Decisions, Decisions

My classes in social work school taught me the importance of validation. When I work with clients, it is imperative that I say, "It makes sense you feel this way" or "Wow, that must be a tough thing to go through" and "I know so many people who are facing the exact situation and feel frustrated, too". Validation helps people feel less isolated and feel like they can tackle what comes next.

My validation happened today, but it was a little different. It was more validation that my decision to move in pursuit of a job is the right decision. I took a "Licensure Exam Prep Course" through DU last night and today which is a workshop designed to help MSW's looking to be licensed understand the licensure test, the kinds of questions asked, and test taking strategies. Friday night we met and when I walked into the room I saw a number of faces that were familiar because we went to school together. All in all, there were about 25 or so people taking the workshop. At the beginning of the night we went around introducing ourselves and the kind of social work we did. 60% of the people there said they were unemployed and looking, and this 60% included every single one of my classmates. Well, one exception was a gal who just took an as-needed medical social worker job at a local hospital. We had a few classes together. She is married and her husband has been living and working in San Francisco for the past two years while she completed the degree, and he is tentatively moving to Denver now based on this PRN position she has accepted. Now that is faith!

My validation happened a bit selfishly in that I didn't have in common with my classmates lack of employment, but that I actually had a job. And though this job will take me to another part of the state, and I have to sell my house and uproot the boys and leave my friends and family, it is a job. And a really, really good one at that, doing work that I really want to do (at least that is what I am anticipating it to be).

I know my classmates will find work. Each one are amazing, insightful, empathetic people that the right job is waiting in the wings. I have faith that my MSW friends will find a place for themselves in the social work world, even if it means deferring student loans yet again to pursue a Phd in social work. Who knows where each one will end up, but they will end up somewhere.

I feel so grateful that the universe and I worked together in making this happen for me. I talked with a classmate who had interviewed for my same job on the same day I interviewed; he said he is a firm believer that things work out the way they are supposed to. And I must say...I agree.

Chugging along

Things are finally moving forward! The home inspection is tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed, everyone, that I haven't been living in a ticking time-bomb or anything like that! Just kidding, the home has pretty good bones I think. If there are concerns here or there, I don't think they will be anything that would be a deal breaker. I accepted this offer not only because it is a really cute couple, but because they offered more than I was asking. That way, negotiation isn't so painful and we will all come out winning. That is what I hope for!

I have been packing/cleaning/getting things done little by little each day. I have been trying to have some fun, too. Mom, Dad, me and boys went on a walk at Lair of the Bear park yesterday. Then I came home and got right to packing while the plumber fixed a few things. I indulged in a really cute BBC series Mom told me about later in the evening called "Lark Rise to Candleford." One of those lovely British old school story lines. The main character, Laura, reminded me of me in way...leaving the home she has always known for a new life in Candleford. It seems far to her, but only less than 8 miles away by foot or horse. My journey is a little farther, but things go faster by car.

I am slowly finishing up tackling the basement. Most everything is packed up. I am just hoping it all fits in my little storage unit. Now I have to tackle my clothing, some kitchen essentials, and some stuff in the office. All doable I think in the time I have.

Tonight I am indulging in My Brother's Bar with Liz. I have been trying to eat at places where I won't be going for awhile, if again at all. I am going to have an actual hamburger, not a veggie burger like I normally do. I deserve it, I think!

Interesting Converstation

I went to the eye doctor today to update my prescription, get a new pair of eyeglasses, and also refresh my sunglass prescription. It was the first time I had visited this eye doctor, so she asked me why I came in and I told her that I am moving and just wanted to get my eyes checked before the move. We chatted for a bit, she asked me a series of questions...where are you moving? What are you going to do for work? Are you single or married? Nowadays I just say single unless it is someone who I can captivate for over an hour. Once I told her single and moving to Montrose, she looked concerned and said, "Wow! It is going to be really hard to meet someone in a small town, isn't it?" I recognize transference when I see it, and noticed she does not have a wedding ring, and she is young, so perhaps her mind for herself is already focused on meeting someone. I just laughed her off and said, "Well, there is probably a Match.com or something in that area of the state", got my prescription (and I must note that next exam we may delve deeper into "progressives"...ugh...meeting 40 soon...), and I left.

