An October Snow Day

We got a ton of snow and my work is closed today. One wish for the boys is that I could just open the front door, let them run and go wherever they want in the snow, and then have them return when they are done! That way, I don't have to bundle up and take them on a walk in snow this deep. They love the snow. Chester loves snowballs thrown his way so he can catch them. Hopefully this will be some good exercise for them...my Turkey Trot training plans need to be put on hold for now...

Turkey Trot Here I Come!

I had been toying around with the idea of walking in the Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning at Wash Park. It will be the first major holiday without Mike and I didn't want to spend the morning sad. I have also been feeling like I really could stand to lose a pound or...10...but had put my WW endeavor on the side. Finally, I need to do something for me. My saying is "I feel like my feet are stuck in slow drying cement". In order to get out of that I need to challenge myself to get out of the norm and do something different. So, I took the plunge and emailed like 100 of my colleagues, friends, family to hold me accountable that I will not just walk the TT but RUN it! I haven't run in months! I had numerous emails sent to me in support, offering to run with me and help me get ready. So I really have to do it! I am very excited that I have the support to get me going. I will plan to use my blog for training updates and I will send a little email out to those interested about my progress. This should be a fun little "Melanie" project. And then...a huge, delicious turkey meal after!

Another good weekend

I love weekends. This one was spent on Pearl Street. M, E and I had breakfast Saturday at Gaia...to die for. We shopped in 5 Green Boxes and I bought a vast array of Puntamayo CDs. Saturday night Robby, Mandy and I had a simple dinner at Budagest Bistro and talked, caught up...all the things you do with the people you love. Sunday I enjoyed the last day of the Farmer's Market with Meg, Mia and Amy...I bought lettuce, apples, onions and tomatoes. Mia got to trick or treat as a kitty cat and we ladies got to just be ourselves and hang out. It was heavenly.

Massouch! Therapy

Last night I had a massage. I went to a woman who lives in the neighborhood and does a real deep tissue massage. Problem is...it hurts like heck! I mean...there are pains and pinches. I know she is getting in there, really letting those toxins out, and today my back does feel better, as do my trigger points in the shoulder and neck. I got to thinking that there are three types of massage people:

1. No massage. "I just couldn't stand having someone touch me like that!"
2. Spa massage. Use of aromatherapy, no talking, falling asleep on the table.
3. Massouch!...the go on, get naked, get ready to cry; the kind where there are tools involved.

I have decided I am #2. I love the serene rooms that come with a spa. I love aromatherapy. I like that they ask how hard or soft. I like that they don't know me so they don't talk. I love falling asleep only to wake up feeling like I was princess for a day. What kind of massage person are you?

Is it noon on Saturday already?

Fridays I greatly anticipate the weekend. I can sleep in, mill about, see friends and family. I can't believe how fast they go though. Soon Saturday will be over only to begin Sunday and then look ahead to another week.

I am having a pleasant weekend. I went to my neighbor's house for wine, food and friendship. It was a nice time, but remind me never to drink red and white wine in the same night. Today I am cleaning the house and yard, and a few friends are coming over for dinner this evening. Tomorrow is a trip to the Zoo with Susan and Alex and then an early dinner with Jen. In between I plan to walk the dogs, read, and possibly nap.

I start teaching this next 8 week term and my first night is Thursday. My class is bigger than the first one I taught, but hopefully with more students things will move along faster. I need to finalize my syllabus and email it to the students ahead of time. I am just going to take it one Thursday at a time, and really focus on the outcomes for the class and each week's topic. It should be good and I am hoping I a bit more organized this time around.

I have been feeling pretty good all in all. I am experimenting with the wedding ring on the right hand instead of left. So far it doesn't feel too weird. I am slowly cleaning things out. I bought a few new items for the house-a rug, a bedspread and a picture for the office. Slowly I am coming home to "my" home instead of "our" home. I do miss him a lot. A co-worker who I haven't seen in a while and who just found out about Mike ran into me in the hall yesterday. She expressed her condolences and I did at that time want to cry. She said, "I only met Mike once but you two really seemed to fit." I nodded. We did fit. Like glove and hand.

Quote for the day

My colleague sent some of us this quote. I like it! It is from author Kent Nerburn: "Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the harvest sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you posses. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."

