both of which I loved. The first was Away We Go-a very quirky movie but with a soundtrack I enjoyed (note to self: Download to Itunes). Tonight I watched The Notebook-I never did see that movie. I fell in love with Allie's and Noah's love and of course bawled at the last third of the movie. The first part caught my attention-along the lines of "If I have done one thing right in my life it is that I loved someone fully and deeply." I find so much comfort in that thought. Although Mike's and my time together was short, I truly believe in that statement. I saw him and me in Allie and Noah, sort of...we played, we fought, we loved well. The end reminded me of the commitment a good, strong love has in order to fully be present in the moment.

I had an interesting conversation Friday night with a friend of a friend. Mike became precious to me those last few weeks. Precious and terminal illness usually don't go together, I admit. But to watch the person you love most become vulnerable and frail, relying on others for some of the most simple things, without anger (most days) that person (to me) became so much more precious. I fell in love with Mike all over again as he struggled through everything...I fell in love with again the man I knew who was strong, relentless, but also vulnerable, caring and loving...and just so darn cute. It is hard to explain, and why I get into these types of conversations with people I don't know well is beyond me.

Turkey Trot training is going well. I consistently run about 3 miles every other day. This weekend my goal is to run the entire Turkey Trot route. It is funny, I haven't really lost much weight in the process even though I am eating less, drinking less, and running more-but my clothes fit better, pants feel bigger, and I am starting to lose my little donut around the waist. All of that feels so good, and I am glad I decided to make this a goal. It has been a positive outlet for me and some enjoyable time with myself. Hopefully I will keep it up after Thanksgiving.

Well, off to another week-this one promising to be less hectic.

Back and Rested

I got back last night from Scottsdale and I had a nice time away. Most of the pictures are of the hotel so you can see just a little taste of luxury for the past few nights. The hotel was nice, albeit a hotel for very pretty people. The pool was a hopping place in the afternoons with scantily clad bikini wearing women and oogling men, so I avoided that scene. I opted for an early swim when everyone else were nursing hangovers and eating late breakfasts. I pretty much did a lot of strolling, shopping, and relaxing. Sue took me to two museums yesterday, both very nice museums and it was good to catch up with her. All in all it was a nice weekend and I feel ready to face the week! (If only my backyard looked like the picture with the pool!).

Checking out

Tomorrow I am checking out for a few days and going to Scottsdale. Although I wish it were like 20 degrees here and 80 degrees there, it will be 70 degrees here and 80 there...oh well. I just need to get away. I yelled at the boys last night for being constantly underfoot...I am tired of my job...I don't want to work on the house...I just need some shopping, a pool, sleeping in until whenever...breakfast at my convenience...and no real itinerary. Hmmmm...I may get so spoiled that I will have to do this more often.

Mike will be with me...I have already employed him to hold my hand during the take off and landing. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Turkey Trot updates to come soon when I get back. I am bringing the tennies so I can take a nice long run in AZ. Then the pool! Or massage. Not sure.

Ciao for now.

Turkey Trot Update

I took on the challenge of running with a co-worker yesterday who is a triathelete. I was very nervous and kept telling her before we went, "Feel free to run ahead," and "I run very slow, just an FYI." She was very patient with me and reassured me that she was looking forward to our run. Off we went after work to the park nearby. She kept my pace which allowed us to talk the whole time. We went once around the lake and I asked her, "Are we going around again?" She said, "Well, I thought we would run this lake twice, but if you want to go back..." I decided to push on, and it became easier as I did. I asked her if she knew how many miles our run was because she lives nearby and she said it was 3 miles. Wow!! 3 miles! I didn't know I had it in me.

I realized some secrets to a successful run: It isn't about how fast but how I keep pace. I need to be able to breathe in deep as I am running, not hyperventilating. I need to push through the first 10 minutes because after that it is really truly downhill after that. If I run with someone it is important to be able to talk. I think if I keep these basic ideas in mind I will be pretty successful.

My brother said he will run the Turkey Trot with me. He, too, is a great running partner-he keeps my pace and pushes me a little to keep going. If he runs with me at least I won't be the only one coming in last at the Trot!

Can you feel him?

I watched Oprah's interview with Patrick Swayze's wife Lisa Niemi on Friday. It was her first interview since he died of pancreatic cancer in September. She was stunning, with long blond hair, wearing all black, and had the flushed cheeks of someone who is passionately remembering the love of her life. She smiled as she spoke but I couldn't help notice the times she wiped the corner of her eye as she talked about his cancer, their love, and his final days. Oprah asked Lisa that question all of us get when we lose someone close..."Can you feel him with you?" For Lisa as well she must be always be reminded of the movie Ghost that Patrick starred in with Demi Moore. She said she did feel him, that she never felt his life and soul leave his body and she believes that soul is here with her. It was a moving interview and I am glad I saved it on DVR.

I used to wonder when Mike died if I would feel him but I didn't know what that meant. I tried to guess...I would lay awake at night expecting the bedroom door to shut randomly or to hear, actually hear his voice or maybe wake up to some vision of him sleeping next to me. Over time I have learned what "can you feel him" means. It is the swell in my heart when I think of him. It is waking from a dream, remembering he was the star of that dream. It is a sudden comfort that washes over me after a few fits of tears. It is a new confidence I exude, knowing somehow deep down I am okay. That I haven't fallen apart; rather, that he is with me holding a soft, downy blanket under me so if I do fall it isn't so bad.

Check out Oprah online about the interview...it is so rare to be present in the moment of someone that raw reflecting on the one true love of her life.
http://www.oprah.com/article/seriesandspecials/previuosshows/pkgscreeningroom/20091030-tows-lisa-niemi-patrick-swayze

An October Snow Day

We got a ton of snow and my work is closed today. One wish for the boys is that I could just open the front door, let them run and go wherever they want in the snow, and then have them return when they are done! That way, I don't have to bundle up and take them on a walk in snow this deep. They love the snow. Chester loves snowballs thrown his way so he can catch them. Hopefully this will be some good exercise for them...my Turkey Trot training plans need to be put on hold for now...

Turkey Trot Here I Come!

I had been toying around with the idea of walking in the Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning at Wash Park. It will be the first major holiday without Mike and I didn't want to spend the morning sad. I have also been feeling like I really could stand to lose a pound or...10...but had put my WW endeavor on the side. Finally, I need to do something for me. My saying is "I feel like my feet are stuck in slow drying cement". In order to get out of that I need to challenge myself to get out of the norm and do something different. So, I took the plunge and emailed like 100 of my colleagues, friends, family to hold me accountable that I will not just walk the TT but RUN it! I haven't run in months! I had numerous emails sent to me in support, offering to run with me and help me get ready. So I really have to do it! I am very excited that I have the support to get me going. I will plan to use my blog for training updates and I will send a little email out to those interested about my progress. This should be a fun little "Melanie" project. And then...a huge, delicious turkey meal after!

