Diggin' out the memories

I don't know if I have ever blogged about the loathsome crawlspace in my basement, but in that space was a box I knew one day I would pull out to go through. The box is labelled "recent memories" although the photos and memorabilia aren't that recent. I crawled into bed to read this afternoon, but something told me it was time to open up that box. I then crawled into the space (literally) and dug out the box. I turned on the radio and poured myself a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio (yes, please note I am drinking in the afternoon...really, I needed that drink. I promise). Inside the box there were albums from elementary and high school; my wedding; my life with Mike; my life with Chester and Stan.

Poor Meg. She got two messages today. The first was about a short story she wrote in college that I still have. The second was about a poem I wrote in high school about us. I wish she were digging through the memorabilia with me. Maybe I will have her over to do so...with another glass of Pinot Grigio.

What really struck me were the pictures of Mike and me. We looked so young and we looked uber-happy. Now my smile sometimes seems contrived in pictures; then, when I was with Mike the sheer joy of life was painted on my face. It isn't that I am not happy now...I just feel like happiness now means different things than happiness meant back then. Mike and I were in pure love. I have cards and letters he wrote me from Greenland and Antarctica that show this love. I feel like we lived in this world of "us against them" and we conquered all. Happiness now is different. I am beginning to see what it might be like. Looking at pictures today made me realize that was then; this is now. A new chapter is unfolding, whatever that might be. It might not look as pretty and well coordinated as my life with Mike was. But a new chapter has to be created or the book will go nowhere. And we all hate reading books that bore us or have no great ending (or beginning to the next sequel).

I thought the emotions I would have looking through the memories would overcome me; rather, they actually solidified where I am right now. Mike has inhabited a space in my heart no one else can have. Now, when I go to the cemetery, he and I have heart to hearts (the poor lone walking man in that area of the cemetery can attest to that) but I don't feel Mike gone from me...rather, I feel him inside, keeping my heart beating and my blood flowing and my mind alert. Although I knew I had to go through those memories, and I thought that would be a hard thing to do, in actuality it revived me. Perhaps now I am older, wiser, and have had life experiences many 34 year olds have not....however, all it makes me be is as real as I was when I was 18, or 21 or 25. Life makes us real. It has made me understand that more now than ever before.

Chatfield, reinstated

About a month ago I took C & S to Chatfield and 15 minutes into the excursion we had to go home early. Yes, friends, I am the annoying person at a dog park, yelling at my dogs to behave and listen. This day in particular I probably could have walked around the whole dog training area without Chester and Stan noticing I was gone. They immersed themselves in grass, dead birds, and anything unsavory and would not listen to my pleas, "Ches and Stan, Come!" So, I made them swim one more time to get off any dead bird grime and get into the truck.

Since then, all the outings have been on leash. Walks, the cabin, and our trip to Evergreen lake the other day...all on leash. And it is painful! Chester will try to pull me into any body of water he sees; I feel like I am attaching my arms to wild horses when I walk them for some sort of slow torture. This morning, I thought I would try going to Chatfield again. And the boys did not disappoint. They ran alongside me when they wanted to, lagged behind a little when there was something to smell, but by no means was I yelling and screaming for them; nor did they discover anything nasty to play with. All in all, we had a good day and the best part about it is that they are getting so old this type of activity can last at least another day. That makes me very happy and them very tired.

Dont'cha love...

...the kind of friendship that can withstand some popular culture fodder?

I spent 3 hours with my bestie - name not mentioned for her protection
: ) - watching The Bachelorette related TV shows tonight. We talked through the commercials during the tell-all episode, and became quiet when the show came back on. We even stomached the 20/20 "Behind the Rose" special and counted how many couples from The Bachelor/Bachelorette have stayed together (not many...maybe 1?). I don't really think that the most compelling aspect of the night was the men bearing their souls about why they chose to be on this show. I think the most compelling aspect was the basic need for connection and friendship with or without a TV show.

