All's quiet on the 1063 front

I realized today that I haven't been blogging as regularly as I used to. I used to blog about things Mike and I were doing to update friends and family on our goings on, but since he has been gone it has been a lot harder to make such documentation. Part of this reason is because much of what I experience emotionally from the loss isn't something I want the world to know. Another part is that my life is pretty mundane-get up, go to work, come home, maybe go out, have dinner here and there. I don't have significant events to report. So, I guess I will write about what I view as my next steps in this thing called life.

I decided a month ago that I need a break. I need a break from the Monday thru Friday job, the exhaustion at the end of the week, the running lists of all I need to get done in my two day weekend. I also had a realization that I don't have to have the job I have now; that I can pursue other things; that maybe I have just settled into this lifestyle and have lost the sense of the world around me. Some might say I am coming into my own. I would say that I am exhibiting that relentless personality defect of mine called INDIVIDUALISM. I always detested the status quo, but found myself in it because I was able to live a life I enjoyed with a man I loved. Now, though, it is just me and two dogs (once I start writing about ten cats please call the asylum). Now, it is just me, and I can move this bus (preferable a VW) in whatever direction I would like to take it. So, I have decided to quit my job, take the summer off, garden, travel, and reassess my role in this place called The World and how I vision something called My Life in relation to This World.

One non-negotiable in deciding not to work is my need for health insurance. No...I am not chronically sick or anything...but nothing will bring a person closer to bankruptcy than uninsured health problems. I come from the ideological camp that anything can happen at anytime so it is important to be ready and prepared. So, I applied for individual health care coverage through Kaiser, who I have now through my employer. Guess what...I was denied coverage. Why?? An bunion. I had a consultation with an orthopedic surgeon about a bunion which, by the way, doesn't even hurt and he suggested NO surgery. That appointment is the reason Kaiser won't cover me as an individual, even though I have been a patient of Kaiser since 2004. And, it was a Kaiser doctor who didn't recommend surgery. So, I was ready to give up, but a friend of a friend told me about Cover Colorado, an insurance plan through the State of Colorado that covers people denied private insurance. I feel like I am back in the game and can take this much needed time off, knowing this plan is hopefully going to work out (I still need to apply).

This situation has made me really think of the people that live in this country and how so many...SO MANY...don't have insurance because of pre-existing conditions, or the lack of affordability of healthcare. I volunteer every Sunday with women who are trying...TRYING...to get their lives on track but can't because our system doesn't let them. It is a downward spiral. One woman I see each week is a victim of the healthcare system. Her husband was injured on a construction job. Their insurance didn't cover everything he needed done; he is on disability; they lost their house; etc. Now, both of them live separate. Him at one shelter and her at another. She sat crying on Sunday about how she just wants her life back. And our system won't let her. As a society, we seem to think that people who can't make it themselves financially have some sort of defect, when in reality the defect is our system.

I am extremely lucky. Mike left me financially stable to make the types of decisions I am making. I am healthy. I am educated. I can go back to school for a new career and pay the tuition that will be expected of me. I am lucky, but many others are not. I believe it is the responsibilitiy of government to make sure they are overseeing a productive, healthy, and satisfied population.I am hoping this new health plan our government has set forth will do that and provide a safe place for people in their most vulnerable moments. There is nothing sexy about going to the doctor. It is a need all people have, and is the responsibilty of our government to support, one way or another. Take it from someone who can see through first hand experience.

So much for not having much to say...

Sick on the weekend

Well...Friday night I started having a sore throat and it got worse as I tried to sleep. Saturday I had a combination of sore throat, stuffy nose, fatigue (but not loss of appetite!) and today I have a head cold and sore throat. There truly is nothing worse than being sick on a weekend. I looked so forward to getting so much done and being outside on such a beautiful day, but I find myself laying in bed with my trusty friend and confidante MacBook. I did, however, go through all three of my Netflix movies-Love Happens (must download soundtrack), Sunshine Cleaning, and The Proposal. I may stay home tomorrow (there! Sick Day at work...take that!) just to make sure I am getting over this.

The boys will deserve a long romp at the dog park one of these days or nights. They have put up with one measly walk all weekend, and going to bed at 8pm last night. They are so patient when I am sick, and I need to reward that and let them know how much I appreciate it!