Another good weekend

I love weekends. This one was spent on Pearl Street. M, E and I had breakfast Saturday at Gaia...to die for. We shopped in 5 Green Boxes and I bought a vast array of Puntamayo CDs. Saturday night Robby, Mandy and I had a simple dinner at Budagest Bistro and talked, caught up...all the things you do with the people you love. Sunday I enjoyed the last day of the Farmer's Market with Meg, Mia and Amy...I bought lettuce, apples, onions and tomatoes. Mia got to trick or treat as a kitty cat and we ladies got to just be ourselves and hang out. It was heavenly.

Massouch! Therapy

Last night I had a massage. I went to a woman who lives in the neighborhood and does a real deep tissue massage. Problem is...it hurts like heck! I mean...there are pains and pinches. I know she is getting in there, really letting those toxins out, and today my back does feel better, as do my trigger points in the shoulder and neck. I got to thinking that there are three types of massage people:

1. No massage. "I just couldn't stand having someone touch me like that!"
2. Spa massage. Use of aromatherapy, no talking, falling asleep on the table.
3. Massouch!...the go on, get naked, get ready to cry; the kind where there are tools involved.

I have decided I am #2. I love the serene rooms that come with a spa. I love aromatherapy. I like that they ask how hard or soft. I like that they don't know me so they don't talk. I love falling asleep only to wake up feeling like I was princess for a day. What kind of massage person are you?

Is it noon on Saturday already?

Fridays I greatly anticipate the weekend. I can sleep in, mill about, see friends and family. I can't believe how fast they go though. Soon Saturday will be over only to begin Sunday and then look ahead to another week.

I am having a pleasant weekend. I went to my neighbor's house for wine, food and friendship. It was a nice time, but remind me never to drink red and white wine in the same night. Today I am cleaning the house and yard, and a few friends are coming over for dinner this evening. Tomorrow is a trip to the Zoo with Susan and Alex and then an early dinner with Jen. In between I plan to walk the dogs, read, and possibly nap.

I start teaching this next 8 week term and my first night is Thursday. My class is bigger than the first one I taught, but hopefully with more students things will move along faster. I need to finalize my syllabus and email it to the students ahead of time. I am just going to take it one Thursday at a time, and really focus on the outcomes for the class and each week's topic. It should be good and I am hoping I a bit more organized this time around.

I have been feeling pretty good all in all. I am experimenting with the wedding ring on the right hand instead of left. So far it doesn't feel too weird. I am slowly cleaning things out. I bought a few new items for the house-a rug, a bedspread and a picture for the office. Slowly I am coming home to "my" home instead of "our" home. I do miss him a lot. A co-worker who I haven't seen in a while and who just found out about Mike ran into me in the hall yesterday. She expressed her condolences and I did at that time want to cry. She said, "I only met Mike once but you two really seemed to fit." I nodded. We did fit. Like glove and hand.

Quote for the day

My colleague sent some of us this quote. I like it! It is from author Kent Nerburn: "Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the harvest sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."

I will get by

I had one of those breakthroughs that really make an impact on how I am feeling. All week I was a bit down with the realization that never again will I see Mike. He isn't in Antarctica or out of town...he is gone. Period. I know, it sounds silly since I was standing by his side, holding his hand and he took his last breaths. Somehow my brain has been protecting me from the harsh reality I am facing. This week my brain opened the floodgates and I found myself crying at early hours in the morning, sobbing really. Well, this morning I had that happen. It was 5am and I lay crying in my bed. Just sobbing, knowing Mike would never return to me. Somehow, though, I started to have memories of how sick he really was. I remembered all the nights I would wake up every two hours to make sure he was still breathing. The time he fell when he was trying to get out of bed. How thin he became. My crying subsided slowly, as I really thought about how he had a terminal illness and what that meant for us. I fell back asleep and had this dream. The dream was that Mike was in the hospital and doctors kept moving him from room to room to try to make him all better. When they moved him though he was like a rag doll. He was alive but just not there. I woke up feeling utterly and completely at peace. I truly believe Mike came to me in my thoughts and heart. He indicated that he has accepted his new path and that he is relieved to not be in pain and suffering. In my heart I felt him say..."I am okay. I don't have to struggle anymore. Now, you need to be okay. I will help you." I hopped out of bed and just felt so good. I felt refreshed. I felt peace in my heart. To top it off, on the way home from work today KBCO played "Touch of Gray" from the Grateful Dead. "I will get by...I will survive." I sang it at the top of my lungs.

Weekend

I had a very enjoyable weekend. I had two dates I was greatly anticipating. The first was with Meg. We went to the Art Museum-there were no special exhibits and it was a free day, so that added to the freedom of just wandering around the museum. We talked, had a coffee, and just enjoyed the day. We ate a delightful lunch at Whole Foods in the sun. It was perfect. Meg is perfect. I can't explain my friendship with her...she lifts my spirit and soul. Later I met my family for dinner-pizza.

The second date was today with Max and his parents. We went to the Toy Story 1 and 2 double feature in 3D. It was fabulous! The movies in 3D were even better than without 3D. When we were leaving, Max asked me when the next time he and I can do something together. He is such a sweet kid. I ended the weekend with another dinner with my folks.

Sunday nights are hard. I drove my brother home tonight and on the way home the melancholy set in. It is dark. The house will be quiet. No one to watch an episode of The Entourage with before the week begins. No one to come home to and debrief about the weekend (Sunday nights Mike and I would list all the fun things we did that weekend so we wouldn't forget). So, I made myself busy. I took the dogs for a walk. I went through any bills that came this week. I emailed a few students to get a head start on the week. I had the TV going, the lights on in the house. 9 news can be very comforting I am finding out.

I know that I am heading into week 6 since Mike passed. And you know what? No matter how people want me to be all better I won't be for a long time. The life I knew is different now. I don't have a husband anymore. I don't have the life I had (consider the life I had before Mike's sickness). I have to face a number of upcoming events...Thanksgiving (we hosted our first last year), Christmas (opening presents in our PJ's drinking Kahlua and Coffee), Mike's birthday (a subtle card and a special dinner) and our anniversary (dinner or a play). Let me get through these things first without him and then see where I am at. In the meantime, just love me. Know that I am hurting and maybe you don't know what to say or do...just know grief is a long process. Maybe even a lifetime. As my beautiful Meg put it...the dark spot in my heart will always be there, no matter where I am in my life.