Never once have I thought that if I move to Montrose my prospects of meeting a mate are less than zero.

But, in Denver, they are as well.

And, I already had the man of my dreams. Now my job is to have the life of my dreams. And this is another step toward that life.

I watch Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" each week and she had the music artist India.Arie on last Sunday. India.Arie hit it big with music, lost herself, went into spiritual crisis, found herself, and is now on her path. She said one thing that spoke to me. "The one job we have in this life is to be ourselves." Yes. Yes. Yes.

Since Mike died, I never really determined who I was. I kind of stayed the same person only minus him. But I have had a number of reminders that I need to connect with who I am. I remember a phone conversation I had with Meg after a book club. My lovely book club, full of wonderful women who are moms, married, and lead professional work lives. I wasn't connecting, and every meeting I was feeling more and more isolated. I was trying to be the same kind of person as they were, but couldn't be which lead me to frustration that I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

This journey to Grand Junction and Montrose is MINE! I get to do with it what I wish. And I get to fulfill my job to be myself. Maybe that person never meets the next man of her dreams. Maybe that person doesn't love the job or the area and chooses something different. Maybe that person snuggles in and embeds herself into this new community and lives there for the rest of her life. Who knows!

All I know is that signs point me in my direction. My love of Montrose back in 2000. My desire to leave city living behind. My desire to work in hospice and also work in community. The fact that my truck and house sold in perfect circumstances. I just need to breathe, listen, and move slowly but assuredly toward the next step. I have all the belief in the world that my next steps will be utterly amazing and exactly what I need to fulfill my job in life of being me.

Mindfulness

I spent the last year in grad school learning about self care, meditation, and mindfulness. I have always found these topics to be fascinating especially around the mind/body connection. One thing we learned was mindfulness when doing the dishes, driving, answering the telephone, taking a walk...just being present and not preoccupied with other things, thoughts, or distractions.

One thing we did not discuss is having mindfulness in times of distress. None of the above are distressing events, but experiencing my anxious yellow lab having diarrhea in the backseat of my car, all over his chocolate lab brother and my fabric car seats, as I went through Eisenhower tunnel today was not something I learned about in class with regards to mindfulness.

Let me back up and explain. Preparing to move has taken over my life since graduation and my job offer. I am completely and totally excited about it, and quite frankly wish I could say "Beam me up Scotty" and my house, along with everything in it, would be taken someplace I could access at a later date. But, no. I have to pack, put the house on the market, be out of it for showings, make decisions about who I will sign a contract with, and prepare for a new job in a new town. All by myself. Me, myself, and I. Now, I have had some help-Liz with the crawl space and respite at Mom and Dad's yesterday with the dogs for 5 hours while the house was being shown-but most everything is being done by me.

Foresight is a hard thing to come across when selling a house. I invited my folks up to Dillon for a night with the dogs and me tonight because I wanted to A) Spend time with them, B) Enjoy 80 degree weather instead of 90 and C) Be gone while the house was being shown. Little did I know that once the house was on the market (Monday) and showings were scheduled ASAP (Tuesday) that I would have to be out of the house most of the day Tuesday with my anxious, large, overzealous, totally loving, awkward, 90 lb labs.

It was all too much for Stan. After 11 years of knowing him, I am finally understanding him. He thrives on consistency and predictability. Otherwise, he goes nuts, or as Oprah would put it, "Becomes out of alignment with the universe." Thus, ever since I have been getting ready to put the house on the market (cleaning, packing, having people over here and there) he has been off kilter. Hence, the diarrhea in the car today. I think all he wanted was to get "back to normal." Sorry, big guy, we aren't going to see normal for a while.

