Buzzkill

I am off from work this week. Ahhh...I have been in my job, what, about two months and I already have been coveting this time off. Yesterday I did a little shopping and went to see the movie "Love and Other Drugs" (save your money-a cute flick but very, very predictable). Today, I booked a hot stone massage at the spa located in a hotel. I was referred to this place from a past friend and co-worker. With the massage I would get use of the hotel's pool, whirlpool and sauna, plus the locker room. I knew I would be in heaven. The woman who checked me in asked how I heard about the spa, and I told her. She asked who my friend was. I told her the name and she said she knew the person. "Do you teach?" She asked me. I said no, I am an advisor at a community college now. I am not working at Regis with the person who gave me the referral.

The masseuse was a guy, and normally I have women therapists, but I figured a massage is a massage. And, to be honest, I actually prefer the massage from a guy. Women can be a little rough, but this masseuse was very gentle and spoke quietly. "Are the stones too hot?" he asked a few times. "No-just perfect" I would respond and go back into my massage bliss. Even the abrupt, "the massage is over" statement seemed quieter and more gentle, like I didn't have to rush out of the room afterwords.

So...there I was. In my hot stone massage fog. I put on my swimsuit and robe to go off to the whirlpool and sauna. The woman who checked me in showed me the locker room. " So," she asked, "are you single or married?" I never know how to answer the question. If I say single, there seems to be a stigma that this 30 plus year old can't hold down a relationship. If I say married, well, then I am living in another fantasy altogether. So, I tell her I am a widow and my husband died a year ago. That usually kills a conversation, but not with this gal. "Are you dating?" She asked. And from there, I heard all her dating woes about men on the online dating scene. How no man in his 40's and 50's wants to commit. They tell her how beautiful she is and then the next minute they tell her they are seeing someone else. Blah, blah, blah. I stood there, in my robe, knowing a whirlpool is waiting for me. The bliss of my massage has soon dissipated. I start to envision a spa where no one is allowed to talk.

2011: Goin' Solo

I took Chester and Stanley to Mike’s grave on Christmas Eve. They had only been there once and I thought it prudent that they wish their “papas” a Merry Christmas-his very favorite holiday. We got out of the car and wandered to Mike’s grave, the boys sniffing all around at new smells. I wished Mike a Merry Christmas and said all the things I usually say when I visit his grave-that I love and miss him, but that I am doing okay. As I looked at his headstone I had a new realization: I am going into year 2 without him. 2009 seems so far away.

2010 was one strange year. It was the first year without Mike. I went through all the first anniversaries of this and that. I quit my good paying and steady job so I could decompress. I travelled. I visited spas and had massages. I ate a lot and drank too much. I made new friends and severed relationships that didn’t feed my soul. I found my creative self. I spent time with amazing homeless men and women. I had regrets and wished Mike could come back so I could do it all over again, this time better. I wondered what Mike thinks of me now up on his perch in the afterlife.

I know “they” say that Aquarians shouldn’t spend too much time alone. But 2011 beckons me to a quieter place; after realizing almost 2 years will pass without Mike I know that 2011 really is going to be my year. I can’t bring him back. And, anyway, I make myself miserable when I think of what we could have done differently to prolong his life, or how I could have been a better wife. All that has passed and now, it is left to me, to face 2011 solo. And I think it will be a pretty good year.

Content

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~Bob Hope

Merry Christmas 2010 Style

I can't believe that while California is getting torrential rains, and the mountains are getting hit with heavy snow, and the midwest/northeast has been hit with cold, and Europe was experiencing record snowfall...I am looking out the window at a remarkably sunny day in Denver. I do hope for a little snowfall-it would put that final touch on Christmas.

I am looking forward to some time off from my job at CCA. The school gives up all the federal holidays and takes the week after Christmas off. My boss did ask that I increase my hours for January, which got me excited because I am really liking working at CCA and working with community college students. Also, I am finding I like having something to do and make a little money!

For Christmas this year, I will be joining my family for mass and then dinner at 730 South on Christmas Eve. Christmas day will be spent with them as well-opening gifts at mom and dad's and then I am hosting Christmas dinner. On the menu? Beef Stroganoff, potato gratin, and green beans with shallots. I am looking forward to cooking and entertaining. Other holiday cheer this week? Drinks at the Brown Palace with my family and the McClanahans and driving with Meg and the kids to look at Christmas lights. It has been a fun and festive week.

Merry Christmas to all! I wish everyone a happy celebration and some much deserved time off with family and friends. XO

A day at the movies

I am beginning to really enjoy going to movies by myself. I saw Harry Potter a few weeks ago and really enjoyed taking that time to myself to enjoy something on the big screen. I took myself to see Black Swan yesterday and just let myself get sucked into the engaging yet psycho-thrilling story line. I hope to see all the movies up for Oscar nominations this year. I always make a list with the intention of seeing these movies, but I never get around to it.

I did cancel my Netflix membership. I had one movie for, like, 3 months before watching it, so ultimately that movie cost me around $50. I decided I don't watch movies too much, so if I am going to watch them I will through On Demand or the actual movie theater. I like this approach so much better.

Next on the list: The King's Speech (when it opens in Denver), the William S. Burroughs movie at the Starz theatre, How do you know? and Love and Other Drugs. It should be a good movie season!

A new blog to follow

I found the cutest blog today...Fortunes and Charms. Here is the link:

http://www.fortunesandcharms.com/

I love collage art and she has all these little collage pieces for sale. She creates little bags with various collage art that can be put together-"collage kits"...maybe I will find some inspiration!

Mike's tree

I wish I took a picture of Mike's tree today. My mom and dad met me at the cemetery and put ornaments on the tree by Mike's grave. It looks festive enough, but simple enough, just like Mike would like it. Not a lot of pomp and circumstance, just some glitterings of gold, silver, red, blue and green. And lots and lots of love.

The cemetery has a definitive effect on me. It is always one of peace and comfort. I think it has to do with the contemplative nature of the space-the trees, the lack of people, the quiet. I often feel that it is a third home (the first-mine, the second-my parents). I go there and rarely feel sadness-I feel peaceful and meditative. Heck, I talk to Mike 7 days a week at home, in the car, at work...when I go to the cemetery it feels different, like it is is his place, his space and I get to visit and enjoy. The area where he is buried is so lovely- lots of trees and space. I also find peace in visiting his "neighbors"-a teenage boy, another man in his 30's, and others who all inhabit this same section of the cemetery. My parents and I looked at the other trees and appreciated the ornaments and other decorations. We agreed that Mike's is perfect-simple but festive for the season.

Just how I am feeling. My house is decorated the exact way I would like it. I have a lovely little tree, lights, and some decorations on the dining room table. I do have one rule of decorating-don't put stuff places I will forget about. So, I don't decorate obscurely in the bathroom, kitchen or office-I decorate in places I can see so I can easily take it down when it is time to start hoping for the spring. I have taken lessons of Mike's life I now make my own-do what is meaningful to me, not what I think other people expect. A lesson I will always carry.

Chchchanges

Okay, so I have noticed something different about myself lately. I am not sure if I know how I feel about it. I looked in the mirror and noticed that my face is becoming moon shaped. Oh, and that there is a little extra skin under the chin. Some might call that a double chin.

