40!!!!

I officially survived my 40th birthday!

Thursday the 11th was the actual day, but I just took Friday the 12th off. I kicked it off with a party Thursday night at Lowry Beer Garden and had about 25 people come. It is always quite a treat to have all my nearest and dearest in the same space…everyone is so easy-going that it can't help but be a good time!

Friday I dropped Rene off at Mom and Dad's for her first overnight with them without me, and my first night away without her. I stayed at the Hotel St. Julien in Boulder, a most fabulous resort hotel where I used to retreat a few years ago. My friend Jill met me up there and stayed with me, and we met my friend Amanda for dinner. When I got to the hotel, Mom and Dad had sent up some little treats for our stay! It was so cute.

The bathroom at the Hotel St. Julien is remarkable. It is bigger than my own at home!

We ate at Bramble and Hare, a little farm to table restaurant Amanda recommended. Jill and I did some shopping both in the evening and the next day. Saturday when I came home I found Rene to have been excellent house guest for Mom and Dad! Later in the evening, the family went out to dinner at The Cherry Creek Grill. Robert and I always have to take a selfie when we are together!

I stayed the night at Mom and Dad's and came home this morning, to get myself together and get ready for the week. Oh, and to cap off the weekend with my Valentine…Rene!

The Countdown Begins

The kick off weekend to my 40th birthday week has been really enjoyable. Friday night I went to the Denver Botanic Gardens for an evening with orchids, music, food and drink. I went with Mary, my current neighbor, and Pat, my former neighbor, and had an excellent time. Did you know the vanilla bean is actually an orchid? I learned so many different things about this unusual plant, it was fun. We ate a late dinner at Shells and Sauce and just gabbed until around 10pm. It felt very European, the only thing I wish is that I could walk everywhere and not have to drive from place to place.

Yesterday, Mom and I went on our annual birthday lunch, with a shopping expedition to Cherry Creek Mall. We went into the new Restoration Hardware store. It is impressive but a little too…um…neutral toned for me. It seemed like everything on display was white, tan or grey. But, it looked nice and I wouldn't complain if I won a shopping spree to furnish my home in RH! Their rooftop patio's display and selection is dynamite, and I look forward to checking it out in the summer time as well! Of course, we went to Anthropologie. Every year I get 15% there during my birthday month, so I bought four new dinner plates:

After lunch at Nordstrom Cafe, I had my hair appointment. Anna did me right again, of course, adding a little lightness to my tresses for my 40th and also just trimming it up a bit. She mentioned something, like, "You don't have too many gray hairs we need to cover up." I said, "aren't those just really blonde hairs?" She agreed, of course just to placate me.

Today I have a massage scheduled and then Rene and I will watch the game at Mom and Dad's. We will eat bar-b-que and dips like velveeta cheese and Rotel tomatoes. Rene and I will stay the night, because it is always a little treat and she loves seeing grandma and grandpa first thing in the morning. Then, off to work for the week, until Thursday where I will kick off a long birthday weekend full of party time, a stay at the Hotel St Julien and a birthday dinner with the family.

Everyone has asked, "So, how do you feel about turning 40?" And still, I am really excited about the new decade. I just feel like good things are going to happen. 

The Rabbit

I took Rene out tonight to go to the bathroom one last time. In the gutter downspout right by the front door was a rabbit, with it's little paws stuck in the ice. It was so frantic trying to pry itself loose but it couldn't. It would show itself, then try to run up the spout, all the while it's little paws stuck.

I don't know why but when animals are helpless, I feel helpless, too. Flash back to the time Mom and Dad had a bird stuck in their fireplace. All the boys-Dad, Robert and Mike-were not around. Mom called me…"Melanie, there is a bird in our fireplace! What do I do?" I went over there, and indeed there was a bird, um, in the fireplace. I had no idea. I remember frantically making calls to animal control and such, and finally the bird made its way out of the fireplace and flew out of the chimney.

Or the time Robert and I took a hitch-hiking chipmunk inside the rim of my tire from the Black Canyon to my little Montrose country home. It just shook, scared out of its mind. I remember making sure Ches and Stan didn't come outside until the little chipmunk got a grip and dashed away; I didn't want the boys to see it for fear of pouncing on the poor little creature.

