Reflection

Lately, I have been experiencing random fits of grief and even some mourning. As someone who has delved into the grief world pretty extensively, I know this is normal regardless of how much time goes by. I also know that seasons and various anniversaries/memories can trigger a grief response.

I haven't written much lately, since Rene came into my life, about my life. She has taken center stage, something I desperately needed. While I don't mind being alone, there is something special about having another…person, animal, plant, fish...to care for on a daily basis. I find that when I spend too much time in my own head, I can over-intellectualize everything and forget the more joyful and spontaneous parts of life. Rene has helped me take that part back, with our impromptu trips to parks, Petsmart, or just a long drive. Last weekend we went to Barr Lake State Park and she experienced horses for the first time. Her first time experiences help me also experience the joyful wonder that comes with experiencing new things.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is this time last year, being on the Western Slope at the start at what was a beautiful summer. Spending the summer on that side of the mountain was really, very special, and lately I realized that I do miss aspects of the lifestyle. I miss many of my hospice patients. I remember the days of driving along Hwy 133 through Paonia or into Crawford, at the start of summer when the colors played on the hills and trees and the river beds were rushing and everyone was anticipating the local farm stands opening soon. When the weather was nice, some of my visits would be on front porches. I miss the time I had to myself, driving to Ridgway or Ouray or the Black Canyon. I remember one walk especially near my little country house, where the light played on the irrigation ditch and the pastures were green, the Cimarrons in full view with a little bit of snow still on the tops. I miss my night sky, when I would turn off all the lights and just gaze out at the shining stars and be dazzled by the Milky Way floating above. I have revisited my old blog a few times http://melcitygirlwestern.blogspot.com and this has brought me some joy and some sadness.

Two years ago I was just getting ready to graduate. I hadn't yet been offered the job at HopeWest and I hadn't yet sold my house and moved me and the boys 6 hours away, but that memory is quickly approaching. Living in Grand Junction for a time, getting to know everything new over there, and starting my job in Delta/Montrose…all of it held excitement, nervousness, some disappointment, some anxiety, and a sense of wonder. This time last year, Robert had just visited for the Memorial Weekend and I got to show him my new town. I was gearing up for a summer of balance, having gone to part-time to save my sanity and assist in my self-care. Little did I know my life would change last summer, with the death of Ches and Stan and my final decision to move home. So, the memories come bittersweet, which is how life rolls-the good with the bad, the positive and the shadow sides.

Right now, I am easing into contentment. I love my condo and the Lowry neighborhood; I enjoy my job most days, I get to volunteer at Agape doing the grief support I love to do. I have my girl by my side, my friends and family near, and more adventures on the horizon. And while grief and mourning can have their grip from time to time, it isn't so tight to make me forget how blessed I am living the life that I do. I think now is a time to make new memories, and to settle into the comforts of this life, so that this time next year I can say, "Remember how wonderful last summer was?" It includes acknowledging that indeed, life can be a trial, but the other, better side of life is joyful discovery. Here is to a summer of that!

Antics

1) This morning, about 6:30, Rene woke me up to go potty. I was really groggy but did so obligingly, but not at my best to socialize with various neighbors and dogs who were out also. We said a quick hello, but Rene had her spurt of energy and wanted more. She reluctantly came inside. I gave her her breakfast before heading back to the snooze button. She subsequently moved her dishes around, spilled her water, and refused to eat in protest that I wouldn't let her play with her friends.

2) I have written before about Rene growling at me. Tonight, we were sharing the couch. I got up to get something from the kitchen and returned. I sat down again, having to move a part of her that was laying on my side of the couch. I heard a slight "Growl" but then the "Growl" turned into two yawns. I think she was feeling too lazy to full on growl at me, get down from the couch, wait, and then invited back up.

Someone is learning the art of manipulation! I won't let her know I am onto her, just because it is so much fun to watch her come out of her shell.

Dear World

Hello! My name is Rene. I am a retired Greyhound and I have a message I would like to share.

Please don't take it personally if I don't warm up to you. Don't feel as if it is an affront on your character that I choose not to say hello.

You see, I am what some call an introvert, others call shy, and sometimes even skittish, though (unless my mama, Melanie, says it offhandedly) I find that word quite offensive. I don't come from the same lineage as a Labrador Retriever, a Burmese Mountain Dog, a Golden Retriever, or any of those happy-go-lucky sorts. I was brought into this world to chase something for sport and when my time with chasing was done I was taken into a world of being a pet, and this world I know nothing of.

I have never had a Grandma or Grandpa; even a mama…I still wonder if Melanie is my "mama" or just "Melanie." I have always been self-contained so don't do too well when people try to throw themselves at my affection. It takes a lot for me to want to be comfortable with you…I have to trust you won't let anything happen to me and trust takes time, exposure, and experience.

Melanie…"Mama"…is sweet. She wants to acclimate me to everything new. "Something new and different every day," she says. And I oblige. I went to the Farmer's Market the other day…wow! Too many noises and people approaching me all at once…I didn't love it but maybe over time I will. The past two days a noisy man with a noisy machine was in our building cleaning the rugs…he wanted to say hello to me over and over and his loud voice and loud machine was really too much (and would be, for you, too. I promise!).

World, I ask that you give me my space and time to just be me, not force me into anything but let me discover it all for myself. It really isn't about you…it is about me becoming comfortable in this new world. Let's figure…I raced since I was probably one year old…now I am almost three…so maybe it will take a year or more for me to trust my new surroundings. My mama (Melanie) says that I am a sweetie, so I think you can expect that from me at some point. Just on my terms, okay? Once you have my love and affection, I promise, unless you do something...something drastically horrible...you will always have it. I just need time to get there. Please give me that time and space.