I was looking at pictures of myself from 2006 and noticed my face was a perfect shape. Kind of heart like, with a nicely defined jaw. So, what happened? Yes, my readers, I am starting to notice that as I age my features are changing. Of course, that double chin might actually disappear if I lost a few pounds, but still...I am seeing the changes that evolve over time.

I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil the other day about a reality TV show called Bridalplasty, where soon-to-be-brides compete for plastic surgery before their wedding day. There are many disturbing aspects on many levels with that concept. The most disturbing to me is the denial that the end goal is this false sense of beauty they have. First, I wanted to actually see pictures of their husbands-I mean, how hunky are they? Would the husbands do a little lipo to fit perfectly in a tux? Get botox so their lips are fuller? Have the fat sucked out of their man-breasts? Second, I wanted to tell these women about the nature of love and marriage. 'Til death do us part means that they get to see each other in all their glory-from the glowing bride, to the wrinkles, to the getting soft around the middle, to the liver spots...All of that is the beauty of choosing one person to spend life with.

Although I look in the mirror and see changes-the rounder face, the muffin top, the upper arms where jello has inhabited space where muscle used to be-I recall something that keeps me loving myself for who I am. Mike was in the hospital for one of many times, and I had gained about 20 pounds from stress and hospital food. I remember looking in the mirror and getting a glimpse of my body shape and I said, "Man, I could stand to lose a few pounds." Mike said to the nurse in the room, "Don't you think she is perfect just the way she is?"

My wish to all the contestants on Bridalplasty-may you be married to someone who loves you just the way you are.

The Christmas season is upon us

I am actually in the Christmas spirit this year. A friend asked me today, "You are going on year two of holidays without Mike...how are you feeling?" I am actually feeling great and ready for the holidays. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving-I ran the entire four miles of the Turkey Trot and was so proud that I pushed myself to cross the finish line. I had dinner with my family and ate so much that I needed my elastic waist pants for comfort! We played a game and relaxed which was nice.

I finished most of my holiday shopping over the weekend. I actually enjoyed the trips to the mall and the Christmas music. I was excited to find gifts-not gift cards-this year for family and friends. I also took myself to see Harry Potter which has left me hanging for the final installment. I even took a Christmas picture that included Ches and Stan and made photo cards (You should be getting one in the mail!).

Of course, Mike is never far from my mind, and the holidays are no exception. But somehow this year I am feeling much more grateful than I am feeling sad or lonely. I have really been able to do the personal healing and growth this year that I needed after losing my best friend. While it will never be easy, I am glad to have back that spirit of the season that will make the holidays that much more cheery.

20 things to be thankful for

1. The circle of love-family and friends make life so much more meaningful
2. Chester and Stanley-we are the three musketeers
3. Having been married to a really awesome guy
4. A Whole Foods within walking distance
5. Living so close to a popular recreational park
6. A part-time job-allowing me to create more balance in my life
7. Unearthing my creative self
8. Wireless internet
9. All the places I have travelled to, all the sights I have seen
10. Quiet and reflective time
11. Discovering yoga!
12. NPR-Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Morning Edition, Talk of the Nation...
13. Natural beauty-the mountains, the ocean, and everything in between
14. Owning my home
15. HGTV and The Food Network
16. Being a part of an excellent book club
17. A really comfy bed and a good night's sleep
18. Food and the comraderie a good meal brings
19.My Ipod
20. My Mac computer


Happy Thanksgiving! May this be a time to reflect on what you are thankful for and to spend time with family and friends.

Craft shows

Who is Samantha Robinson? She is some sort of merchandising, crafty genius of Denver who can get all sort of creative people together for one big eye candy event.

Aim and I went to two craft fairs today. The first was put on my women who live in the Willow Creek neighborhood. Crafty gals, I tell you. I bought all sorts of stuff-a detangler hairbrush, a tea mug, and a gift for a friend who reads this blog. Aim and I then went to Sam Robinson's Gifts for Yule craft show http://www.giftsforyule.com/ and just marveled at the creative people out there.

I bought a small shadowbox made by this white haired man with a booth that had good prices. I plan to make that my Mikey memorabilia box. It is funny how things that are meant to be just jump out at ya...it is just that I need to be attentive in recognizing when it happens.

Reflections on work and leisure

Yesterday I started my part-time job. I fell so easily into this position-I had worked one day a week at this community college in the past and got to know the advising and student services staff. They were all such great people to work with, and when I quit Regis the supervisor told me to call her if I wanted a part-time advising job. Over the summer, I toyed with jobs in retail but realized to make any money I would have to work full-time. So, I contacted this woman and she hired me part-time, which had a payscale that would equate to a full-time retail job.

Can I tell you? How did I manage to work 8 hours before?

After taking a full summer off plus a few months, I have become an advocate for the idea of balance. In order to have balance, I know I can't take things to either extreme. So, instead of working an 8 hour day with good pay and owning a brand new mini-SUV, I choose the part-time job and keep the two 10 year old cars that are paid off. The trade off is...my morning walk followed by a yoga class; getting out of work in the winter while the sun is still shining; after a heavy snowstorm, brushing off my car at 8am instead of 6am. The impact on my quality life-part-time vs. full-time-I can tell already is amazing.

That said, I am referring to a job where career development is not necessarily the primary reason to work there. While I love the staff and the job itself is interesting and fun, I know my passion will be in the social work field. I already feel it when I work with the homeless for the art projects. So, I have a feeling once I start pursuing my MSW I will need to re-read this post about balance. Until then, though, I am really loving life.

Happy Halloween, Scrooge Style

I still question the sanity of the person who created the idea of trick-or-treating. Unless this person lived in a tiny little community where everyone knew each other, I find the idea kind of strange. Visiting strangers houses in costume for candy? I hate to be ho-hum and not that fun...but I do think it is a bit strange that we make this an annual tradition. Okay, okay...some of my best memories as a kid come from trick-or-treating. We travelled with a group of friends, my mom, and spooky stories as we visited neighbor houses...so, I don't know what I am complaining about.

I guess my Scrooge-ness comes from having Chester and Stanley. I cringe when I think about the hello the boys give guests I actually invite over...let alone small children knocking randomly at the front door for candy. The boys are bigger than most kids combined and have more energy than 10 seven year olds in one room...so the thought of answering the door with Ches and Stan by my side is a nightmare knowing that these trick-or -treaters have not signed some sort of waiver.

So...each Halloween I plan to be someplace else. Tonight Mandy and I went to Olivea for some appetizers and a drink...but now I am home. All the lights are out except the lovely light of my TV as I watch the Next Iron Chef competition. So far, no trick-or-treaters and hopefully that will be the course of the night.

There is nothing better than...

A puppy spa day and new doggie beds!

A good day to lay low

I am going to lay low today. I realized that I have one more week as a totally free woman before I start a new job. I am going to work at Community College of Aurora as a part time academic advisor. I will work Mon-Fri 11-3 from Nov 1 to Jan 31. I am really looking forward to getting back into a routine of work, and having the weekend mean something again. However, I am going to miss these days when I wake up and have a plethora of activities to choose from for the day.

This morning, I woke up a bit creaky and groggy. I walked with a friend and then we did the Friday yoga class at the rec center. It felt so good. I went to Barnes and Noble, got my daily Chai Tea Latte and bought a book-Just Like Us by Helen Thorpe. I came home, took the dogs for a nice walk and now I am preparing to crawl into bed and read. Maybe nap. I do plan to do a little yard work later on, and then I am going to Venice Restaurant with a friend whose parents are in town. It should be a good day-cool enough to justify the coziness of a bed and a book.