Tonight, I didn't quite know what to do. I couldn't just leave it, but I didn't want to try and touch it for fear of getting bit or some sort of rabbit fever. I called my neighbor Wyetta and she came down with a cupful of warm water. She threw it on the rabbit and it got loose and scrambled up the gutter. "Hmmmm," She said. "That is the second time a rabbit has entered into my life recently." And she went on to tell me about a friend whose dog wanted to bring his rabbit prey into the house for dinner.

I decided to look up the meaning of the rabbit. Here is what I found, according to www.whatsyoursign.com:

"Symbolic rabbit meanings deal primarily with abundance, comfort, and vulnerability. Traditionally, rabbits are associated with fertility, sentiment, desire, and procreation. Rabbit meanings are also closely linked to the seasons, the changes of Mother Earth, and specifically Springtime. Have you ever heard the term "madder than a March hare?" It has to do with rabbits going bonkers around this time of year. They feel the call of spring just as strongly as everyone and everything else - perhaps moreso. Creatures of all kinds feel the tremors of springtime's return and respond to it in wild courtship. It's a celebration of life, and bunnies bounce right back into the swing of spring. 
All of us know the power of population the rabbit has - they are legendary for their ability to reproduce fast and furiously. For that same reason, the rabbit is a perfect symbol for this spring which is fertile with themes like: New life, New beginnings and the undeniable current of growth. The rabbit is also a symbol of Ostara, an ancient fertility goddess whose symbols are rabbits, various flowers and eggs."

Neither Wyetta, nor I, of course are pregnant or hoping to become so. We both, however, appreciate symbolism and making meaning of our lives. Both of us were excited on January 1st to start a new year, and my own journey is taking me to my 40th year of life, so I see lots of hope, promise, possibility for the future, and glorious springtime just around the corner. Freeing the rabbit perhaps has some symbolism of its own, maybe freeing my own spirit to be open to possibilities of whats to come!

For the smell of livestock

It has been a while since Rene and I have been on a little road trip. Sunday was a beautiful day, so before the game (THE GAME that got us to the Superbowl!!) I decided to drive us up to Greeley. I don't know, I hadn't been there in a very long time. Maybe I was also feeling a little nostalgic for small town, farming Colorado.

I was surprised to find a quaint little downtown, with some public art and murals! Here are just a few I stumbled across that decorated the alley behind the music venue…

What sweet statue is this? I'd like to add it to my art collection!

 Oh wait! It is the grey Rene!

 I have become interested in finding open spaces and trails on the east side of the metro area. Greeley has a nice trail system, and Rene and I found the trailhead for the Poudre River walk.

Always love me a red barn!

Trying to find the beauty in a winter landscape!

2016: Off to a good start!

I am a little less than half-way to my 40th birthday. I promised myself that I would look to improve my life as I face a new decade close to a new year. I think that everyday there is a chance to see things differently, choose an action toward joy, and make choices that enhance my life.

I am not sure why all of a sudden I am feeling this so strongly. I think that facing 40 has led me to do some of that life review I do with my dying patients. I have noticed lately, too, that I have been especially impacted by my patients whose demise isn't happening tomorrow; rather, they face a terminal illness and they have 1 month, 3 months, 6 months and they have chosen to accept that path rather than continue fighting…but they feel okay, they may be home bound or chair bound or limited in getting around. I keep thinking that many of these folks will just be so peaceful, just like I would want to be if it were me. But they aren't. One man keeps asking me how he will die because he is just plain afraid. One woman has such severe memory lapses due to her metastasized cancer that she thinks all her friends have taken all her money; in reality her friends are wonderful and supportive and try to help her make the best decisions possible. Another man's young adult daughter just got engaged and he wants to walk her down the aisle in 3 months. He won't even consider a smaller gathering soon because he wants to be a part of the big gathering this summer; unfortunately, we all know he probably won't be here for her wedding day.

