I will get by

I had one of those breakthroughs that really make an impact on how I am feeling. All week I was a bit down with the realization that never again will I see Mike. He isn't in Antarctica or out of town...he is gone. Period. I know, it sounds silly since I was standing by his side, holding his hand and he took his last breaths. Somehow my brain has been protecting me from the harsh reality I am facing. This week my brain opened the floodgates and I found myself crying at early hours in the morning, sobbing really. Well, this morning I had that happen. It was 5am and I lay crying in my bed. Just sobbing, knowing Mike would never return to me. Somehow, though, I started to have memories of how sick he really was. I remembered all the nights I would wake up every two hours to make sure he was still breathing. The time he fell when he was trying to get out of bed. How thin he became. My crying subsided slowly, as I really thought about how he had a terminal illness and what that meant for us. I fell back asleep and had this dream. The dream was that Mike was in the hospital and doctors kept moving him from room to room to try to make him all better. When they moved him though he was like a rag doll. He was alive but just not there. I woke up feeling utterly and completely at peace. I truly believe Mike came to me in my thoughts and heart. He indicated that he has accepted his new path and that he is relieved to not be in pain and suffering. In my heart I felt him say..."I am okay. I don't have to struggle anymore. Now, you need to be okay. I will help you." I hopped out of bed and just felt so good. I felt refreshed. I felt peace in my heart. To top it off, on the way home from work today KBCO played "Touch of Gray" from the Grateful Dead. "I will get by...I will survive." I sang it at the top of my lungs.