Lorrie and I finished up a week of art workshops and we will face next week with the same. We worked with kids from a low income housing area in Lowry and it was tough, but they tried to be good and listen and participate. We got the date of the open house of the building off 15th and Pearl where our art piece will live-December 16th. Expect an email invitation to attend the open house and view the art! Although, we don't really know what it will look like yet...

I will put that worry aside, close the laptop and put the jammies on. I hope you all can enjoy a day to lay low.

An update

Lots has been happening in my life and in my house! I tackled some flooring issues and had tile laid in the back mudroom and office. It is a beautiful terra cotta tile, and it is going to be the answer to all my dirt/dog hair issues. It is a beautiful addition to the house and I have to do some minor touching up in order to really make it shine-paint the trim in the mudroom, the threshold and the stairs. Otherwise, it is really lovely. My office is in a state of "tabula rasa" as far as organization and desk space are concerned. I am going to get a drafting table so I can continue to develop my artistic collage abilities. Right now I am relegated to the coffee table and with the TV, Ches and Stan all staring at me my creative juices are not really flowing. I want a simple desk for my computer and a drafting table, along with storage for my art and office supplies. That should be easily done in the next month.

I thought I should update on how the art program is going with Lorrie. As I may have written about before, we were commissioned to create an art piece for a new Colorado Coalition for the Homeless house community in Capital Hill. One of the requests was that we engage CCH clients in creating the overall piece. Last week, Lorrrie and I began our first of a number of scheduled workshops to help us create this end result. We have no idea what it will look like, but we are instructing the clients on what we hope will the basis of our piece. If I were to be really honest, the art piece itself actually comes in second to the process of working with the homeless clients. We have had nothing but amazing experiences and it really, truly has given me sense a renewed optimism of the human spirit. The people we work with have such complex lives, but truly when Lorrie and I just let go and be us with them...a beautiful thing emerges called kinship. I can't explain it. I would only hope everyone has had the opportunity to look into the eyes of someone else and really feel a connection.

Loss is loss

One of the things I see as positive after losing Mike is understanding another person's loss. Of course I had lost loved ones before, but a profound loss such as of a spouse, parent, close friend, sibling or child allows for a certain kind of empathy that wasn't necessarily there before. I know what it feels like to have good days and bad. I know what it is like to have days I don't remember what happened, or days where laying in bed was the best alternative. I know what it feels like to have to get on, go to work or to go to the grocery store, immersed in people who don't maybe know of the loss, to feel that alone in a crowded room.

This weekend, I learned of the losses two friends have had to endure. One is very recent, the other years ago but never resolved. I know what those feelings are like, from the regrets to the hopes to the memories...and that deep gaping hole knowing that it won't be filled physically by that person again.

I don't think those of us who have lost loved ones will ever be the same as we were before. A profound change happens, and while we can get on and move on with life, that hole is still there. I know I try to patch it up with all different thoughts-that the lost loved one exists in another energy field, or that the loved one is here in spirit. Of course, these are comforting thoughts, but they really don't patch or mend that hole. And I think it is okay for that hole to be there, knowing that it isn't big enough or deep enough to fall into.

Thinking of and loving all my friends and family who endured loss and the bravery it takes to face it.

Absinthe and Dracula

A fine combination, wouldn't you say? One is blood vessel draining and the other is blood sucking. Fortunately, I was smart enough to just observe both. My friend Mandy is an arts and culture writer for The Examiner. Halloween being so close, she is interested in writing about events related to Halloween. I told her about Colorado Ballet's Dracula and she got us two tickets. We decided to start at the absinthe bar adjacent to Z Cuisine on 30th and Wyandot. Neither of us were brave enough to try a glass. She was driving and I wanted to keep my sanity. However, we did indulge in some lovely appetizers-roasted beets and a little cheese plate that we just took our time savoring. It was a lovely prelude to being thrust into the ballet...which was divine. To be honest, I have seen this ballet half a dozen times since I worked there. The magic, though, returned and I was thrust into the world of grace, beauty, drama, and jealously (how can she do pointe on her bare toes????). We had a delightful evening and I can't wait to read her review of the events. We promised each other a glass of absinthe in the future when we can take a cab.

Brussels Sprouts

(This is not my image but downloaded from the Internet)

Leave it to my chef friend Aimee to introduce me to the food that brings back childhood nightmares...the Brussel's sprouts.

I don't believe Mom served these very often. I don't really recall having an adverse reaction to a Brussels sprout. People I meet do: "Ewwww! I hated those growing up!" But...I would have to ask...have you really had Brussels sprouts??

My first adulthood re-introduction came at Piatti in Cherry Creek. Aim and I ordered a pan seared BP with bacon and onion. When I say "to die for" I mean it...especially with anything Piatti has to serve. So, I was at the store the other day and saw them and had a flashback to that amazing dish. I decided to go for it.

Tonight, along with an arugula salad, I steamed some Brussels and then seared them with caramelized red onion and garlic. Need I say De-lish?

Lesson learned: Try things like Brussels sprouts, beets, and turnips now as an adult where there is an understanding of the words olive oil, caramelized and sear. Yummmmmy!

Fall's simple pleasures

Fall for me is a time to slow down, reflect, hunker in, and treat myself to simple pleasures. I enjoyed two simple pleasures today-a walk in City Park and a drive to Evergreen Lake. I haven't had a chance to drive in the mountains and enjoy the fall colors, so both places were perfect destinations-close by, but they had enough fallishness to satisfy my appetite for yellows, reds, and browns. City Park trees are still green so I will probably go back for a few more walks the next few weeks to really enjoy the colors. The best view is from the side of the Museum of Nature and Science-looking at the fountain and the pavillion, the trees all around and the tall buildings that sprout up into the sky. It is truly a pleasant place to enjoy the colors. Evergreen Lake was nice-the swampland grasses are turning color and cattails are popping up everywhere. Yellow trees reflected in the water, and the water was crisp and clear. The drive was nice as well-I passed Lair of the Bear park and decided that, too, would be another simple destination for fall foliage. It had a palette of warm colors from the road above.

Another simple pleasure is turning on my oven and not sweating! It is yet again time for me to start cooking more consistently. Tonight it is a Hungarian dish-pork chops baked on top of cabbage, potatoes, onions and garlic. I love these kinds of meals-they are hearty and healthy and comforting.

Don't get me wrong-I am going to be participating in my fair share of an active lifestyle this fall. I am still practicing yoga, walking every day, and again I am training for another little 5K on October 23rd with Jessica. When the weather turns I will join the rec center and use the treadmill if it is too cold to be outside. But, while these activities get the blood and heart moving, there is still nothing like putting on PJ's on a cool Sunday afternoon, making a hot chocolate or cup of tea, and popping in a movie to the DVD player.