My bestie was the one, 6 or 7 years ago, who would call me while we both watched one of the first episodes of The Bachelor while Mike was deployed to Antarctica. I have a vivid memory of sitting on my bed, phone in hand, TV on (when we had a TV in the bedroom), analyzing whether or not The Bachelor at the time made the right choice. Weekly this ritual would occur and for me it wasn't just the enjoyment of trash TV...it was the connection with my friend that was so profound.

Life got in the way. Marriages developed; Kids were born; Other TV shows were watched; Terminal illness was faced; Death sat at our dinner tables. So...when I was asked by numerous people this year (my bestie included) if I was watching The Bachelorette, I said no, but I will. Not because I care if Ali chooses the guy of her dreams, but because there is something so important in the connection with another person that even a simple popular culture TV show brings. And that is all I really care about.

Estes Park overnight

I discovered the YMCA camp in Estes Park a few weeks ago with Susan. I made reservations for a 2 bedroom cabin for last night because I learned the cabins would take dogs, and Ches and Stan were in need of an outing. I asked Mom to go with me, and we had a great time. Yesterday we drove into Estes and had a picnic by the river. We discovered the Riverwalk that goes along the river and along some shops and restaurants. We also walked a little bit downtown while I sipped on a cherry Coke, a treat while walking along the downtown area. We got to the YMCA camp and checked in a little early. We drove to our cabin-Robin's Nest-and to our delight it was a wonderful cabin, on a hill with a wraparound porch. Views from both sides were stunning and it was remote enough to feel relaxation. Chester and Stanley didn't know what to think. Stan spent most of the time in the cabin pacing around because he didn't know what to make of it. Chester found a spot under a side table and laid down. Mom and I relaxed and I took a short nap. We went for a little walk and ate dinner-a lovely picnic of macaroni and tuna salad, green salad and corn bread. We sat outside and enjoyed the view. After dinner we took a drive to the main lodge area, walked around and came back to the cabin. I called it an early night and fell asleep after reading for a bit. Today we got up, ate breakfast and went into Boulder. We wandered around Pearl Street Mall until we found out Chester and Stan were illegal on the mall. We walked to the Dushambe tea house and decided to make that a destination someday. The farmer's market was going on, so the crowd was hard to navigate with the boys. Now we are all home, comfy and relaxed, but before the summer is over I am going back with the boys to the same cabin. It was delightful.

There were a few highlights besides the cabin and views. Mom and I saw a beautiful bluebird three times. Two of the times it sat right in front of us on a wire. It was an electric blue when it would fly. We also saw a bunch of hummingbirds, one who flew right by us was a lovely red color. The sunset was also spectacular. It was light pink, grey and blue with a full moon; over RMNP the sky was a light blue. It is so refreshing to be away from the familiar in order to notice these little details of beauty.

All things yoga

Wow! It has been about two weeks since I have written. That seems to feel way too long, but then again, the point of writing is to write when I feel like it, not to force myself. So much has been going on. My friend Aimee said to me today, "My, you are so busy!" All I need is a paycheck for my busyness.

First things first-I have started practicing yoga. I go every Monday and Wednesday from 8:30-9:45am at the Wash Park rec center. The teacher is calming and the poses aren't anything to cry over, thankfully, although I do find myself "modifying" from time to time. My friend Aimee goes with me and every time we leave I say, "Wow, this is the life! I just can't think about going back to work." I have heard many people say that yoga has changed their lives. Maybe it is the feeling of empowerment of mastering a pose or maybe it is the breathing and quiet meditation. Whatever it is, I am looking forward at least to better balance and more strength and flexibility.

