Retreat

Yesterday I used a mission leave day to have a retreat. Regis is associated with a Jesuit retreat house in Sedalia. I just went for the day and I was on my own, except I had lunch which was served at noon. I got up there in the morning and shopped their wonderful bookstore and bought a couple of books. I sat in chairs that are all around the property, read, thought, and wrote in my journal. I took a little hike and sat in a gazebo. Lunch was BLT sandwiches, a salad and chips. I left early afternoon and made a quick visit to Mike's spot in Fairmount. I came home and relaxed a bit; I then went to the last Guys Night Out baseball game of the season.

One of the books I bought at the retreat center is about grief. It is written by a woman who in the 1970's lost her husband and young daughter in a drunk driving car accident as she survived and was 3 months pregnant (the baby survived, too). I mean...talk about grief. It has been a wonderful book thus far. One thing she talks about is the willingness to love people after a death. When someone dies, we tend to hang on to that person and give all our love to that person's memories, all the while shutting others out. I thought that was a very interesting point...of course, as she recognizes everyone has their own grief cycle so this type of realization may not come for a long time. She also talks about preparatory grief, the kind that one might experience while caring for a sick loved one. I think I went through some of that with Mike, which is why I haven't fallen into a huge pit of depression and feel pretty good most days. She recognizes that often when caring for the terminally ill that the caregiver may hope that person gets taken from the pain and suffering into peace. I know toward the end I did have those feelings, and the last days wanted nothing more then to have Mike at peace. All in all, the day yesterday was one of reflection and relaxation, which I have been anticipating.

One month

It has been one month since Mike transitioned from this world to the next. Every Friday I reflect on the events of that day, especially between 3 and 4pm. As time passes I just miss him more and more. It seems every little thing makes me think of him. I was driving to the mall yesterday recalling all the times he and I would spend a Saturday milling about the mall. Things like that I think about.

I did take a huge step yesterday. For the past month, the bedroom has stayed in the same condition as when Mike was alive, at home. His jammies and jeans hung on the door; his shoes under the dresser; the dresser drawers full of his socks, undies, and other clothes. I spent the evening cleaning out my closet, putting the fall and winter clothes in the closet and the summer clothes away. I decided it was time to at least move his clothes to the back closet. I took the clothes off the back of the door and hung them in the back closet. The socks I put in a give away pile; the shoes as well I put in the closet. I am not ready to box them up and donate them yet, but I did need to make room in the bedroom for some of my things.

I am also going to start cleaning out the shed. I think that is a good place to really start. Many of his tools and such don't bring back as many memories, and so I think it is a safe place to start. I am going to make it my gardening shed. Jason is getting Mike's Snap On tool set and will pick that up today. Then I can slowly start to make that my area.

It is so strange to move forward (I refuse to say "move on") without Mike but I know he would want me to not just sit dwelling in sadness. I think one of the reasons he could let go that day was because I promised I would be okay. I need to make sure I keep that promise.

CRASH!

I haven't written in a few days. So here is my saga...Sunday night I was coming home from dinner at my folks'house and a quick truck wash, driving north on Emerson which is a one-way. At Arizona, a car ran the stop sign and hit the back of the truck in the rear tire well area. I careened into a parked car, hitting it head on the side and pushing it up on the curb. My car ended up southbound and I was fuming as I saw the car drive away!! I started to follow him but the truck wouldn't drive well so I had to pull over. The woman whose car I hit came running out of the house...she didn't see what happened and she started yelling at me. Other neighbors came out who witnessed the accident told her it wasn't my fault and all hugged me as I cried and told them my hubby had died almost a month ago and now this. The lady apologized and called the police so we could report the hit and run. All the neighbors took great care of me...the police came and we filed a report...and found the license plate of the car that hit me. What luck! I had the truck towed to be repaired today. I was so sad because it is Mike's truck...he would be devasted to know that this happened to me and the truck. Luckily I am not hurt. I spoke to the detective today and he asked ultimately what I want done if they find the guy. I don't want to prosecute...I just want him to pay my deductible and the repairs and pay for whatever the other woman needs done. I had a talk with a colleague who thinks I should press charges...in case this person ever does this type of thing again at least I acted. But you know what? I have no desire to add that drama in my life. Also, I have no desire to put all my info out there for some lunatic who cares very little for human life obviously to find out where I live or something. Am I crazy not to press charges?