Inspiration

I was inspired today visiting Lorrie. She is staying at my friend Pam's place while Pam is in Antarctica. I went over to talk about our project for the Colorado Coalition for the Homeless and she also treated me to a delicious lunch with salad, French bread and cookies. While food always inspires me, I was really inspired by her use of space. Lorrie has been creating and in every room there was a stamp or signature of her creative ways-a sewing machine with an almost made tunic for her grand-daughter; a bedroom with a lovely collage of blue on the floor; another bedroom with bits and pieces of artistic materials strewn on the floor. I wanted glue, scissors, a pair of sweatpants and a paintbrush so I could take all of this artistic lovliness and make something out of it. I left with a large ziploc bag full of stuff-painted tissue paper, printed quotes, stickers, ribbon, canvas...but then when I get home, to my small house inhabited by me and my three large dogs I realize I have no such space...to create. My office is in transition, so perhaps that will become my space. But a thought occurred to me...what if I sold my house, bought a house with more rooms, and that is where Lorrie and I can set up shop for our art program. Ahhhh....yet another idea to throw into the decision making wheel of life. Already, another local women's housing community wants us to start an art program. She and I are also going to try our hand at selling our creations at some upcoming art markets. So, why not trade this space for something more functional? So, in the blender of decision making I will throw this idea, along with a move to Portland for graduate school, along with a million more ideas...until I can make something palatable.

Santa Fe and ABQ

Robert and I just got back from our trip to Santa Fe. We also went to Albuquerque for the day yesterday. We had a good time-comfortable accomodations, lots of wandering around, a little shopping, visits to museums, and finally...the food! One restaurant stood out called The Shed. We happened upon it Thursday night and had the best meal. We returned last night and ordered a similar meal-blue corn tacos with green chili turkey sausage. They served it with posole and pinto beans, and the chips, salsa and guac was heavenly. Even though the drive time totalled about 12 hours, time went by fast because Robert and I just chatted the whole time. He was a great travel buddy and I am so glad we have this memory!

Construction Zone

Lorrie and I got to visit the construction site of the newest transitional housing community being built on 15th and Pearl. We are assisting in creating an artpiece that will go on one of the main walls and we wanted to check out the space. It was such a unique experience. We got a tour from the project manager from Colorado Coalition for the Homeless and with hard hats walked through all the activity of building. The apartment homes are going to be nice-spacious with good lighting. Lorrie and I already have one of the art workshops with homeless and low income residents from another housing community scheduled and two more are just waiting for call backs. It should be a very cool and exciting project!

Slam Poetry

On Monday night I went to an event at a bookstore on 42nd and Tennyson street called Labtop Poetry. It was definitely an event that pushed me outside my comfort zone, but it was really interesting and fun. Two Mondays a month, a group of people get together to write poetry through a workshop, and then the other two Mondays are open mic nights where people can get up and share. This was the first meeting, so everyone was a little timid but I was so amazed at what people created! We learned how to use hyperboles and metaphors when writing which was really helpful to me because my writing style can be a little straightforward. I think I will give it a try a few more times and see if I can create some interesting poetry.

I get another Denver Art Museum date with dad tomorrow-one of my most favorite things to do. There is a western art exhibit and then we will have lunch at The Cherokee Inn. Today I am going to the Cherry Creek Farmers Market to eat my way across the market and then to have coffee with a friend. I do need to look for a little job in the next few weeks-I am starting to feel the need for a routine that a job can bring. October and November are applications for MSW programs-I am going to apply at DU and at PSU (just for kicks). I think my summer of renewal, relaxation and rejuvenation has done me well. Although when people ask what I have been doing this summer, I can't always give them details on what I have done...more like verbs: read, walked, practiced yoga, slept, loved life.

I am missing Mikey. Meg and I have talked about the seasons and how they can make grief a little more pronounced. I think I feel his absence more around season change than I do around major life events. As the weather changes to fall, memories of things like Sunday Broncos games, coffee outings, and trips to Tattered Cover with a warm beverage come to mind, those memories of comfort. So, I will do them in his honor and maybe get a little feeling that he is with me.

An Artsy Home

I had a lovely night Saturday and I feel the need write about it. My neighbor moved her parents here from Florida so they could be closer to her because they are getting older. They moved into some lofts near the Denver Art Museum. They threw her a birthday party at their place, and I just fell in love with the experience. Her father is an artist and they are both art collectors, so their home felt like a homey gallery. They also love funky furniture, so all the chairs were really cool and fun. The company was wonderful-neighbors and friends-and the music was jazz. The view from the balcony was impressive as well. I got a glimpse of a place I would totally love to live in if I didn't have the boys.

Where did the week go?

I can't believe the week has just flown by, and that we just celebrated the unofficial end of summer this weekend. I do love Indian Summer, though. We will still get those beautiful 80 degree days. My grass is still green and I don't have to rake...just yet. But I am feeling that restlessness a season change can bring. I do think it is now time to look for a job-something part-time that I can enjoy but not take it home with me at night. I am thinking retail, but am open to any suggestions.

Lorrie and I have been having a very engaging art program these past few weeks. Our friend Mary has been coming as well as a woman that works at the shelter who is teaching everyone the art of mosaics. It has been nice to step back a little bit and spend one-on-one time with certain women, just talking and laughing and sharing stories. The art program has been such an enriching experience in my life-being able to connect with women who have so much less material goods than I do, but are rich in heart, compassion and caring for others...it truly has been a one-of-a-kind experience.

One Year

Dear Mike,
I have been awaiting this day all month long, with anxiety and trepidation, as well as a little relief. The one year mark symbolizes so much that it is hard to put into words because all the symbols are often opposite of each other. For example, it symbolizes making it through a really tough year, but at the same time I can picture every place I was during this week last year. I wanted to commemorate your one year with a little trip to Estes Park where me and the boys can be in a cabin thinking about you and our life together. You intervened though, not wanting me to be alone, but rather to bring my friend Lorrie who herself was in need of some R and R. Lorrie and I enjoyed our time together-talking, cooking, walking, laughing. I felt at ease; I didn't need to entertain her-rather, she listened as I told stories about you and we looked through the wedding album Alyson made. She is an artist so storytelling to her is meaningful and she let me do it with ease and comfort.

I had a lovely meeting with your family and mine at the cemetery today. There were flowers already at your grave and no one knows who brought them, which brings such a smile to my face. We said words about you, and stood celebrating your spirit together. You made quite an impact on those in your life, whether you knew it or not. Often, I truly don't think you knew it.
I got a lovely email from Joni today about memories of you. I heard from Julie and Dave as well, remembering you especially at this time. I got to feel that love once again-that love I felt last year when people I didn't even know came forward to tell me what you meant to them.

Mikey, I miss you...but...the sadness isn't as raw as it used to be. The beauty of the one year mark is that the pain doesn't go away, but it all takes a different form. I like to think that you are working wonders from wherever you are right now. It doesn't go un-noticed...how Pam and Peter will wed this spring; how Lorrie has been offered a place to stay; how I feel at peace. I know you have been hard at work coordinating all sorts of things, and my job is to keep my heart open to see that. Isn't that the beauty of being alive? I now think of you with a smile. Many of the memories of you and I bring out a giggle or downright laughter. I feel a chill when I reflect on how you were my husband. What I lucky girl I am and was.

I love you.

Me

Mike's glasses

I proudly wear Mike's eyeglass frames every day. They sit comfortably on the bridge of my nose. I like the shape, and I see very well out of them thanks to my updated prescription. When I look at pictures of Mike in his glasses, I sense a familiarity...oh yeah...I am wearing those now. A friend actually had buttons made with little replicas of Mike's glasses on them. She knew how much these glasses meant to him (she was his nurse many times...she saw how these glasses gave him comfort). I recently saw Paul and Pam-two Antarctic friends off for another season on the ice. I gave them both a pin, with the intention of Mike seeing their Antarctic adventures symbolized by the pin. Both wore them proudly as I explained the meaning.