Living in Love and Not in Fear

The Jesuits are the society of Catholics whom I just adore. Jesuits are so involved in social justice for the poor, and they really show love toward others regardless of whether the others agree with the Jesuit way of thinking. My colleague has a quote on her desk...I don't know the quote verbatim but the jist of it is to live in love and not in fear. I read this quote when Mike was sick and it clicked. I had been living in fear which was why I was so stressed taking care of him...when I started living in love I began to really see life through his eyes...isn't that called empathy?

When we are pulled to judgement, let's take a step back and live in love for a second. Judgement is fear. Let's live in love...how do we address issues in a non-judging way, living in love and not in fear? Fear is assigning some sort of right/wrong, some sort of "well, but such and such shouldn't have occurred..." Well...it did occur and how do we address it?

Living in love feels a lot different than living in fear. It is less angry. It blames less. The toxic emotions of judgement are just not present when one chooses to live in love. Instead, the heart feels fuller, accepting, happy...when we just open our heart a whole new way of seeing the world appears.

I speak from experience. Losing Mike, I could live in fear all I want. I could walk away from the love that has been bestowed upon me and sleep all day long for many days. I could become cold and bitter. Instead, I recognize the love that is being given to me and I hope to embrace this love, for it is the fear that could be the detriment to me.

Live in love...not fear.

Mary and Hawks

Somehow I ended up with an amazing and beautiful friend Mary. Not sure how or when she came into my life with the full force friendship there is now...We are in the Ignatian Scholars program together but somehow she thinks I am special. The special one though is Mary.

Mary lives in Conifer. I told her that this week I was choosing Mike's headstone. She offered to come along. The only time that worked for me was 9am on a Friday. Mary faced Conifer and 285 traffic to meet me at 9am...even earlier with coffees from Starbucks. Mary sat with me for the hour it took to figure out his headstone. Then she agreed to go with me to his spot. She told me a story that when she would visit her mom in the graveyard who died at a young age she would be visited by hawks...her mom's very favorite animal. When Mary and I got to Mike's spot and were standing there, lo and behold two distinguished hawks circled above us. Mike, her mom and God were with us.

How did I get so lucky to get Mary? Meg? Susan? Liz? I am not sure what made me so worthy of this love. I hope someday I can reciprocate.

Retreat

Yesterday I used a mission leave day to have a retreat. Regis is associated with a Jesuit retreat house in Sedalia. I just went for the day and I was on my own, except I had lunch which was served at noon. I got up there in the morning and shopped their wonderful bookstore and bought a couple of books. I sat in chairs that are all around the property, read, thought, and wrote in my journal. I took a little hike and sat in a gazebo. Lunch was BLT sandwiches, a salad and chips. I left early afternoon and made a quick visit to Mike's spot in Fairmount. I came home and relaxed a bit; I then went to the last Guys Night Out baseball game of the season.

One of the books I bought at the retreat center is about grief. It is written by a woman who in the 1970's lost her husband and young daughter in a drunk driving car accident as she survived and was 3 months pregnant (the baby survived, too). I mean...talk about grief. It has been a wonderful book thus far. One thing she talks about is the willingness to love people after a death. When someone dies, we tend to hang on to that person and give all our love to that person's memories, all the while shutting others out. I thought that was a very interesting point...of course, as she recognizes everyone has their own grief cycle so this type of realization may not come for a long time. She also talks about preparatory grief, the kind that one might experience while caring for a sick loved one. I think I went through some of that with Mike, which is why I haven't fallen into a huge pit of depression and feel pretty good most days. She recognizes that often when caring for the terminally ill that the caregiver may hope that person gets taken from the pain and suffering into peace. I know toward the end I did have those feelings, and the last days wanted nothing more then to have Mike at peace. All in all, the day yesterday was one of reflection and relaxation, which I have been anticipating.

One month

It has been one month since Mike transitioned from this world to the next. Every Friday I reflect on the events of that day, especially between 3 and 4pm. As time passes I just miss him more and more. It seems every little thing makes me think of him. I was driving to the mall yesterday recalling all the times he and I would spend a Saturday milling about the mall. Things like that I think about.

I did take a huge step yesterday. For the past month, the bedroom has stayed in the same condition as when Mike was alive, at home. His jammies and jeans hung on the door; his shoes under the dresser; the dresser drawers full of his socks, undies, and other clothes. I spent the evening cleaning out my closet, putting the fall and winter clothes in the closet and the summer clothes away. I decided it was time to at least move his clothes to the back closet. I took the clothes off the back of the door and hung them in the back closet. The socks I put in a give away pile; the shoes as well I put in the closet. I am not ready to box them up and donate them yet, but I did need to make room in the bedroom for some of my things.

I am also going to start cleaning out the shed. I think that is a good place to really start. Many of his tools and such don't bring back as many memories, and so I think it is a safe place to start. I am going to make it my gardening shed. Jason is getting Mike's Snap On tool set and will pick that up today. Then I can slowly start to make that my area.

It is so strange to move forward (I refuse to say "move on") without Mike but I know he would want me to not just sit dwelling in sadness. I think one of the reasons he could let go that day was because I promised I would be okay. I need to make sure I keep that promise.

CRASH!

I haven't written in a few days. So here is my saga...Sunday night I was coming home from dinner at my folks'house and a quick truck wash, driving north on Emerson which is a one-way. At Arizona, a car ran the stop sign and hit the back of the truck in the rear tire well area. I careened into a parked car, hitting it head on the side and pushing it up on the curb. My car ended up southbound and I was fuming as I saw the car drive away!! I started to follow him but the truck wouldn't drive well so I had to pull over. The woman whose car I hit came running out of the house...she didn't see what happened and she started yelling at me. Other neighbors came out who witnessed the accident told her it wasn't my fault and all hugged me as I cried and told them my hubby had died almost a month ago and now this. The lady apologized and called the police so we could report the hit and run. All the neighbors took great care of me...the police came and we filed a report...and found the license plate of the car that hit me. What luck! I had the truck towed to be repaired today. I was so sad because it is Mike's truck...he would be devasted to know that this happened to me and the truck. Luckily I am not hurt. I spoke to the detective today and he asked ultimately what I want done if they find the guy. I don't want to prosecute...I just want him to pay my deductible and the repairs and pay for whatever the other woman needs done. I had a talk with a colleague who thinks I should press charges...in case this person ever does this type of thing again at least I acted. But you know what? I have no desire to add that drama in my life. Also, I have no desire to put all my info out there for some lunatic who cares very little for human life obviously to find out where I live or something. Am I crazy not to press charges?