I will get by

I had one of those breakthroughs that really make an impact on how I am feeling. All week I was a bit down with the realization that never again will I see Mike. He isn't in Antarctica or out of town...he is gone. Period. I know, it sounds silly since I was standing by his side, holding his hand and he took his last breaths. Somehow my brain has been protecting me from the harsh reality I am facing. This week my brain opened the floodgates and I found myself crying at early hours in the morning, sobbing really. Well, this morning I had that happen. It was 5am and I lay crying in my bed. Just sobbing, knowing Mike would never return to me. Somehow, though, I started to have memories of how sick he really was. I remembered all the nights I would wake up every two hours to make sure he was still breathing. The time he fell when he was trying to get out of bed. How thin he became. My crying subsided slowly, as I really thought about how he had a terminal illness and what that meant for us. I fell back asleep and had this dream. The dream was that Mike was in the hospital and doctors kept moving him from room to room to try to make him all better. When they moved him though he was like a rag doll. He was alive but just not there. I woke up feeling utterly and completely at peace. I truly believe Mike came to me in my thoughts and heart. He indicated that he has accepted his new path and that he is relieved to not be in pain and suffering. In my heart I felt him say..."I am okay. I don't have to struggle anymore. Now, you need to be okay. I will help you." I hopped out of bed and just felt so good. I felt refreshed. I felt peace in my heart. To top it off, on the way home from work today KBCO played "Touch of Gray" from the Grateful Dead. "I will get by...I will survive." I sang it at the top of my lungs.

Weekend

I had a very enjoyable weekend. I had two dates I was greatly anticipating. The first was with Meg. We went to the Art Museum-there were no special exhibits and it was a free day, so that added to the freedom of just wandering around the museum. We talked, had a coffee, and just enjoyed the day. We ate a delightful lunch at Whole Foods in the sun. It was perfect. Meg is perfect. I can't explain my friendship with her...she lifts my spirit and soul. Later I met my family for dinner-pizza.

The second date was today with Max and his parents. We went to the Toy Story 1 and 2 double feature in 3D. It was fabulous! The movies in 3D were even better than without 3D. When we were leaving, Max asked me when the next time he and I can do something together. He is such a sweet kid. I ended the weekend with another dinner with my folks.

Sunday nights are hard. I drove my brother home tonight and on the way home the melancholy set in. It is dark. The house will be quiet. No one to watch an episode of The Entourage with before the week begins. No one to come home to and debrief about the weekend (Sunday nights Mike and I would list all the fun things we did that weekend so we wouldn't forget). So, I made myself busy. I took the dogs for a walk. I went through any bills that came this week. I emailed a few students to get a head start on the week. I had the TV going, the lights on in the house. 9 news can be very comforting I am finding out.

I know that I am heading into week 6 since Mike passed. And you know what? No matter how people want me to be all better I won't be for a long time. The life I knew is different now. I don't have a husband anymore. I don't have the life I had (consider the life I had before Mike's sickness). I have to face a number of upcoming events...Thanksgiving (we hosted our first last year), Christmas (opening presents in our PJ's drinking Kahlua and Coffee), Mike's birthday (a subtle card and a special dinner) and our anniversary (dinner or a play). Let me get through these things first without him and then see where I am at. In the meantime, just love me. Know that I am hurting and maybe you don't know what to say or do...just know grief is a long process. Maybe even a lifetime. As my beautiful Meg put it...the dark spot in my heart will always be there, no matter where I am in my life.

Living in Love and Not in Fear

The Jesuits are the society of Catholics whom I just adore. Jesuits are so involved in social justice for the poor, and they really show love toward others regardless of whether the others agree with the Jesuit way of thinking. My colleague has a quote on her desk...I don't know the quote verbatim but the jist of it is to live in love and not in fear. I read this quote when Mike was sick and it clicked. I had been living in fear which was why I was so stressed taking care of him...when I started living in love I began to really see life through his eyes...isn't that called empathy?

When we are pulled to judgement, let's take a step back and live in love for a second. Judgement is fear. Let's live in love...how do we address issues in a non-judging way, living in love and not in fear? Fear is assigning some sort of right/wrong, some sort of "well, but such and such shouldn't have occurred..." Well...it did occur and how do we address it?

Living in love feels a lot different than living in fear. It is less angry. It blames less. The toxic emotions of judgement are just not present when one chooses to live in love. Instead, the heart feels fuller, accepting, happy...when we just open our heart a whole new way of seeing the world appears.

I speak from experience. Losing Mike, I could live in fear all I want. I could walk away from the love that has been bestowed upon me and sleep all day long for many days. I could become cold and bitter. Instead, I recognize the love that is being given to me and I hope to embrace this love, for it is the fear that could be the detriment to me.

Live in love...not fear.

Mary and Hawks

Somehow I ended up with an amazing and beautiful friend Mary. Not sure how or when she came into my life with the full force friendship there is now...We are in the Ignatian Scholars program together but somehow she thinks I am special. The special one though is Mary.

Mary lives in Conifer. I told her that this week I was choosing Mike's headstone. She offered to come along. The only time that worked for me was 9am on a Friday. Mary faced Conifer and 285 traffic to meet me at 9am...even earlier with coffees from Starbucks. Mary sat with me for the hour it took to figure out his headstone. Then she agreed to go with me to his spot. She told me a story that when she would visit her mom in the graveyard who died at a young age she would be visited by hawks...her mom's very favorite animal. When Mary and I got to Mike's spot and were standing there, lo and behold two distinguished hawks circled above us. Mike, her mom and God were with us.

How did I get so lucky to get Mary? Meg? Susan? Liz? I am not sure what made me so worthy of this love. I hope someday I can reciprocate.