A little trip to Winter Park

I have friends with a condo in Winter Park and they rent it out in the winter for skiers. This summer they have kept it to themselves and I had a chance one last time to spend an evening there. It was just little old me-I am trying to get one or two more trips to the mountains before the weather turns. I had a lovely time. I shopped in the town, took a yoga class, took a few scenic drives, ate delicious Indian food, swam, and just reveled in sleeping through until 6am with no Ches and Stan to wake me. It was a lovely time, and the scenery this time of year is gorgeous-lots of wildflowers.

The new 'do

I was watching What Not to Wear recently and a girl was on it that reminded me of me. Her hair was like mine-long, straight, no bangs. When it came to the cut, she started crying because she didn't know what kind of change would happen. She said, "I have had the same haircut all my life."

I had recently been at Mom and Dad's looking through old photo albums, and thought, "My hair is the same as it was in high school." There were a few deviations here and there throughout the years, but I always end up back with long hair, no bangs. So, I decided to try bangs. And I am loving the new look.

A change will do me good, I think.

A little bit of beauty-DBG 2010

Here is what I found moseying through DBG this morning...

Diggin' out the memories

I don't know if I have ever blogged about the loathsome crawlspace in my basement, but in that space was a box I knew one day I would pull out to go through. The box is labelled "recent memories" although the photos and memorabilia aren't that recent. I crawled into bed to read this afternoon, but something told me it was time to open up that box. I then crawled into the space (literally) and dug out the box. I turned on the radio and poured myself a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio (yes, please note I am drinking in the afternoon...really, I needed that drink. I promise). Inside the box there were albums from elementary and high school; my wedding; my life with Mike; my life with Chester and Stan.

Poor Meg. She got two messages today. The first was about a short story she wrote in college that I still have. The second was about a poem I wrote in high school about us. I wish she were digging through the memorabilia with me. Maybe I will have her over to do so...with another glass of Pinot Grigio.

What really struck me were the pictures of Mike and me. We looked so young and we looked uber-happy. Now my smile sometimes seems contrived in pictures; then, when I was with Mike the sheer joy of life was painted on my face. It isn't that I am not happy now...I just feel like happiness now means different things than happiness meant back then. Mike and I were in pure love. I have cards and letters he wrote me from Greenland and Antarctica that show this love. I feel like we lived in this world of "us against them" and we conquered all. Happiness now is different. I am beginning to see what it might be like. Looking at pictures today made me realize that was then; this is now. A new chapter is unfolding, whatever that might be. It might not look as pretty and well coordinated as my life with Mike was. But a new chapter has to be created or the book will go nowhere. And we all hate reading books that bore us or have no great ending (or beginning to the next sequel).

I thought the emotions I would have looking through the memories would overcome me; rather, they actually solidified where I am right now. Mike has inhabited a space in my heart no one else can have. Now, when I go to the cemetery, he and I have heart to hearts (the poor lone walking man in that area of the cemetery can attest to that) but I don't feel Mike gone from me...rather, I feel him inside, keeping my heart beating and my blood flowing and my mind alert. Although I knew I had to go through those memories, and I thought that would be a hard thing to do, in actuality it revived me. Perhaps now I am older, wiser, and have had life experiences many 34 year olds have not....however, all it makes me be is as real as I was when I was 18, or 21 or 25. Life makes us real. It has made me understand that more now than ever before.

Chatfield, reinstated

About a month ago I took C & S to Chatfield and 15 minutes into the excursion we had to go home early. Yes, friends, I am the annoying person at a dog park, yelling at my dogs to behave and listen. This day in particular I probably could have walked around the whole dog training area without Chester and Stan noticing I was gone. They immersed themselves in grass, dead birds, and anything unsavory and would not listen to my pleas, "Ches and Stan, Come!" So, I made them swim one more time to get off any dead bird grime and get into the truck.

Since then, all the outings have been on leash. Walks, the cabin, and our trip to Evergreen lake the other day...all on leash. And it is painful! Chester will try to pull me into any body of water he sees; I feel like I am attaching my arms to wild horses when I walk them for some sort of slow torture. This morning, I thought I would try going to Chatfield again. And the boys did not disappoint. They ran alongside me when they wanted to, lagged behind a little when there was something to smell, but by no means was I yelling and screaming for them; nor did they discover anything nasty to play with. All in all, we had a good day and the best part about it is that they are getting so old this type of activity can last at least another day. That makes me very happy and them very tired.

Dont'cha love...

...the kind of friendship that can withstand some popular culture fodder?

I spent 3 hours with my bestie - name not mentioned for her protection
: ) - watching The Bachelorette related TV shows tonight. We talked through the commercials during the tell-all episode, and became quiet when the show came back on. We even stomached the 20/20 "Behind the Rose" special and counted how many couples from The Bachelor/Bachelorette have stayed together (not many...maybe 1?). I don't really think that the most compelling aspect of the night was the men bearing their souls about why they chose to be on this show. I think the most compelling aspect was the basic need for connection and friendship with or without a TV show.

My bestie was the one, 6 or 7 years ago, who would call me while we both watched one of the first episodes of The Bachelor while Mike was deployed to Antarctica. I have a vivid memory of sitting on my bed, phone in hand, TV on (when we had a TV in the bedroom), analyzing whether or not The Bachelor at the time made the right choice. Weekly this ritual would occur and for me it wasn't just the enjoyment of trash TV...it was the connection with my friend that was so profound.

Life got in the way. Marriages developed; Kids were born; Other TV shows were watched; Terminal illness was faced; Death sat at our dinner tables. So...when I was asked by numerous people this year (my bestie included) if I was watching The Bachelorette, I said no, but I will. Not because I care if Ali chooses the guy of her dreams, but because there is something so important in the connection with another person that even a simple popular culture TV show brings. And that is all I really care about.

Estes Park overnight

I discovered the YMCA camp in Estes Park a few weeks ago with Susan. I made reservations for a 2 bedroom cabin for last night because I learned the cabins would take dogs, and Ches and Stan were in need of an outing. I asked Mom to go with me, and we had a great time. Yesterday we drove into Estes and had a picnic by the river. We discovered the Riverwalk that goes along the river and along some shops and restaurants. We also walked a little bit downtown while I sipped on a cherry Coke, a treat while walking along the downtown area. We got to the YMCA camp and checked in a little early. We drove to our cabin-Robin's Nest-and to our delight it was a wonderful cabin, on a hill with a wraparound porch. Views from both sides were stunning and it was remote enough to feel relaxation. Chester and Stanley didn't know what to think. Stan spent most of the time in the cabin pacing around because he didn't know what to make of it. Chester found a spot under a side table and laid down. Mom and I relaxed and I took a short nap. We went for a little walk and ate dinner-a lovely picnic of macaroni and tuna salad, green salad and corn bread. We sat outside and enjoyed the view. After dinner we took a drive to the main lodge area, walked around and came back to the cabin. I called it an early night and fell asleep after reading for a bit. Today we got up, ate breakfast and went into Boulder. We wandered around Pearl Street Mall until we found out Chester and Stan were illegal on the mall. We walked to the Dushambe tea house and decided to make that a destination someday. The farmer's market was going on, so the crowd was hard to navigate with the boys. Now we are all home, comfy and relaxed, but before the summer is over I am going back with the boys to the same cabin. It was delightful.