I am not trying to depress the mood; I suppose I am trying to find reasons to justify why I am attempting happiness every day. Because, I look into these people's faces and I see people who, even at the end of life they struggle finding joy "in the moment", which, when it comes down to it, is all we really have, whether we are healthy or sick, facing death or starting life. Maybe turning 40, I feel a little more mortal, a little more vulnerable, and a little less ego-driven. Maybe I feel like life is too mysterious to miss, getting caught up in day-to-day transgressions and daily annoyances.

I often elude to my job but don't write about it much. I suppose I feel a little embarrassed that I dislike all the things that make hospice work hospice work. The unpredictability, the family dynamics, being on call, that darn phone that bings and rings all day that I must attend to. But there are things about it I love. The family who really wants to understand end of life care for their loved one and asks thoughtful questions; the special volunteers who sing songs to dying patients or make meals for a homebound patient to have something other than soup. The patient who is realizing her fate and just sits with me for an hour, in silence, letting the tears run down her cheeks. My amazing team-mates who just pick up where we all leave off with little to no explanation and run with it.

In the pros and cons lies boundary issues and burnout. I always verge on the edge of burnout because the nature of this business relies on strong self-care and good boundaries, which I admit I must tend to on a daily basis or I can run off the rails pretty fast. So, starting January 1st, the rule of thumb I have implemented is "put myself first." In life. At work, at home, with friends and family. That small rule of thumb has helped me get to that family meltdown in time to negotiate a plan; has helped me stay strong when I have to stand up for an elderly patient's rights to family members who think it is okay to leave a bed bound 91 year old who is hard of hearing, has extreme anxiety of being alone and has no way of calling out locked up in her apartment on the 12th floor of a very large building…(Okay, breathe Melanie, breathe)…or when a team member attempts to make her emergency my emergency when, in reality, it really isn't an emergency (this is hospice, people, not the ER…come on!).

What does "putting myself first" mean? It means I get up a smidge earlier, drink coffee in bed and read on my Kindle before walking Rene without taking my work phone with me in the morning. It means setting my first appointment at 10 and my last one at 2 so I can check email and do administrative stuff during the actual 8 hour work period and not extend beyond that. It means saying no…if someone isn't dying then no, I may not be able to get there right now because I have 4 other people to see…how about tomorrow? It means letting calls go to voicemail because if it is urgent I will get an email anyway. It means packing my lunch, drinking plenty of water, keeping my car gassed up, and giving myself comp time when I am on call.

I told a good friend, who just retired after 30 years at one organization where she dedicated much of her time to working and being on call, about my "put myself first" plan at work. She was skeptical. "But Melanie", she said, 'They are paying you to work there." So, let me put to rest that my "put myself first" idea has nothing to do with me hanging out at the mall while I tell my employer I am working. It just simply means that in order to do well at my life, I need to make sure all my needs are met first. Once they are, then I can worry about you (think airplane oxygen mask).

And it is working! I don't complain to mom so much anymore over the phone. I start my day and end it usually in an 8 hour time frame. Rene and I walk two times a day-no skimping. I am reading two books. I no longer have the sugar/junk food crash I would experience after "grabbing lunch out" while on the road. Sure, I have my moments. I still hate being on call. I still tense up when I get an urgent needs message, or see the admission email about the new patient whose family can't caregive for her and they have no money and oh, by the way, watch out for drug diversion. I still lose sleep over some cases, or dream about others. Self-care and boundaries, like I said before, are effective only if tended to day-to-day. As long as I do that, I will be okay.

2016

Help this little lost deer have a great 2016!

I saw this poem and indeed, this little lost deer will have a good 2016, 

if I have anything to say about it!

A Special Kind of Dog

I didn't really want you, I wasn't really sure 

and I'll admit I had my doubts

when you first came through that door.

Not small, or cute, or fluffy, with big soft puppy eyes, 

but tall and thin and bony, 

with bald pink bulging thighs.

You weren't the kind I had in mind, not in any way. 

Perhaps it would be better, if I took you back today.

Before we know each other, it really won't be kind, 

To keep you here for one more day and then to change my mind.

But against my better judgement, I decided you could stay 

and quickly I discovered, you were kind in every way.

Your gentleness and patience really stole the show 

"Why! These dogs are wonderful, I must let others know"

You're my gentle giant, who just needed a chance, 

To show us all what you could be, to wipe away that history.