Which leads me to say that I have a lot to learn about mindfulness. Because, after weeks of packing and sleepless nights I was hoping for one night of respite. And I didn't get it. Instead of being mindful, and taking a "Que Sera Sera" approach, I yelled, slammed things down, cursed, and wished for a martini at 3pm-and I don't even drink martini's. My parents were patient and understanding as I pulled up to the hotel in Dillon where we were staying after calling to say that Stan pooped the car and we have to turn around and go home. This trip to Dillon was my idea, so I was feeling like I let everyone down. Needless to say, we came home, I turned the hose on the boys to their utter dismay, hand vacuumed and shampooed the car (I will get it professionally cleaned as well, in case you, the reader, is to ever ride in the back), I ordered Indian food, and we all settled in for the night in front of Master Chef on television.

After our unexpected day, the most poignant was as I was watching TV, Stan came over to me to lay down. He was still wet from the bath, and I had the AC on, so he was probably cold. I put a blanket on him and pet him as we sat together. And I thought, "I have had upset stomachs before...I have had to ask (or plead) family or friends pull into a gas station so I could use the bathroom. He tried to tell me, but he couldn't, what he needed. He and I are not that much different." It was endearing, and it got me to realize that maybe mindfulness can happen later, after the disappointment, frustration, anger...maybe mindfulness can happen in retrospect once I can appreciate the situation for what it is...Life.

As I have told Meg, "What I don't like about life, I love about life." That unpredictability could lead to your dog with diarrhea in the car, or a beautiful night in Dillon looking up as the stars shimmer over the reservoir. The most important thing is that I am here to experience it, whatever turn it takes.

As of this afternoon...

...On the market!

Note to self

My dear Melanie,

I have been meaning to ask you this since you accepted a job in another town and decided to move...why, oh why, have you purchased so much stuff in your life? Why, oh why, haven't you cleaned out under your bed for a number of years, or scrubbed under the bathtub, or dusted the walls? Because now, you are in a cleaning and packing...bad dream (the kind where you feel like you are suffocating under water)...for lack of a better term.

I know, I know...retail therapy can be so satisfying. And who wants to crawl around on a floor with a vacuum on a weekend? But...now you are paying the price. Yes, every item of clothing you have is really cute and you try to wear each one...your 25 pairs of shoes cover all seasons, even the pairs you found after 2 years under your bed...you can never resist buying that cute pair of earrings...and what is one more book, right?

It all adds up, my dear, into stuff, stuff, stuff. You should consider what you are contributing to the landfill right now. Your ecoprint, my friend, is a dark shade of gray...not green.

This is not a note to shame you...rather, remind you to put things in perspective...

You have amassed over your lifespan a pretty remarkable genre of books, items, and clothing with which you feel kindred. The English tea set from Aunt Kakie. The Parisian painting in your dining room. Every book Tim O'Brien ever wrote. Those earrings your friend made and the ones from Santa Fe. Use those items, my friend, and don't be seduced by those Crate and Barrel advertisements, a trip to 5 Green Boxes, or a saunter into Anthropologie. Your style is already among the things you own, so use them, wear them, and entertain in and with them proudly. And remember, your shine from the inside is what matters most, not all the stuff that surrounds it.

Yours truly,

Your dear Melanie

Ramblings

It has been a busy few weeks since I graduated. I have been getting my basement organized-Mike and I put so much stuff in our crawlspace, and I am unearthing so many things that have been forgotten. My favorite was a box of cassette tapes from high school with a note on it to me: "Future project-write down titles and get CD's". Well, that never happened because that box has been living in a crawlspace for 12 years!

I have been trying to infuse a little fun into my weeks, and a few naps. Yesterday I went to the Gardens with Susan and her new baby girl. I haven't spent much time with Susan so it was a nice way to spend the morning. I then got summer fever as I joined Meg and her family at the community pool and ate pizza. We watched a movie later. It felt good to decompress and be with good friends.

Today, I am back at it. Only, though, after mourning the loss of James Gandolfini. I saw every episode of The Sopranos, sometimes twice. He was a captivating actor, and I found myself having a crush on his Tony Soprano character because there was something about him. RIP Mr. Gandolfini and thank you for years of entertainment.