There were a few highlights besides the cabin and views. Mom and I saw a beautiful bluebird three times. Two of the times it sat right in front of us on a wire. It was an electric blue when it would fly. We also saw a bunch of hummingbirds, one who flew right by us was a lovely red color. The sunset was also spectacular. It was light pink, grey and blue with a full moon; over RMNP the sky was a light blue. It is so refreshing to be away from the familiar in order to notice these little details of beauty.

All things yoga

Wow! It has been about two weeks since I have written. That seems to feel way too long, but then again, the point of writing is to write when I feel like it, not to force myself. So much has been going on. My friend Aimee said to me today, "My, you are so busy!" All I need is a paycheck for my busyness.

First things first-I have started practicing yoga. I go every Monday and Wednesday from 8:30-9:45am at the Wash Park rec center. The teacher is calming and the poses aren't anything to cry over, thankfully, although I do find myself "modifying" from time to time. My friend Aimee goes with me and every time we leave I say, "Wow, this is the life! I just can't think about going back to work." I have heard many people say that yoga has changed their lives. Maybe it is the feeling of empowerment of mastering a pose or maybe it is the breathing and quiet meditation. Whatever it is, I am looking forward at least to better balance and more strength and flexibility.

I spent the weekend with Susan and her two kids at the Estes Park YMCA camp. I took care of the 2 year old-Alex-while she went to a conference with the 3 month old strapped to her. Alex gave me a run for my money, and if I lost 10 pounds by running after him I think I gained it back...from dinner last night with my high school math teacher and his family. I nannied for Max when he was a baby and he is now 16 years old! Yikes! He is a delightful kid-very wise and philosophical. He and I sat on the front porch and talked religion and life for a while. It was so good to reconnect. I took my little Max to see Toy Story 3 and it was the best of the 3 Toy Stories I think. I just love hanging out with him-he and I talk and have fun together. Today I got to reconnect with two more friends who I haven't seen in a while. It felt like high school-sitting at Einsteins and just chatting away. We used to sit at Village Inn drinking coffee until all hours of the night back in the day. It was fun to feel that energy again.

All in all...yes I am busy. I am loving it though because it is busy on my time. I get to do enjoyable things rather than sit in front of a computer all day. I know, the time will come when I have to get a job but until then, I am enjoying every single minute.

The Events

The Cycling for Change riding team has come and gone. So have the events. I must say, I am proud of how the wine and cheese reception turned out. 150 people came, and I think we raised over $1,000 from that event alone, which is good considering some of the people have been involved from the beginning. The memorable event was the pancake breakfast today. It was at the Samaritan House homeless shelter downtown. You know when things just jive? When "spirit" or "flow" takes over and everyone and everything comes together seamlessly? Everything from chair delivery to serving over 600 pancake breakfasts to fellowship and goodwill...it all happened today. The most memorable moment came in the form of music. There was a local musician volunteering her time and talent during the breakfast. As the performance went on, the homeless guests started to sing along. At first it started with a person maybe singing a line or two of a song. Before I knew it, some guy busted out an electric guitar and another guy started singing "Born to be Wild" and the jam and tunes were in sync perfectly. At 11am the cyclists lined up and rode out on their next leg to Castle Rock. It was truly and inspirational, humbling, and great feeling kind of day. It got me really thinking about how being in community energizes me. Something to ponder as I think about my future.

Just a bit of an update

My involvement in the Cycling for Change initiative is coming to a slow end. The two events are going to be this week that we have been planning-a wine and cheese fundraiser and a pancake breakfast. Once these are over, my commitment to the initiative will be to continue working with Lorrie on the "change through creativity" program with the homeless women. I missed them for the past two weeks when I was out of town-I just love my Sunday mornings, chit chatting while painting, gluing, stamping, cutting and whatever else Lorrie has us do each week. I will look forward to this tomorrow for sure.

I have been a bit under the weather lately with feeling a bit blah and having an upset stomach. I ate at Beatrice and Woodsley for the first time Thursday night, and I am wondering if those rich pork bellies or another of the many appetizers we indulged in are the culprit. I really liked it there-the atmosphere was interesting and the service staff really nice and pleasant. Because I have been under the weather, I have been forced these past few days to sit, rest, read, and not get to my "Should" list. I am learning in general to put the "Should" list away and go with my flow a little more. It is a hard thing to do-I spent most of my life "Shoulding" my way through each day. I think most of us do. It feels a little uncomfortable not prescribing to my "Shoulds" but then again, I feel a little more calm and satisfied at the end of the day.

I am finishing up my book club pick Cutting for Stone and have really enjoyed this story. I get to indulge in two bookclub meetings this month-the first next week and then I host in later July with this book. Next, I am onto The Girl Who Played with Fire and then The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. Hopefully they are as good as his first book.

I start teaching this week-every Thursday night for the next 8 weeks. I am looking forward to it this time more than before. I used to teach after working an 8 hour day, so I didn't always bring my full self to class. Since I will have more time to prepare and relax before class, I think this will be one of the best classes thus far. After Cycling for Change is over I am hoping to spend more days up in the mountains. I got this great book-John Fielder's Best of Colorado and I want to pick a few places to explore. A few overnights here and there-I want to spend the night in Vail and also in Salida (I hear it is a cute little artsy town). I would love to get to Santa Fe in August so I will see if that comes to fruition. As far as big trips planned, my brother and I are considering New York City in latter September-he would be a fun travel buddy, as well as someone who I can split up with during the day if we have different places we want to go. Otherwise, the rest of the summer will be focused on what makes me feel good and excited about each day. I think that is a challenge I can meet!

Visiting some favorite peeps

I just returned from Oregon where I visited some of my favorite people. I got a chance to spend the day with Stacy and she took me to all sorts of great places in Portland-neat neighborhoods and markets. She and her hubby TJ have a phenomenal veggie garden and we had dinner of fish, fresh kale, cous cous and fresh strawberry shortcake. They have a white fluffy dog named Totem and they spoil her rotten.

I spent a few days in McMinnville with my favorite Frank and MM. Theirs was my most favorite hotel (smile). The minute I walk into their home I feel right at home. I don't know if it is because all the windows show a backyard that looks like a forest and I could drink tea watching a deer graze the grass; or that all the beautiful throw rugs compliment the rest of the house; or that the comfort and love in their home is waiting for me at the front door. Whatever it is the cost per night is priceless and the experience so divine.

Wine country is such lush and lovely country. Amongst the vineyards is one of my favorite places called Red Ridge Farms (http://www.redridgefarms.com) where it is a plant nursery, gift shop, olive oil maker and event destination. The view from this farm is delightful as is everything surrounding it...including all the lavender there!



All in all the trip was relaxing and I enjoyed the vibe of Portland and the calming of looking past the ocean into...nothingness. I was ready, nonetheless, to come home. I saw a dog at Cannon Beach rolling and romping in the sand and while I often lament about the boys I was ready to kiss their sweet mugs. I was ready to stop living out of a suitcase. I was ready to wash my own towels and make eggs and bacon for breakfast. Yes...traveling is a wonderful thing...but so is realizing how much home means to me.