This is where I miss Mike. We would have deliberated together about what to do. But in the end I think it is a sign to show that I have to take care of things myself now. And I did...I called insurance, I had the truck towed, and I followed up with the detective. I am taking care of business myself and it is empowering to do so.

Eating through grief

Well...I am approaching week #3 of losing my Mike. It is getting harder...maybe the last two weeks I have been a bit numb or something and now the numbness is wearing off. I just miss him-no more, no less. I miss his presence at home, watching TV, eating meals together, sleeping together, and just talking. All the small things we did day to day...I don't feel like I took any of it for granted though. There was one day in December where I was driving to the hospital to see him and I truly felt that every day that I did see him was a blessing. That feeling stayed with me all these months, even through the stress and frustration I would feel from time to time.

I have decided to eat well now that I am alone. I don't want my dinners to be frozen meals or my snacks to be chips. I want to nourish myself during my grief. So, I gave some thought to being purposeful in cooking. I made a homemade soup and grilled cheese/tomato panini's over the weekend. I had the family over and made Pasta Puttanesca. I am going to dust off my Gourmet magazines, remember my log in to The Food Network online, and cook. And eat. I am not going to worry about losing weight, I am going to worry about nourishing myself and others who may join me. So, from time to time I may share a recipe that I made for myself or friends because I truly believe cooking is therapeutic.

Chester and Stanley are unlearning all the training we had done. Not that they were ever "A" students but they have both gotten pretty unruly. Chester licked my breakfast plate this morning! And Stanley helped himself right up on the bed without an invitation! Walks are painful at the very least because I often have to drag Stan away from sniffing and get pulled by Chester toward something he can eat. Oh well. Now is not the time to crack down. They are sad just like me. I think we all have our own amount of time to be "a mess".

Back to Reality

I went back to work this week. Ugghhh. I guess it has been a blessing disguised by not totally caring about the day to day mundane work activities. It has given me a little bit of direction and focus, which gets lost the minute I get into the car. People at work have been very supportive. Where some work places may have a culture of not discussing these things, my co-workers hunt me down in my office to give me a big hug. It has been nice, except those times I start crying in front of a co-worker I don't know well. That gets awkward.

I have kept myself very busy this week. Tuesday night I went to the baseball game with my brother. Last night I saw the Schultz family; tonight is dinner with my family. It has been good, but my house is getting messy and the dogs are neglected. So, I am still in search of that thing called "balance" which I am sure I will be able to find someday.

I saw Jason, Jess and Max last night. Max and I watched an episode of Lil Bill and ate chicken tenders and mashed potatoes. I sat around with Jay and Jess and had an awesome time. I thought going over I would be weepy but instead we laughed and told Mikey stories. I told them the details of his last weeks without sobbing which is a feat for me. I honestly felt so at peace when I left there. I needed to spend some good time with people that knew and loved Mike as much as I did. It felt soooo good.

Well, off to another day. The weekend is around the corner, and while I plan to keep busy I am looking forward to some thoughful times with my love.

The Blog is Back

It has been one heck of a 9 month stretch. My beloved passed away on August 28th, 2009 after a long, long struggle with cancer and many cases of pneumonia. This is the link to his obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary.aspx?n=michael-d-mcclanahan&pid=132125557
His viewing and celebration of life service brought out many people both a part of his life, my life, and our lives together. I have heard numerous stories of how much people loved and admired Mike. One thing that stood out...Mike always was self conscious of his teeth. So many people, though, have told me how much they loved his smile.

I am resurrecting this blog because I am beginning my own journey. I want to keep it tied to my previous blog because that life will always be a part of who I am. As I embark upon this new journey I want to write about how I am feeling, what I am thinking and how I reconstruct a life out of one that I had with Mike for 10 years. How do I bring parts of him into my own life? His courage, humor, organizational skills, and the kind of love and friendship that sustained us for a decade?

I miss him more than words can express. I often think that he isn't home because he is in the hospital, where he spent a lot of time away from home. I keep feeling like the phone will ring and the caller ID will be the hospital and he will ask where I have been all week. Of course this is ridiculous...as I was there for his final breaths. But I can't help hold out a little bit of hope that someday I will feel his touch or hear his voice again. Even if that someday is when I leave this earth myself.

Goodnight, my sweet.

The braver and more prolific writer...

...May continue with a blog that bares the soul, discusses life circumstances, the spiritual realm and being mortal. I did not do that well in philosophy!

Our journey as we experience it is best left up to our own experiences and not spending time documenting. Perhaps, when I am really ambitious I will write a book about care giving for the cancer patient. Until then, "au revoire" and I will miss updating you an a semi-mass scale.

Melanie

Sophie and stuff

A hearty welcome to the newest member of the Nelson family...Sophie is an 8 week old yellow lab. She will be the perfect friend to Izzie, her sister lab. There is nothing cuter than a labrador puppy!

I had a wonderful night last night. Three neighbor houses hosted with food and drinks and we toured everyone's gardens. Mike didn't join us and everyone missed him. Our neighbors Karen and TJ bought Mike a card and everyone signed it, letting him know how much he was missed. They are truly one of a kind people! This yard tour is becoming an annual night out. Last year we had a few more neighbors involved, this year I wanted it a little more intimate. It was nice to get out and socialize, and also being so close to home was nice too.

Not much new...

I am hoping summer will kick in soon! These days of crazy weather and cool temperatures have kept the sun away. I have a feeling that once summer hits, it will come with a vengeance!

My ED 205 class is just about wrapping up. This has been such a great experience. The students are all very engaged in the class and motivated to do well. The class goes for 4 hours and the time just flies by. I hope I will get good enough evaluations to be asked to teach the class again. It has been a true highlight.

Mike is going to try another chemo treatment starting next week. It is supposed to be a kinder, gentler chemo (is there such a thing?) and not so hard on his immune system. He will also get treatment with an anti-angelesiac that helps keep tumors from creating new blood vessels. So, hopefully these two things will bring some symptom relief with regards to his pain.

I am looking forward to the weekend-I just need a few hours of some good napping. I am going to view my neighbors' gardens Saturday night, which is an annual treat I always look forward to. Hopefully the rain will stay away tomorrow night!

Happy Birthday to Liz

I am a day late and a dollar short in wishing my very good friend Liz a happy birthday! Time gets away from me and when I realize an event happens it is always one or two days late. So, happy birthday to one of the most compassionate and lovely women I know.

I wish I could work 3 or 4 days a week. The weekends come and 2 days just doesn't cut it. Not only do I want to spend time with my beloved, but I must do the household chores and all the other things that don't get done during the week. I think I need to re-strategize my work and play time. Once I finish teaching my class that will give me one more night to get some stuff done. I want to maximize my summer fun if I can.