Dispel our preconceptions, that put us all to shame

and so we come to know and love, what lies beneath that frame.

And now I've come to understand, what I missed right at the start,

 That Greyhounds need that great deep chest… To house their great big hearts.

40 days until 40

A while back, I posted there were 10 things I wanted to accomplish before turning 40, which is coming up in February!

http://mel-outsidelookingin.blogspot.com/2014/12/my-20-before-40-bucket-list.html

Well, I only made 2 out of 10. I went on a guided weekend retreat, and I got Rene who makes my heart melt every day. While I did get a meaningful job, the jury is still out whether or not I jump out of bed to get going every morning (more on that, later). I never did hike a 14er, go camping, or back to the ocean. After I got Rene, things came to a stand-still so I could train her, feel comfortable about leaving her, etc. I never did get working on that children's book (but remained inspired by stories of authors who took 15 years to write their first best-sellers!). I still have time to try to roast a perfect chicken, so maybe I will try to tackle that one in the next few weeks.

I was walking today with a friend/neighbor and she said, "Why don't you do a list of 40 days until 40, and put on that list everything you want to accomplish before your 40th birthday?" It sounded like a cool idea, but then I got overwhelmed, feeling as though I would have to pack in so many different things in such a short period of time. She and I then got to talking about how we both love the New Year, the possibilities for that coming year, and putting behind us anything that wasn't inspiring in 2015. I came home, picked up my Oprah magazine I got at the store the other day, and was further inspired by the idea of just being a better me, living a better life in 2016. Not a perfect life, but a better, more inspired, more soulful life. So, instead of creating a huge list of 40 things to accomplish, I have made a list of things I want to do each day toward a better me, starting on January 3rd through February 11th and beyond. Heck, starting today, actually! Maybe on my birthday I will think about a new list, maybe add to this one, or maybe do a "year of 40" things to accomplish. But hey, this is a start, and accessible.

• Be expressive. Express who I am-In what I wear, in what I say to others, in who I am in the world…Express myself daily!
• Floss daily (not a few times a week, as is my habit).
• Brush Rene's teeth every day (Greyhounds notoriously have bad teeth, so brushing is a must and I don't always do it for her).
• Do one, kind, out of the way thing for somebody daily.
• While listening to NPR is something I enjoy, I find the stories affect my mood. Especially focusing on all that is happening in conflict in the world. So, cut back on my NPR intake. Listen intentionally, and then change it up and put on some music I enjoy instead.
• Recently, I have found myself while zipping around town for my job stopping to get food that sounds good but isn't healthy. My recent favorite indulgence has been Bruegger's Bagels. But as the week goes on, these choices add up to very unhealthy. So, make one healthy choice daily beyond what I already do. For example, if I crave that bagel get one, but maybe eat half, or get the shmear on the side.
• Pack my lunch daily. The days I don't are the days I often don't make the best eating decisions.
• Walk, daily. Get up a little earlier to make sure Rene and I get 30min in the morning and 30min at night, regardless of weather conditions.
• Every day, reach out to a different loved one-via email, texting or phone. Just a small reaching out gesture can go a long way in continuing valued friendships.
• Take my vitamins, daily. Here is my regimen-Vitamin D, Flaxseed, Cranberry, Milk Thistle. But more often than not after breakfast I forget. Here is to remembering!
• Choose not to be shlumpy, daily. Sometimes when I go for a walk, or let Rene out for the last time at night, I am in shlumpy clothes, my hair is a mess, and thus I present myself to the world as shlumpy. Each day, maybe add a nice scarf or something to make myself look a little less shlumpy! No one wants to be 40 and shlumpy! Not a good combination.
• Clean out something every day. Whether it be my car, my fridge, a really annoying drawer, just take a few minutes to get rid of the garbage, put things away a little nicer and keep things organized and cleaned. If I tackle one thing every day, imagine how much more organized I would be!
• Get 7-8 hours of sleep, daily.

You get the picture. "Sharpen the saw" as Dr. Roger Teel of Mile Hi Church calls it. Then maybe a sharper saw will get me to the top of that 14er or in front of my computer to write my first children's book. It certainly couldn't hurt!