The Butterfly

The butterfly has always had meaning and significance to me. The caterpillar turning into a butterfly may seem like quite a simple metaphor about change; however, the complexity of the process from caterpillar to butterfly is understated. A caterpillar is a hairy little creature that has many legs and antennas and such and it slinks around, trying to find the perfect tree or leaf to attach itself to in order to spin itself into this beautiful, colorful graceful creature. And then, after it becomes this colorful, graceful creature it flits and floats around, enjoying the scents of Butterfly Bushes and Daisies and Roses and lives a short life and dies. I have never seen a butterfly die, like I have when I see a moth with wet wings struggling. I have never seen the remains of a butterfly or even a cocoon for that matter. Butterflies are like enigmas-they show up when they should and disappear when they are ready to. They live in the moment and then-whoosh-they are gone.

My butterfly showed up today.

I came home after a particularly annoying outing with Chester and Stanley. The goal was Nederland at a park by the lake where I could eat my picnic lunch and the dogs could run, sniff and swim. Well...Boulder Canyon was closed to my annoyance after being in the car with Chester whining and Stan looking uber uncomfortable. Coming back, we stopped along Boulder Creek to picnic and walk but the picnic was short and the walk really annoying-Chester would have liked nothing more than to have jumped into the creek. I knew it was time for all of us to get back in the car and come home. So home we came. And I started working on the yard, knowing that I won't touch it for 10 days while I am gone. The house will be well guarded with Uncle Bob and the yard will be watered by my loving neighbor, but I felt it needed that extra love prior to a trip.

I saw her early in the afternoon. She flitted around as I mowed my little back grass patch. I recently had two Butterfly Bushes planted so I thought..."Great! She got the message!"

Well...an hour later she was still around. And she hung out by me. I was sweeping and just doing yard work and this butterfly kept flying around me. Finally she landed on a leaf that was close to me and sat there for several minutes. I got close and started to talk to her. No kidding...she moved around so she would face me as I chatted to myself in the garden. I was, though, talking to her. I told her how much she has always meant to me. I told her how beautiful she was. I then gasped at yet another connection this butterfly made to my life.

"The women."

The women in this sense are the ones Lorrie and I work with every Sunday. Lorrie recently just brought a book for graphic designers about butterflies so we could paint/draw/stamp them. The designs of butterflies in the book are breathtaking; the women who draw them can't believe they are looking at this beauty. However...these women with whom I am with every Sunday are my butterflies. They have relationship issues. Health problems. Financial woes. But the beauty in each and every one of them speaks so loudly that these cocoons or shells of who they were could be shed, easily, for the beauty of something more.

And then I thought...is this butterfly for me? Is it Mike? Is it my own empowering angel helping me to recognize my beauty in order to move forward? She stayed for a while. I hunched down as her wings came together. She sat there as I told her how amazing and wonderful she was. I realized after she flitted away that maybe it was me I was talking to.

Week Two

Don't worry...I am not going to write week by week updates on my time off. I think the first two weeks though are significant because that is what people often get for vacation. I have been feeling just like that...like I have been on vacation and I have to go back to work on Monday. I think the feeling of relaxation will start setting in this next week and as I get ready for my Oregon trip.

This week the landscapers came. Here are pictures from the yard as they were working:





They were done in two days and created this lovely yard:




I am looking forward to the summer where I can sit back there, read, eat breakfast, and enjoy the beauty!

Week One

My first week off has come and gone. It went by very quickly. This was supposed to be the week the landscapers were coming to do the backyard. They had to postpone until next week. This threw me off a bit because this was the week I was supposed to sit around! Now I have to sit around next week to be home while they do the work. Oh well, I have no room to complain!

It turned out to be a rather busy week. I had two Cycling for Change meetings and after both of them a number of action items to complete. I completed a Facebook page, composed an invitation, picked up t-shirts, made phone calls, etc. Although I moaned and groaned about it a bit, it felt good to be productive and working toward something very important. Check out the website to see where the cyclists are now! www.cyclingforchange.org

I did indulge in a scrumptious dinner at Le Central http://www.lecentral.com/ with my dear friend Jeannie. We had a long dinner with an appetizer, main course and dessert. Jeannie is one of those inspiring souls that I can't get enough of! I also took the boys to Chatfield for a long walk, and last night Lorrie and I hit the Santa Fe arts district for the artwalk. She and I gathered many ideas to develop our plan for the art program we are doing. We barely looked at the art; rather, we conceptualized a lot of different ideas and talked at length about our plan.

This week, being at home, I plan to tackle the basement and shed. I am planning to make the shed half gardening shed and half tile mosaic studio. In the basement I plan to clean out a bunch of stuff. My neighbors are having a garage sale next Saturday so I am going to join in-I have a bunch of stuff to sell (so come on by!!). All in all it was a good first week, and while I felt like I was just on vacation, I know that this opportunity this summer will be pretty amazing!

Purpose and Inspiration

I was told today that I inspired someone.

There is one of the cutest families that live down my block. The little girl is about 3 years old and the boy is about 1 years old. The wife works at home part time and cares for the kids; the husband works in the finance industry. He's had it tough for sure with this past year and the struggles his industry has been facing. I told them a few weeks ago that I quit my job to just enjoy life for a while. Today, while walking the dogs, I see him and the family outside. It is around 4:30 in the afternoon. The wife told me that I inspired her husband to just...take time off. So he took the week. No vacation plans, no obligations-a little golf, some family time, and I saw him sipping a glass of wine. He looked relaxed and ready to enjoy his week. I felt on cloud 9 because I am so glad to know that my decision is one that makes people think twice about their own situations. I think, all too often, we get stuck in what we are "supposed" to do, but whatever that means is based on other people's definitions, not necessarily our own. So, to know I inspired at least one person was pretty meaningful today.

I had a good day. I got up around 7am, walked the dogs and then went to the park for my hour walk. I did a little cleaning and prepared lunch for 5 members of the Cycling for Change committee who came over for a meeting. We met for about 4 hours, and I didn't feel constrained by time. I pretty much took the perspective that it took as long as it took. I have a number of action items to complete before our next meeting, but I think we were productive enough. It felt good to do something with a purpose today, and that is probably how my time off will be: a little alone time, a little time with the dogs, some time with friends, and then working on something with a purpose. I am just so excited to see how this summer unfolds!

Starting to say goodbye

Well, today was my last day at the Regis Lowell campus. The rest of the week I will be at the DTC campus. I packed up my books and said my goodbyes. It didn't feel too final-after all, I will be teaching this summer. However, this is the closing of one journey and the beginning of another. I remember when I got the advising job. I had worked so hard at getting the advising job-I even bought a suit for my interviews. I got my own office and a pay raise; Mike sent me flowers my first week for my office. So much has happened in the years I was an advisor at Regis. I got a graduate certificate in adult learning; I started teaching. Mike and I went on great trips. And we faced the biggest challenge of our lives. I think it is appropriate that I am closing this chapter and starting something new. I don't know what it will look like. People keep asking me the first thing I will do when I wake up and don't have to go to work. I don't know yet...I have deliberately not planned much so I can start changing my routine. I do know I like to wake up at 7am. I do know I like to run/walk in the morning. I do know the boys are going to start getting more attention. But other than that...I will start creating my new path as I go. I look forward to writing about this journey.

Coming together

A really cool thing is happening across the United States over the summer. Father Matt Ruhl, a Jesuit priest from Kansas City, will be cycling across the United States to bring awareness to issues of poverty. Catholic Charities will be the recipients of funds being raised in Colorado, as well as the Samaritan House in Denver and the Stout Street Clinic.