Love, yours truly,

Rene (Jax Running Rene, aka Rene McClanahan)

Assume makes...

Mikey always said, "Assume makes an ass out of you and me."

And it does. Literally and figuratively.

I like my job but one thing that could improve is the amount of assumption the staff places on everyone knowing things. More than once, I hear from staff members, "Well, I assumed that…", "Doesn't everybody know…?" "We always do it this way."

What occurred to me today was a profound idea…that people assume because no one really knows. And by assuming one totally and completely foregoes any sort of accountability. " "Well, I assumed you knew…didn't anyone tell you?"  "Weren't you trained? If you were trained, you would know that." And then the assumptions go into the abyss because no one is held accountable and no one really thinks twice about the effect lack of accountability has on the long-term effectiveness of the team.

One co-worker said to me today, "Sometimes I just assume people know what I know, but then when I realize that they don't I have no idea where to begin to train that person."

So, let's stop assuming. Let's stop assuming that people are as educated, knowledgeable, common sensical as you are. Let's cultivate "beginner's mind" or "a sense of wonder" and find out, really, where people are coming from. Only then can we transform communication, enhance relationship building and actually be effective at what we spend our precious time in this world doing.

Coming into her own

I had no idea about a month ago that my timid, shy, somewhat skittish girl would start becoming a playful, hilarious, and puppy-like little ham! I rarely have the camera ready to take some video of her random spurts of playfulness. I was ready for a few today! And I would like to point out a small, but meaningful detail…Rene's tail is wagging! It has pretty much lived in the state of curled under since I got her, but now her confidence is building and so has her tail moved from curled under to standing up!

She has a few "stuffies" I call them and she will "go get em" at random times

I got some "pink camo" fleece to make her a coat and a blanket, which she likes to carry around from room to room

After a walk in the rain, she loves to dry off with my bedspread

She loves looking outside to see what friends are out there or what bunnies she can dream about chasing

Like Rene, I am coming into my own, too! I am finally settled into my new job. I like working part-time, even though I have to be more careful about how I spend my money. I love my mornings-Rene and I go somewhere every day together, whether it be a park, to Petsmart, or maybe to Grandpa and Grandma's to explore the yard. I still volunteer at the hospice on Tuesdays, and love the supportive and caring environment I find every time I go…I even got to bring Rene last week! My social life is pretty quiet these days…evenings I try to get home right after work to take care of my girl, and weekends leave me enjoying the laziness of it all. I am sure once this rainy weather is over, Rene and I will have lots of interesting adventures to write about this summer! She has a very energetic spirit. We go to the park right by the condo, and she walks in the tall grass and pops out like some explorer who just found something awesome. And the condo…I just love it! It has been such a perfect place for me to settle into a happy homebody. I am now just waiting to feel like we are over the cold spell before planting some container gardens on my balcony. Rene and I were definitely meant to be together, enhancing each other's lives in ways we didn't know were possible. Thank you, Universe!

Thank you Tom Brokaw

Not since Mike introduced me to Leroy Sievers, a journalist, and his public cancer journey have I been really moved by another public figure's personal struggle and journey with cancer. I don't typically watch TV for the sake of watching, but stumbled upon Tom Brokaw's story on Dateline NBC tonight about his life after being diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer that affects the bones and plasma.

Tom Brokaw Dateline NBC

What was most poignant about this story was that he was the one interviewing his family, his doctors, his oncology nurses, his colleagues, as well as telling the story of his journey with pain, treatment, setbacks, and inspirational moments. That approach made the story really hit home, and I thank Mr. Brokaw for being vulnerable enough to share his journey so others may learn from it and be inspired to really appreciate each day as it comes.

Rene's Big Day Out

Saturday was the Friends of Retired Greyhounds walk at a really nice, big park in Thornton. It was a fundraising walk, as well as an opportunity for people in the FORG circle, and those wanting to adopt a Grey, to get together. When we got out of the car, Rene sensed this day was for her. She was so excited to see what was ahead…the pavilion with all the people and especially the dogs, most of whom looked like her. In what would have been an all out anxiety fest if we were to have done this a month ago, my girl couldn't wait to see friends, new and old. She saw one Grey with whom she was in the cell dog program. That Grey's owner told me it was between his dog and Rene, and he chose his. I told him too bad for him! That Rene is awesome and he agreed she has come a long way since her days fresh off the track.

The walk was two laps around a lake. We were at the beginning of the line. As we fell back to walk with our new friend Barbara and her Grey Ellie, Rene started to jump, and pull, and hop because she was probably wondering why we didn't stay at the front of the line! She was hilarious, and had so much energy. We probably could have run the entire race!

When the race was over, Rene headed straight into one of the baby pools filled with water. She walked right in, took a few sips, and then plopped right down. Wait…Grey's aren't water dogs!

We met Amanda, and Lee, both FORG leadership that have been really supportive of me and Rene. We saw our mentor Lisa, and visited with new friends, such as Barbara and Ellie. Funny story about them…On our first Petsmart trip, we met Barbara who was going to be adopting a new dog through a different adoption program. We talked, and I told her about Rene, and FORG, and the foster/adoption process…lo and behold, Barbara ended up with Ellie that week, a beautiful white Greyhound whose original racing name was Angel Fire.

Ellie (AKA Angel Fire…In the purple scarf)

Rene let people pet her, she went up to dogs, she wasn't scared of random noises or getting caught in a tangle of leashes!

As thing were winding down, she let me know she wanted to come home and snooze on her beloved couch. We did, and she rested up all afternoon and evening. She was one happy girl at the end of her day for sure, and I am really looking forward to other FORG events for both of us to meet new friends and just have a good, happy time!