Chester and Stan finally got to the dog park this morning. They so desperately needed to run with no leash and to just play. They are still exhausted tonight, and the brown one is not even begging me for his night walk. Good, because it is getting late!

A much needed long weekend

I love Memorial weekend. It is the epitome of summer-festivals kick off the casual nature of summer, people barbeque, and it is time to do some things around the house. Although it was a rainy weekend the rain couldn't ruin what Memorial weekend means...3 months of blissful summertime.

I am happy to report that our Memorial weekend was eventful! Mike has been so sick these past months that we really haven't done much stuff that is fun. So this weekend we ventured out on a few small activities. We walked along the Gaylord St Festival; We had the Schultz's over for dinner; we ate lunch at Wazee Supper Club; we went to the mall; and we had dinner with my parents. In between we managed to watch Slumdog Millionaire but it took us two days to finish. All in all, because we were able to get out and about and spend time together, this weekend was wonderful for various reasons for both Mike and I.

9.8 and counting

So through Weight Watchers over the past few weeks I have managed to lose almost 10 lbs!! Can you believe it? I feel so much better and more in control. I hope to go for another 10!

Mike is home. We are settling in to our new lifestyle. Who knew our day to day tasks could end up fun? At least we get to do them...and to do them together as as team. The little things are becoming so important.. A walk around 4 blocks makes my day.

I gardened a bit yesterday and put some containers together. I kept it all pretty simple and only planted a few. It felt good to get in and dig in the dirt a bit. I also love going to Paulino's to salivate over all the lovely flowers, shrubs and trees.

I dedicate this blog to friends and family

A friend who just had a baby checking in to see what meal she can make when Mike comes home. A friend off on a vacation just checking in to see how we are doing. A friend, in her work clothes, who comes over to vacuum the house before Mike's homecoming. A friend who walks Chester and Stanley, no easy feat. A dad who mows the lawn while I am at work. A mom who tirelessly makes a batch of requested lasagna. A brother who warns of a cold as to not infect Mike.

This blog is dedicated to our friends and family who have provided some of the most amazing support during our toughest times. We have both been through so much with cancer and other illness issues and your support eases the stress of immediate tasks and needs. We both love you all very much!

Love, Mel and Mike

Cheers to oncology nurses!

Mike is still in the hospital. I am not sure what we are waiting for as far as him coming home; I know pain management is a big thing but what are the other benchmarks? Everyday we face something new...a procedure for this...a fever...low sodium...One doctor tells us "You can go home this day" and then almost a week from that day passes and he is still there. Well...the good news is that the oncology floor is moving to a renovated part of the building. The rooms are big, the family room has games, DVD players and such, there are new TVs in the rooms. So, if he is going to stay a while then it sounds like this is the right time to be there.

I love oncology nurses. They are so kind, compassionate, and are very in-tune with pain and managing the pain. I was talking to his night nurse about why she chose oncology. She said she gets to know the patients personally because often they are long term in the hospital. Now that is what healthcare should be all about! Almost all oncology nurses we have had have been wonderful, except of course with the exception of two or three...the "lecture" nurse and the "deaf" nurse we could do without.

My husband is so brave. He tries any procedure they throw at him without batting an eye-if it might work or help then why not? He lives through NPO status (while I would die of starvation!) and people pricking and prodding and poking. Honestly, if I were in his shoes I would need an adequate dose of Xanax to get through the day. Not Mike...he has always been the braver and stronger of the two of us. I am not down on myself...just acknowledging that while my husband can spend a year in Antarctica I can't even sit through traffic on I-25 without having a nervous breakdown.

My First Class

The night I have been preparing for came last night. I taught my first Regis class! It is ED 205 Intro to Adult Learning and it is one of the first classes adult students take when they come back to school after some time. I love the mix of students. There are 5 students in the class and they really just took to each other right away. They were all so chatty, funny, and engaged. I thought we would be done by 9 but we went all the way until 10pm! I am just so motivated and excited about this class. I hope they end up liking the class and liking me!

Mike is still in the hospital. I get to see him every day which is such a blessing and a treat. Hopefully he is able to come home for the weekend.

I got to visit Baby Luca the other day while Meg was still in the hospital. He is seriously one of the most perfect babies I have ever seen. He was moving around quite a bit, looking around, and was just so active already. I got to hold him for a minute and it was so nice to have something like this to be a part of.

What a birthday present!

Happy Birthday to Meg! I believe the best birthday present ever is the arrival of baby Luca. Congrats to Meg, V, Mia that baby Luca has finally joined your beautiful crew!

7 pounds and counting

I skipped my Weight Watchers on Friday due to the fact that Mike had to go to the hospital (another time, another blog). But, i weighed in on my own at home and I believe I lost 7 pounds!! I have really been trying to stick to the Weight Watchers plan and it has been working well. I think I must have been eating 3 times what I should be. Now, I am so much more conscietious. I am not letting stress get to me this time...this time I am trying to take better care of myself.

Mike is in the hospital again. I think it is better he is there than at home...I can't do some of the things they can do in the hospital. I am trying to have a better balance. I am thinking ahead, too. When MIke is home and when Meg has Baby P and can be away for a bit we are both due for a spa day. It will happen for sure...it is much needed for both of us!!

Conquer the weight loss monster...again

Okay, so I am putting this out there on my blog so I actually do it. Tomorrow I am going to go to my first Weight Watchers meeting in quite a few years. There. I said it. I had done it so many years ago with great success, so I am hoping the magic is there again this time around.

The past 6 months have been stressful with Mike being in and out of the hospital. I have never been one of those "I am so stressed I just can't eat" kind of people. I am the opposite...Eating is a way for me to release my stress and continue an imaginary love affair with food. And, not just food that is good for you. Nope. My love affair is anything salty, crunchy, and loaded with all sorts of goodness. This distraction during the stressful times has led me to (I believe) put on anywhere from 15-20 pounds. My pants don't fit well. There are fat creases that were never there before. You ask...why don't you just weigh yourself? I am saving that graceful, wonderful moment for tomorrow morning, my official first weigh in.

I just need to be reminded that hunger is okay every once in a while. That I don't need to eat the whole bag of chips, and actually I could substitute a rice cake for that bag of chips. I want to remember how to eat fresh, yummy foods at a normal serving size instead of the large portions I dish out. Oh, and I want my pants to fit again!

So...wish me luck. I will not pull an Oprah and advertise for all to see my current weight. I will however keep you posted on my journey and hopefully count my successes!

Quote

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."-Joseph Campbell

I saw this quote on an email signature from someone at work. Something about it strikes home to me!

He's Home and Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Mike is home! He came home on Wednesday. He is spending a lot of time resting...he has been through so much that he needs to recuperate from recuperating.