My friend Mary is the head of the volunteer committee and I have been to two meetings. At first I was going to just be a volunteer one day, but I found myelf offering my time to help coordinate a pancake breakfast and a wine and cheese reception. I am really excited about this opportunity to be a part of something really cool and big! Now that I will have time on my hands this is definitely something I want to spend my time doing. I will be creating a Cycling for Change (C4C) Denver Facebook page and will post that link soon. If you want more information about his journey, visit www.cyclingforchange.org.

There will be about 15 cyclists in the group that will cycle across the US, and others are invited to join the cylclists for various parts of the route. They will be coming through Denver July 6th and 7th and the committee is planning a talk by Father Ruhl, a wine and cheese reception and a pancake breakfast at the Samaritan House. It will be a great two days and our hope is to bring long term awareness of poverty.

This fits nicely with what Lorrie and I are doing with the homeless women. We may make some connections from this as well. So, stay tuned as this comes together!

All is quiet...

I realized it has been 10 days since I posted. I don't have much new of anything to really blog about. I am on the 2 week countdown to my last day at work. I ran a 5K on Saturday. I enjoyed a lovely cup of chai tea with a friend at the Market on Sunday morning. I read. I watched a few episodes of My So Called Life, a blast from the high school past. Nothing too exciting is going on. I think I am waiting for all the exciting stuff to happen after May 28th. I feel like life will begin. I know, I know...life is occurring now. But I am anticipating my first day where I don't have to be at work or be anywhere for that matter. It is beginning to feel surreal. I want to make sure I soak up each day, drink each day up, and don't let one day go by un-noticed or un-appreciated.

So I patiently wait...

Fillin my life with some cool stuff

This morning I reflected on the cool stuff that I have been indulging in lately. Last night, Meg, Amy and I heard music by this small Baroque music ensemble called the Baroque Chamber Orchestra. They played Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It was lovely! All three of us loved the main violinist-she was so expressive in her playing. Being a smaller and more intimate classical ensemble, the concert was low key and very enjoyable.

Tonight I am celebrating my new freedom at the First Friday art walk on Tennyson Street with some friends, mainly people from Regis. Many of us have a friend in common who is showing in a photography exhibit, so there is about 20 people who are going to meet up and walk the galleries. I think it is a unique way to celebrate with friends all the while enjoying art and hopefully a glass of wine.

I am reading the book The Sparrow for book club and it is a unique read. I didn't think I would like it at first because it has an element of futuristic-sci fi kinda stuff; but so far I have really been enjoying it. And, our hostess will be making homemade tamales so that is something to look forward to!

I am having another painting done for above my mantle by my artist friend Kevin. I am giving him Mike's table saw and he is going to paint for me. This time the scene is from the trip Mike and I took to Carmel, California from San Francisco. I loved Carmel and just spending time in that little town was heavenly. This is the photo he will paint:



Finally, my friend Lorrie and I have been trying to figure out how to get funding for our art group each Sunday. We are meeting weekly to discuss where we think this can go, and what we think it might look like. My assignment is to come up with a personal vision for myself. I only have words so far..."authentic" "creative" "enjoy the moment" "be my best self" etc. Lorrie also gave me a book called Writing as a Way of Healing and so I will be diving into that read soon.

Things are good...and knowing that at the end of the month I will start having my time back to myself gives me hope that I will continue to fill my life with lots and lots of cool things.

Short Timer's Syndrome

I swore I wouldn't be affected. "Oh, it is no problem to give a month's notice because I know how short staffed we are." Of course, now, with 25 days to go, I am eating my words. Classes start next week so from when I got to work until when I left I was bombarded with "emergencies". No, not the kind that involve blood or anything..."my class was cancelled-now what do I do?" "When am I graduating?" "When can we meet to discuss my degree plan?" At one point in time, I enjoyed this, but that was about 250 fewer students ago. Sitting at 650 students to advise, I want a claim ticket device by my desk/phone/email to say "Take a number." The students don't yet know I am leaving...I am really hoping that we will have hired someone so that I can do the handoff by the 28th. Regis, though, is notorious for taking a long time in hiring people. Hopefully there will be a sense of urgency in filling my position.

It has been interesting how people react to why I am leaving. I am not going to a a new company or school. I am not going back to school (not yet, anyway). I am just taking some time off. There are two kinds of people who react to this news: The first are the supporters. They know what I have been through and truly support me in my decision. The second are the jealous ones. The ones who wish they could take time off. Those I hate to remind that I am taking the time off because my husband died. If Mike were still around, I wouldn't be doing this necessarily. Maybe I would be feeling restless to do something else, but I doubt I would be taking time off. We would be, however, taking lots and lots of fabulous vacations.

So, I endure the next month. I meet with students. I get to work on time. I care. Because, in 25 days, I will be waking up to a different and very promising reality.

Transport me to another place

Liz and I had no idea that when we planned our trip to San Antonio we would be leaving dreary April weather for sunny, warm and humid bliss. We went over the weekend and had a great time. I chose some pictures that captures not only the funky aspects of the city but also what the gorgeous weather has produced.

I gave my notice on Thursday of last week and I feel on top of the world! I thought I would eat my words or something; suddenly regretting that I gave notice the minute it came out of my mouth. Not so. I have been so very happy, dreaming of all the things I am going to do this summer. I don't think I will regret this decision at all. My last day will be May 28th to give them plenty of time to find a new advisor and train that person.

One thing I am looking forward to this summer is traveling. I am not going anyplace too far or too long so I can fit in a few little trips here and there. The one I am looking most forward to is to Oregon. I am going to stay in Portland and see Stacy and TJ, and then rent a car to go to McMinnville and see F & MM-two of my most favorite people. From there, I am going to drive the Oregon coast and stay in little B&Bs along the way. I just can't wait. It is the perfect combo of traveling alone, which I enjoy, and seeing people, which I also enjoy. It is going to definitely be a summer that will bring that much needed balance to my life.

Togie

I just had the most splendid weekend. I was in the mood for some quiet, R & R and self-pampering. I had enjoyed the hot springs lodge and spa in Saratoga and after determining it was going to be a good weekend weather wise made reservations. "Togie" as the locals call it takes a bit to get to in the winter season-after Memorial weekend the scenic highway opens up which shaves about an hour off the drive. The dogs and I needed a break from one another, so I happily, and they excitedly, entered the kennel where I know they have gotten much love and needed exercise. Yesterday I got in around 3pm, took a soak in the hot springs and then had an herbal body wrap. I was wrapped in a cocoon of sheets and towels soaked in herbs for detoxification for about 45 minutes. A heater was on in the room, so I laid peacefully and sweat out toxins and just breathed in the relaxation. I didn't fall asleep but rather into a meditative state, which was lovely. After the wrap, I took a shower and took a walk. This is the north Platte river and pictures of a sad attempt at a self portrait. I ate dinner at the lodge-a delightful meal of mushroom chorizo and a sweet potato soup. I soaked again in the hot springs and read...and read...and read...and finally went to sleep.

Today I got up, took a nice jog around the river and the town, soaked in the springs again, ate breakfast, and took a scenic drive up as far as I could on Hwy 130 (This is the highway closed at a certain point until Memorial weekend). Locals talked about the wild horses along that road, and I found them! They are so beautiful with long manes and tails. I then hit the highway home, stopping in Fort Collins for a late lunch with an old friend. The dogs are at the kennel until tomorrow, so the plan is to curl up in bed, read some more, and go to bed early, reveling in waking up without the stomp of Chester's paws demanding breakfast.