I spent the weekend with Susan and her two kids at the Estes Park YMCA camp. I took care of the 2 year old-Alex-while she went to a conference with the 3 month old strapped to her. Alex gave me a run for my money, and if I lost 10 pounds by running after him I think I gained it back...from dinner last night with my high school math teacher and his family. I nannied for Max when he was a baby and he is now 16 years old! Yikes! He is a delightful kid-very wise and philosophical. He and I sat on the front porch and talked religion and life for a while. It was so good to reconnect. I took my little Max to see Toy Story 3 and it was the best of the 3 Toy Stories I think. I just love hanging out with him-he and I talk and have fun together. Today I got to reconnect with two more friends who I haven't seen in a while. It felt like high school-sitting at Einsteins and just chatting away. We used to sit at Village Inn drinking coffee until all hours of the night back in the day. It was fun to feel that energy again.

All in all...yes I am busy. I am loving it though because it is busy on my time. I get to do enjoyable things rather than sit in front of a computer all day. I know, the time will come when I have to get a job but until then, I am enjoying every single minute.

The Events

The Cycling for Change riding team has come and gone. So have the events. I must say, I am proud of how the wine and cheese reception turned out. 150 people came, and I think we raised over $1,000 from that event alone, which is good considering some of the people have been involved from the beginning. The memorable event was the pancake breakfast today. It was at the Samaritan House homeless shelter downtown. You know when things just jive? When "spirit" or "flow" takes over and everyone and everything comes together seamlessly? Everything from chair delivery to serving over 600 pancake breakfasts to fellowship and goodwill...it all happened today. The most memorable moment came in the form of music. There was a local musician volunteering her time and talent during the breakfast. As the performance went on, the homeless guests started to sing along. At first it started with a person maybe singing a line or two of a song. Before I knew it, some guy busted out an electric guitar and another guy started singing "Born to be Wild" and the jam and tunes were in sync perfectly. At 11am the cyclists lined up and rode out on their next leg to Castle Rock. It was truly and inspirational, humbling, and great feeling kind of day. It got me really thinking about how being in community energizes me. Something to ponder as I think about my future.

Just a bit of an update

My involvement in the Cycling for Change initiative is coming to a slow end. The two events are going to be this week that we have been planning-a wine and cheese fundraiser and a pancake breakfast. Once these are over, my commitment to the initiative will be to continue working with Lorrie on the "change through creativity" program with the homeless women. I missed them for the past two weeks when I was out of town-I just love my Sunday mornings, chit chatting while painting, gluing, stamping, cutting and whatever else Lorrie has us do each week. I will look forward to this tomorrow for sure.

I have been a bit under the weather lately with feeling a bit blah and having an upset stomach. I ate at Beatrice and Woodsley for the first time Thursday night, and I am wondering if those rich pork bellies or another of the many appetizers we indulged in are the culprit. I really liked it there-the atmosphere was interesting and the service staff really nice and pleasant. Because I have been under the weather, I have been forced these past few days to sit, rest, read, and not get to my "Should" list. I am learning in general to put the "Should" list away and go with my flow a little more. It is a hard thing to do-I spent most of my life "Shoulding" my way through each day. I think most of us do. It feels a little uncomfortable not prescribing to my "Shoulds" but then again, I feel a little more calm and satisfied at the end of the day.

I am finishing up my book club pick Cutting for Stone and have really enjoyed this story. I get to indulge in two bookclub meetings this month-the first next week and then I host in later July with this book. Next, I am onto The Girl Who Played with Fire and then The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. Hopefully they are as good as his first book.

I start teaching this week-every Thursday night for the next 8 weeks. I am looking forward to it this time more than before. I used to teach after working an 8 hour day, so I didn't always bring my full self to class. Since I will have more time to prepare and relax before class, I think this will be one of the best classes thus far. After Cycling for Change is over I am hoping to spend more days up in the mountains. I got this great book-John Fielder's Best of Colorado and I want to pick a few places to explore. A few overnights here and there-I want to spend the night in Vail and also in Salida (I hear it is a cute little artsy town). I would love to get to Santa Fe in August so I will see if that comes to fruition. As far as big trips planned, my brother and I are considering New York City in latter September-he would be a fun travel buddy, as well as someone who I can split up with during the day if we have different places we want to go. Otherwise, the rest of the summer will be focused on what makes me feel good and excited about each day. I think that is a challenge I can meet!