Liz and I had a very well deserved day out yesterday-we went to the Rockies home opener. We had so much fun-both of us have been through a lot over the past few weeks that we needed this time to just play. Mike's dad came over to watch the game with him and brought hot dogs and all foods baseball so it could be like they were there.

What's been going on?

I am finding our new Macbook to be an asset while Mike is in the hospital. While he sleeps I can look stuff up on the internet or check my work email to keep up. This was a darn good purchase.

Mike was moved from the cardiology floor to the oncology floor today which was a welcomed move. The nurses here are awesome...so compassionate and in tune with pain management. He is supposed to start his chemotherapy today and it will be a 3 day infusion. The hope is that he will feel better with less pain, and that he will be able to come home and do the rest of the chemo treatments as an outpatient. But let's just take it one step at a time, shall we? That is what I find...every minute needs to be purposeful.

Our friends and family have been amazing. Mike's dad drives an hour and a half total to come and sit with Mike daily for hours on end...I don't know what I would do without him relieving me for a while. My parents care for the dogs and go grocery shopping for me, my brother cares for the dogs as well. My friend Susan took me out to dinner last night and listened to me, gave me comfort and friendship. Meg, Emily and Ellen gave us gift cards to Whole Foods, and another group of friends sent the most lovely bouquet of flowers. Other friends have sent cards, emails and well wishes, and we know we are always in their thoughts. My work has been great, as has Mike's, in being supportive of us during this time.

I have realized that every day is a gift; every day I get to see Mike is an even greater gift. I take my health for granted and I am learning to just enjoy the moment because tomorrow it may be a whole other story. My husband is amazing and brave, so much more than I would be. The docs would have to give me ample amounts of valium in order to deal with all this...but not Mike. He is brave, he never complains or yells out, he doesn't lose his patience. I admire him more than I ever have from all this. I feel so lucky that we chose each other and that he is in my life.

Life lately

I finally have a minute to write. It has been a stressful week-Mike was feeling sick Saturday, he looked awful and had a rapid heart rate. We decided another trip to the hospital was needed and he landed in ICU for a few days. He has severe pneumonia and a list of other issues to long and cumbersome to list here. He was recently moved to a regular room; however, the doctor said he probably won't be out for a while.

His family and I have been taking turns being with him. It is hard to leave at night knowing he is alone all night long, but I have to get my rest in order to be fully present the next day. He looks better than he did early in the week, but still will be on the mend for a while. There are mystery issues still needing to be figured out as well.

I want to tell my hubby that I love him so much and we will get through this together. I have never felt so fiercely protective of him as I do now-he is in his most vulnerable state and needs an advocate who knows him well. He is my best friend and even though the road to recovery may be long we can walk it one step at a time, hand in hand.

Hold him in your thoughts and prayers, send us good energy and good vibes so he can remain positive during all this. This, too, shall pass.

Happy Spring!

We are coming out of the winter doldrums into my most favorite time of the year! My daily walks are full of new discoveries...forsynthia branches are blooming, crocus is popping up everywhere, trees have buds, and even my little phlox has a few pink blossoms. I love the idea of coming home after work and spending a few hours outside, watering the grass, weeding and just taking care of things. Or taking a walk at lunch, when it isn't too hot or too cold. Or grilling meats once again. Yes, this time of year makes me feel like I am waking up to all things good.

The wardrobe is always a bit problematic this time of year...do I bust out my short sleeves? Do I wait? when can I go buy a new pair of shorts? Sandals? Can I still wear my favorite brown boots or do I have to retire them for the time being? These dilemnas though are small in comparison to the joy of eating lunch outside, drinking crisp white wine on the patio, and soaking in some sun.

Is there such thing as too much hope?

Before I begin the real reason for my blog, I have to first say how much blogging on our new Macbook is so much more enjoyable than on our old PC! I love this thing...it is fast, user friendly and compact. I am glad we made this purchase.

Okay, onto my real topic. I admit it...I voted for Obama. The hope and inspiration he gave during the campaign was unprecendented. I wanted something new...something fresh...a perspective I feel comfortable with. On balance, I still feel like I made the right decision. But I have to say...I am getting tired of political decision making. People are out there suffering, losing jobs, homes, everything and our decision makers worry about whether their decisions are Republican or Democratic enough. Who cares? Has anyone in politics done an objective analysis when making a decision...like a decision tree, or some sort of cost benefit analysis? No. Votes in the house and senate are cast based on re-election hopes and constiuency desires. If you watch a state of the union or some other such speech you see who stands and claps for what issue. Puhleeze. Stand and clap for the issue you have truly made an informed decision on...those seats are pretty warm, aren't they?

I am not blaming partisan politics on Obama, but he did kind of set himself up. "Reach across the aisle" sounds good in a campaign speech, but not so good when you are trying to save the economy with "the others" thinking tax cuts will actually do that. No...I think it is the overall approach. Why is Congress making decisions about our economy? Why can't economists, college professors, journalists, teachers, etc make recommendations? Why do we leave such important decision making in the hands of people who have personal and political agendas?

I do fear we are not going in the direction we we hoped to go back in November. Look, I am as outraged as the next person about the AIG bonuses...but we are a capitalist society, and all of a sudden we want to wage war against the people who sit on the boards of trustees of our kids' schools. I just recently saw the John Adams miniseries and a scene comes back to me...early in the days of the revolution, a mob tars and feathers a poor British guy who was on the boat of the Boston Tea Party. I really do hope as a nation we have come further than symbolically tarring and feathering the bloke who worked for AIG with the promise of making a $100,000 bonus. Doesn't that resound for those of us who are promised healthcare or 401K matching plans?

NPR the other day was reading letters from listeners and one person wrote in..."Stop with the negativity! All we hear about is how bad things are...what about the good?" What about the good? Those people who did get laid off and perhaps are volunteering more...how lay offs may mean that people may actually spend quality time with their families...that the stimulus money may actually do some good...let's put the GOOD energy out there, instead of this constant negative energy. That will get us no where except back to partisan politics.

Let me count the ways...

Mike turns 36 tomorrow. Happy Birthday, my sweet! I know this past year has had its ups and downs. The ups...we had some great trips! We went to San Diego, San Francisco and Paris. We finished a huge house project (without a divorce!) and are proud of the end result. The downs...well, most certainly your health has been a downer. We have had our struggles since December in that category. I want you to know I wouldn't trade the ups and downs we have together for ups and downs with someone else. We are the perfect match...like how the puzzle pieces of that Times Square puzzle we did all seemed to match. I love you and wish you the very best birthday ever. Hopefully we will be celebrating by playing with our new Macbook!

