Reflection

Lately, I have been experiencing random fits of grief and even some mourning. As someone who has delved into the grief world pretty extensively, I know this is normal regardless of how much time goes by. I also know that seasons and various anniversaries/memories can trigger a grief response.

I haven't written much lately, since Rene came into my life, about my life. She has taken center stage, something I desperately needed. While I don't mind being alone, there is something special about having another…person, animal, plant, fish...to care for on a daily basis. I find that when I spend too much time in my own head, I can over-intellectualize everything and forget the more joyful and spontaneous parts of life. Rene has helped me take that part back, with our impromptu trips to parks, Petsmart, or just a long drive. Last weekend we went to Barr Lake State Park and she experienced horses for the first time. Her first time experiences help me also experience the joyful wonder that comes with experiencing new things.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is this time last year, being on the Western Slope at the start at what was a beautiful summer. Spending the summer on that side of the mountain was really, very special, and lately I realized that I do miss aspects of the lifestyle. I miss many of my hospice patients. I remember the days of driving along Hwy 133 through Paonia or into Crawford, at the start of summer when the colors played on the hills and trees and the river beds were rushing and everyone was anticipating the local farm stands opening soon. When the weather was nice, some of my visits would be on front porches. I miss the time I had to myself, driving to Ridgway or Ouray or the Black Canyon. I remember one walk especially near my little country house, where the light played on the irrigation ditch and the pastures were green, the Cimarrons in full view with a little bit of snow still on the tops. I miss my night sky, when I would turn off all the lights and just gaze out at the shining stars and be dazzled by the Milky Way floating above. I have revisited my old blog a few times http://melcitygirlwestern.blogspot.com and this has brought me some joy and some sadness.

Two years ago I was just getting ready to graduate. I hadn't yet been offered the job at HopeWest and I hadn't yet sold my house and moved me and the boys 6 hours away, but that memory is quickly approaching. Living in Grand Junction for a time, getting to know everything new over there, and starting my job in Delta/Montrose…all of it held excitement, nervousness, some disappointment, some anxiety, and a sense of wonder. This time last year, Robert had just visited for the Memorial Weekend and I got to show him my new town. I was gearing up for a summer of balance, having gone to part-time to save my sanity and assist in my self-care. Little did I know my life would change last summer, with the death of Ches and Stan and my final decision to move home. So, the memories come bittersweet, which is how life rolls-the good with the bad, the positive and the shadow sides.

Right now, I am easing into contentment. I love my condo and the Lowry neighborhood; I enjoy my job most days, I get to volunteer at Agape doing the grief support I love to do. I have my girl by my side, my friends and family near, and more adventures on the horizon. And while grief and mourning can have their grip from time to time, it isn't so tight to make me forget how blessed I am living the life that I do. I think now is a time to make new memories, and to settle into the comforts of this life, so that this time next year I can say, "Remember how wonderful last summer was?" It includes acknowledging that indeed, life can be a trial, but the other, better side of life is joyful discovery. Here is to a summer of that!