One Year

Dear Mike,
I have been awaiting this day all month long, with anxiety and trepidation, as well as a little relief. The one year mark symbolizes so much that it is hard to put into words because all the symbols are often opposite of each other. For example, it symbolizes making it through a really tough year, but at the same time I can picture every place I was during this week last year. I wanted to commemorate your one year with a little trip to Estes Park where me and the boys can be in a cabin thinking about you and our life together. You intervened though, not wanting me to be alone, but rather to bring my friend Lorrie who herself was in need of some R and R. Lorrie and I enjoyed our time together-talking, cooking, walking, laughing. I felt at ease; I didn't need to entertain her-rather, she listened as I told stories about you and we looked through the wedding album Alyson made. She is an artist so storytelling to her is meaningful and she let me do it with ease and comfort.

I had a lovely meeting with your family and mine at the cemetery today. There were flowers already at your grave and no one knows who brought them, which brings such a smile to my face. We said words about you, and stood celebrating your spirit together. You made quite an impact on those in your life, whether you knew it or not. Often, I truly don't think you knew it.
I got a lovely email from Joni today about memories of you. I heard from Julie and Dave as well, remembering you especially at this time. I got to feel that love once again-that love I felt last year when people I didn't even know came forward to tell me what you meant to them.

Mikey, I miss you...but...the sadness isn't as raw as it used to be. The beauty of the one year mark is that the pain doesn't go away, but it all takes a different form. I like to think that you are working wonders from wherever you are right now. It doesn't go un-noticed...how Pam and Peter will wed this spring; how Lorrie has been offered a place to stay; how I feel at peace. I know you have been hard at work coordinating all sorts of things, and my job is to keep my heart open to see that. Isn't that the beauty of being alive? I now think of you with a smile. Many of the memories of you and I bring out a giggle or downright laughter. I feel a chill when I reflect on how you were my husband. What I lucky girl I am and was.

I love you.

Me