I have been 33 for almost a month!

Here are some birthday pictures I got from Mom today...I can't believe I have been 33for almost a month!

Celebrating Meg and Baby P

Meg's friend Erin threw a lunch get together in honor of the next member of the Pellegrino family. I guess a second baby shower isn't a social norm, but I thought Erin's idea was great. Meg had a small gathering in her honor, close friends and female family. It was an intimate gathering and I enjoyed being around all the tremendous women Meg holds near and dear to her heart!

Saying goodbye to book characters

I just wrapped up probably the best book I have ever read. It is The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. This book was one of those stories where when the story is over I actually miss the characters. That is I think the key to good character development...when a writer creates characters who become good friends to the reader. I wish I didn't have to say farewell to Paloma, Renee and Kakuro; rather, I would love to join them for tea!

How apropos that book club met last night at a coffee shop...in the book, the main character has tea with a good friend daily. It was so good to see the book club gang. I haven't been able to go for the past two months because of my teaching internship. We got to meet the newest baby to the group, and see two expecting mothers. I think most people read the book or at least started it and I hope they finish it. Meg treated us to a delectable cheesecake and I am proud to say I ate almost of all my gargantuan slice.

I had a splendid day yesterday off from work. The perfect schedule to me is 4 days working, with a day off in the middle of the week. The weather has me itching for spring (literally...my allergies are now starting). I had a great long walk with Aimee, Monty and Chester at the park. Monty and Chester aren't the best of friends...Monty is a bit protective of Aimee and you can imagine how he feels when he sees Chester get all excited and jump up on Aimee. So, those of us that are two legged walk and talk, and our four legged friends walk on way opposite sides of each other. They tolerate each other, I guess. After my walk, I spent about 3 hours in the yard. I raked, watered, cleaned up the garden beds and just enjoyed being outside. I went to the mall and bought my mom some aqua goblets at Anthropologie that she had noticed the last time we were there. She and I met for a walk in the afternoon and I got to surprise her with them. I ran to the store, took a shower, ate dinner with Mike and then joined the ladies for book club.

Now I just have today and tomorrow to get through and it is the weekend! On the agenda...spend some time with my beloved husband with whom I have so much fun, and celebrate one of my most special friends with a brunch and people who love her as much as I do!

The Art of Appreciation

We had a good weekend. Often times a good weekend involves something spectacular or different...like a play or dinner at a friend's house. All we really did was run some errands and watch an episode of John Adams and a few of The Wire. We got Lost in Lost and curse ourselves for ever starting this series. We went for a walk and the boys played at the dog park. We capped the weekend off with Basil Doc's pizza and the Oscars. Sounds simple, really. We were able to take advantage of Mike feeling pretty good along with the weather being pretty nice. I have learned the art of appreciation...I used to put pressure on myself to go out to bars and restaurants, be busy, shop, see friends, and zoom around the city. Now I appreciate the small things...A sunny February day, a walk, a really good meal. It is refreshing to take the pressure off doing stuff and just allowing myself to really be in the moment. It is a new perspective. This week I get to take Wednesday off. It will be 66 degrees and so I have plans! I may do yard work, walk with Mom, and putter around the house. Sounds like bliss to me!

Time Flies

Time flies...It was one week ago tomorrow that I turned 33. I haven't really even thought about 33 since then. It has been a busy week. I finished teaching my last Conflict Center class and the next one starts in March-a break will be nice. I had my Ignatian Scholars class Friday which was good to get back...we have been on a hiatus. I am still interning to teach ED 205, so that takes up Thursday nights until March 5th. I am relishing these few evenings when I come home from work, put my jammies on, make dinner, and plop on the couch to watch some TV!

Mike hasn't been feeling too well. I think the pain meds mess with his stomach. This time with chemo his reaction hasn't been as mellow-he can't sleep well, and he is nauseous. Poor guy...I feel so bad for him and there is nothing I can do. Hopefully over time he will start feeling better as the chemo makes its way toward the cancer, killing it. He goes back the week of the 2nd so let's promise a few good days in between.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turn 33. That is such a strange age, isn't it? 31 is the first year over the 30 hump, 32 you still feel young, and 34 is the year before your 35th birthday. I guess I need to figure out something special that I can make my own for 33. I will ponder that today.

We are on day #3 of chemo for this session. It hasn't been too bad...well, I guess easy for me to say, I just sit and read books and magazines. Mike has been a bit nauseous, and hasn't been sleeping the best, but I think he is doing okay. And somehow the chemo is making him beat me at Cribbage...he is up by 4 games! Well, 3 actually but I got skunked once so I guess that makes it 4. The nurses have been so kind...one in particular really likes Mike and she dotes on him, makes sure he is comfortable, chats him up, and really helps the time go by fast.

Tonight we will have lasagna with my family to celebrate my birthday. Next week I think some friends are taking me to happy hour which will be fun. All in all, as long as I have my Mike, my friends, my family, and my pooches I feel blessed to be 33.

It's back

Well, we got the bummer news on Tuesday that Mike's cancer has come back. If there is good news in this discovery, it is that the cancer hasn't spread and is in the same region as before. The bad news is that he has to start chemo again, which I know he hates, and we have to go through this whole process once again.

All I can say is that the oncology nurses at Dr. Fisher's office are just so wonderful. They are comforting and kind, personable and funny. They make the chemo room feel like we are a part of a family. I couldn't imagine a sterile, cold, impersonal environment during chemo. The patients need that connection, the laughter and the empathy.

I spent the first part of the week in a pretty bad mood; now I am getting to that more positive space where I can put those good vibes out there. If there is one thing to learn from all this, it is the cliche "Take each day as it comes" statement. That is just so true...to really be in each moment as if it were your last, or least before it is about to be changed.

All things weekend

I had a pretty enjoyable weekend. Not only was the weather lovely but I also got to get out and enjoy a few things. Dad and I went to the Denver Art Museum to see the Ernest Blumenshein exhibit. It was a wonderful exhibit and I wish I could move to New Mexico and enjoy the expansive landscape that he shows in his paintings. We went to lunch at the Cherokee Inn and then I ran some errands. Mike and I took the boys to the dog park with the weather being so warm and they romped and played. We came home, napped, and then watched an episode of John Adams, an HBO special we have on Netflix and are just loving.

Yesterday, I went to the dog park again and met Jen and Izzie. Stan loves seeing Izzie and they romped and played. Jen and I caught up on the week's news and then I came home and cleaned the house. Mike and I watched the superbowl over at Mom and Dad's house. We had fun...Grandpa's chili, a yummy cheese dip, and beer. All good things! The Steelers won, but really I didn't care who would win...I just loved being with the family.

