I took Chester and Stanley to Mike’s grave on Christmas Eve. They had only been there once and I thought it prudent that they wish their “papas” a Merry Christmas-his very favorite holiday. We got out of the car and wandered to Mike’s grave, the boys sniffing all around at new smells. I wished Mike a Merry Christmas and said all the things I usually say when I visit his grave-that I love and miss him, but that I am doing okay. As I looked at his headstone I had a new realization: I am going into year 2 without him. 2009 seems so far away.
2010 was one strange year. It was the first year without Mike. I went through all the first anniversaries of this and that. I quit my good paying and steady job so I could decompress. I travelled. I visited spas and had massages. I ate a lot and drank too much. I made new friends and severed relationships that didn’t feed my soul. I found my creative self. I spent time with amazing homeless men and women. I had regrets and wished Mike could come back so I could do it all over again, this time better. I wondered what Mike thinks of me now up on his perch in the afterlife.
I know “they” say that Aquarians shouldn’t spend too much time alone. But 2011 beckons me to a quieter place; after realizing almost 2 years will pass without Mike I know that 2011 really is going to be my year. I can’t bring him back. And, anyway, I make myself miserable when I think of what we could have done differently to prolong his life, or how I could have been a better wife. All that has passed and now, it is left to me, to face 2011 solo. And I think it will be a pretty good year.
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