This is where I miss Mike. We would have deliberated together about what to do. But in the end I think it is a sign to show that I have to take care of things myself now. And I did...I called insurance, I had the truck towed, and I followed up with the detective. I am taking care of business myself and it is empowering to do so.

Eating through grief

Well...I am approaching week #3 of losing my Mike. It is getting harder...maybe the last two weeks I have been a bit numb or something and now the numbness is wearing off. I just miss him-no more, no less. I miss his presence at home, watching TV, eating meals together, sleeping together, and just talking. All the small things we did day to day...I don't feel like I took any of it for granted though. There was one day in December where I was driving to the hospital to see him and I truly felt that every day that I did see him was a blessing. That feeling stayed with me all these months, even through the stress and frustration I would feel from time to time.

I have decided to eat well now that I am alone. I don't want my dinners to be frozen meals or my snacks to be chips. I want to nourish myself during my grief. So, I gave some thought to being purposeful in cooking. I made a homemade soup and grilled cheese/tomato panini's over the weekend. I had the family over and made Pasta Puttanesca. I am going to dust off my Gourmet magazines, remember my log in to The Food Network online, and cook. And eat. I am not going to worry about losing weight, I am going to worry about nourishing myself and others who may join me. So, from time to time I may share a recipe that I made for myself or friends because I truly believe cooking is therapeutic.

Chester and Stanley are unlearning all the training we had done. Not that they were ever "A" students but they have both gotten pretty unruly. Chester licked my breakfast plate this morning! And Stanley helped himself right up on the bed without an invitation! Walks are painful at the very least because I often have to drag Stan away from sniffing and get pulled by Chester toward something he can eat. Oh well. Now is not the time to crack down. They are sad just like me. I think we all have our own amount of time to be "a mess".

Back to Reality

I went back to work this week. Ugghhh. I guess it has been a blessing disguised by not totally caring about the day to day mundane work activities. It has given me a little bit of direction and focus, which gets lost the minute I get into the car. People at work have been very supportive. Where some work places may have a culture of not discussing these things, my co-workers hunt me down in my office to give me a big hug. It has been nice, except those times I start crying in front of a co-worker I don't know well. That gets awkward.

I have kept myself very busy this week. Tuesday night I went to the baseball game with my brother. Last night I saw the Schultz family; tonight is dinner with my family. It has been good, but my house is getting messy and the dogs are neglected. So, I am still in search of that thing called "balance" which I am sure I will be able to find someday.

I saw Jason, Jess and Max last night. Max and I watched an episode of Lil Bill and ate chicken tenders and mashed potatoes. I sat around with Jay and Jess and had an awesome time. I thought going over I would be weepy but instead we laughed and told Mikey stories. I told them the details of his last weeks without sobbing which is a feat for me. I honestly felt so at peace when I left there. I needed to spend some good time with people that knew and loved Mike as much as I did. It felt soooo good.

Well, off to another day. The weekend is around the corner, and while I plan to keep busy I am looking forward to some thoughful times with my love.

The Blog is Back

It has been one heck of a 9 month stretch. My beloved passed away on August 28th, 2009 after a long, long struggle with cancer and many cases of pneumonia. This is the link to his obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/denverpost/obituary.aspx?n=michael-d-mcclanahan&pid=132125557
His viewing and celebration of life service brought out many people both a part of his life, my life, and our lives together. I have heard numerous stories of how much people loved and admired Mike. One thing that stood out...Mike always was self conscious of his teeth. So many people, though, have told me how much they loved his smile.

I am resurrecting this blog because I am beginning my own journey. I want to keep it tied to my previous blog because that life will always be a part of who I am. As I embark upon this new journey I want to write about how I am feeling, what I am thinking and how I reconstruct a life out of one that I had with Mike for 10 years. How do I bring parts of him into my own life? His courage, humor, organizational skills, and the kind of love and friendship that sustained us for a decade?

I miss him more than words can express. I often think that he isn't home because he is in the hospital, where he spent a lot of time away from home. I keep feeling like the phone will ring and the caller ID will be the hospital and he will ask where I have been all week. Of course this is ridiculous...as I was there for his final breaths. But I can't help hold out a little bit of hope that someday I will feel his touch or hear his voice again. Even if that someday is when I leave this earth myself.

Goodnight, my sweet.