Mike had a PET scan on Friday and so tomorrow at 3:30pm we have his follow up appointment. Wish him luck. We are both very anxious about this one, considering his back pain and recent illness. We are hoping for good news, however.

Thoughts and prayers go to Meg's mom...Ellen has been in the hospital with blood clots and other problems. We know what those endless hours in the hospital feel like. We are rooting for you Ellen and hope you get to cozy up in your own bed very soon.

To Friends!

I took a vacation day today to get a few things done and it is feeling good so far! I wish every work week consisted of four, not five days. Having some extra time to accomplish personal errands and such makes for more play time on the weekends!

I had a great night with Liz. I invited myself over for dinner, and I was there for four hours! She makes the best Cobb salad, which I requested of course. It was good to catch up...I tend to talk a whole lot so I hope she wasn't bored with me. But it was good to just talk and talk, you know? Just discuss things I don't talk much about. Liz has an empathetic ear, yet she knows how to give good advice.

Actually, I am lucky to have in my life all my friends. You know Facebook? How you can have, like, hundreds of "friends"? I am not that open, and am pretty happy with the small amount of close friends I do have. Who else knows what my face looks like when I am mad? Who else tells me that I look great, even when I don't feel my best? Who else can I reminisce about what stupid things we did growing up? To my friends...I am one lucky girl to have you all in my life!

If you didn't already know

If you didn't already know, we have a new president who means business. Within hours of taking the oath, Barack has already achieved so much by way of international diplomacy. He has made strides in such a short time to undo what 8 years of the Bush presidency has done to how the international community views us. I am ever so hopeful that this is new era of peaceful justice.

What is new? I started the internship for ED 205. While I am so excited to teach, I am wiped out at the end of the night. I just sit and stare while my mentor is talking. I need to figure out waking myself up during these long four hour stretches. Next week I get to teach a section. I am going to teach about the role of faculty, advisors and the student. My plan is to break them into three groups to hash out what they think these roles are. Then I will build on that to teach the Regis model. Should be fun.

It was nice to have a break from the Conflict Center class on Monday (MLK Holiday). We were off at Regis as well and so I laid in bed from 9am-noon reading my book The Hour I First Believed (Yes, mom and dad, you gave me this book for Christmas and I am still reading it...). I am such a slow reader at night. I read one or two pages and then boom! Head hits the pillow. How can I argue to my boss that I need one day off a week to lay in bed and read? I would be so much more productive.

What else? Mike's health is still in a questionable state. He is much better than before, but there are a few mysterious things going on. Plus, he just isn't himself. Well, he is still awnry and all that, but he just doesn't have that spark sometimes. I know it is because of the pain, but I hope we can come to some resolution so he can start enjoying life again. He has a PET scan scheduled for the end of the month, and so hopefully it answers questions, even though the answer still may be "we don't know."

Jason and Jess are coming to dinner Saturday. We haven't entertained or gone out in a long while, Mike has been too tired to want to. They proposed that he can sit in his jammies while Jess and I cook and he and Jay chat. That sounds reasonable. Plus, they have their Disneyland trip DVD. I want to see Max coming off Space Mountain. They said he went on ALL the rides. He is certainly becoming a big kid.

Family Pictures

Mom sent along some pictures from Christmas-here are two of the family together Christmas Day. It is amazing that we are well into January and the holidays are behind us.

3 minute daily retreat

I have a colleague who teaches Religious Studies here at Regis and he has a blog with this link. The above link is a daily 3 minute retreat you can take when you need to get away from the work at your desk, the emails and calls you have to return, and all the other little aspects of the day that make us get really busy. Just one click on the icon and you can take 3 minutes to yourself. It is a Jesuit retreat so it will be religious, but if you aren't Catholic you can imagine whatever spiritual realm you would like. I am trying to incorporate it into my everyday to remind myself of this quote by Archbishop Oscar Romero:
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning. A step along the way.

What store are you?

I went to the mall with Meg this weekend and we talked about what clothing stores we like. So, that got me thinking about posting "What stores am I?" Now, here is a disclaimer-this idea for a posting does not mean you (or I) have to necessarily shop at these stores. Rather, this is more what kind of store speaks to your (or my) style. Let's give it a try:

1. What clothing store am I? I love the clothes in Anthropologie. But, I can't say I am Anthropologie. I think I am more Eddie Bauer, Ann Taylor Loft, and sometimes, yes, Target.
2. What bath store am I? Hands down, I am Crabtree and Evelyn. I love their rosewater lotion-it is the perfect rose smell.
3. What home store am I? I just got a catlog the other day for a store called Arhaus http://www.arhaus.com/ I fell in love with everything in the catlog. I love the relaxed and earthy feel.
4. What kitchen store am I? I like Crate and Barrel-the simplicity matches my style. Sur la Table has fun knick knack kitchen stuff as well.
5. What shoe store am I? Definitely The Walking Company. I need therapy shoes for my feet.

Good things come to those who wait

I am happy to report that Mike's health is on the up and up. He isn't 100% but from where he was before even 75% better is an improvement. He has been working and we actually had our first date night in a month! Saturday we saw Marley and Me. We of course didn't bring kleenex (not wise) and so we sniffled through the last half. We went home to our guys and gave them extra loving before heading out to sushi at Osaka Sushi on Colorado Blvd. We ordered eel and after some hemming and hawing I actually tried and liked it! It was good to get out and spend some fun time together.

I started teaching at the Conflict Center last night. I love the class and the topic is easy to teach because they have it all outlined in a clear syllabus. I co-taught with Pearl who works there and I think we both had good energy and cliked. The clients are all such amazing people who are on their own personal journeys, whether or not these journeys are court mandated. Some are looking for personal developement and I hope they find it in this class.

So, things are looking better than a month ago. That and we are on the downward slope toward spring!

All the good things coming along

I guess amongst all the stress and health crisis of late, two good things are happening. First, my first night to volunteer teach at the Conflict Center is Monday night. I am a little nervous and will need to prepare over the weekend. The second thing is I get to do my internship for the course at Regis, and today the chair of the course came by and asked if I want to start teaching this summer! I am nervous and excited. I ask myself...is this really happening to me? All these things I have been planning for are actually happening. And, I keep feeling somewhat unqualified. Not that I am not qualified...it is just those doubts start creeping in. I am one of those people who just needs to jump in and get going...I can't think about it too much.

Mike went to work today which is a good sign he is feeling better. He even was able to get on the floor this morning and rub Chester's belly. Imagine...a Chocolate Lab, stretched on the floor, arms open, tail thumping the ground, waiting for his papas to come and scratch his belly. He was incredibly satisfied today after it happened.