This was a week where it seems lots has happened! I threw Jen her baby shower last Saturday and it was a total hit. A lot of great women converged together, ate, laughed, and were so generous giving Jen so many wonderful gifts. It was a great time and a wonderful celebration in honor of my friend and her first baby.

Mike's birthday was Monday and I did feel emotional the days surrounding his birthday. Sunday, I went to the cemetary along with Mom, Dad, Jason Jessica and Max. We brought new flowers and Max wandered around looking at the headstones. On Monday I went to Pearl Street Grill along with Mom, Dad, the Schultz' family, Mike's dad, brother and my brother. We toasted to Mike and shared a meal in his honor. Being with friends and family made me feel so good and I know Mike was happy knowing all of us were together. On Wednesday a new life was brought into the Schultz family-little Julian Michael Schultz. Max is going to be a great big brother and I can't wait to meet this newest member of the family.

Today I took the day off. I did a few paperwork type things I needed to get done, and had tea with mom. It was a perfect day to stay home because of the snow, but I wish it were a nicer day so I could have gotten some things done outside. Oh well...plenty of time for that I guess. All in all, another busy week, but there was time for reflection as well which is what I needed.

A little spa getaway

November was the last time I did anything to really pamper myself. My trip to Scottsdale did just that-morning jogs, gallery gazing, morning swims, and a relaxing massage were the highlights of this trip-of course, topped off with seeing Sue, Morgan and Eric. After that trip, it seemed as though I was just trying to get by, facing all the major holidays without Mike and knowing I just needed to get through. I decided it was time once again for a little pampering. Not only that, but I wanted to pick up the painting that is now hanging happily on my wall. So, I went to Saratoga, Wyoming to have a little spa time. Once again, I pampered myself with a massage, swimming in hot springs, and soaking under a teepee in 105 degree water. With a friend, I drove into the foothills near the Snowy Range, and around the town and country club, looking at the many millions of dollars of homes and estates. We spent time in the hot springs and just chilled out and watched endless episodes of HGTV shows. We ate a delightful breakfast and packed up my painting in the car. The time spent was worth the 8 hours total of drive time, the first two of which were through excessively thick fog which led to a mild panic attack on my part. So, that spa was a much needed treat. The drive home was much more relaxing and the day was beautiful and clear.

This trip really solidfied for me the need to do this type of thing more often. I am currently in the throes of asking myself life altering quesitons: Must I have a job where I am tied down to an 8-5 schedule, putting in vacation time and living for the weekends? What kind of security am I looking for with this kind of schedule? Am I really in need of such a structured life, or would I benefit more from pursuing activities that give me passion and make me want to live? The rejuvenation I felt from the little getaway makes me want to spend time this summer having a summer-going to the mountains, re-landscaping my yard, walking more in the early hours when it is cool and fresh outside, napping when I feel like it, and maybe working...a little. I didn't have a summer last year, except for one month when Mike felt good and we got out a number of times to do leisure activities. I spent 9 months caring for Mike and working full time, and then I spent these last 6 months grieving and working. Maybe...I am just tired. Maybe I don't want my summer to slip away only to leave me again with a never-ending fall/winter. In the words of William H. Davies:
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Stolen from M and E - fun to think about!

a month, I would be: June
a day of the week, I would be: Friday
a time of day, I would be: 5pm
a planet, I would be: Earth
a direction, I would be: West
a historical figure, I would be: Elizabeth Cady Stanton
a liquid, I would be: Water
a tree, I would be: Maple
a plant, I would be: Bougainvillia
a flower, I would be: Rose
a kind of weather, I would be: Spring storm
a musical instrument, I would be: Flute
an animal, I would be: Giraffe
a color, I would be: Green
a fruit, I would be: Berry
a sound, I would be: Rain
an element, I would be: Water
a song, I would be: California by Joni Mitchell
a book, I would be: On the Road by Kerouac
a food, I would be: A grain
a place, I would be: A garden
a word, I would be: Tranquil
a scent, I would be: Lavender
a body part, I would be: Hands
an object, I would be: Mug
a cartoon character, I would be: Winnie-the-Pooh
an event, I would be: Birthday Party
a number, I would be: 35
an occupation, I would be: Travel agent
a mythological being, I would be: Demeter
a feeling, I would be: Contentment
a mineral, I would be: Aquamarine
a religious icon, I would be: Ignatius of Loyola
an art form, I would be: Collage
a symbol, I would be: Peace sign
a constellation, I would be: Ursa Minor