Buzzkill

I am off from work this week. Ahhh...I have been in my job, what, about two months and I already have been coveting this time off. Yesterday I did a little shopping and went to see the movie "Love and Other Drugs" (save your money-a cute flick but very, very predictable). Today, I booked a hot stone massage at the spa located in a hotel. I was referred to this place from a past friend and co-worker. With the massage I would get use of the hotel's pool, whirlpool and sauna, plus the locker room. I knew I would be in heaven. The woman who checked me in asked how I heard about the spa, and I told her. She asked who my friend was. I told her the name and she said she knew the person. "Do you teach?" She asked me. I said no, I am an advisor at a community college now. I am not working at Regis with the person who gave me the referral.

The masseuse was a guy, and normally I have women therapists, but I figured a massage is a massage. And, to be honest, I actually prefer the massage from a guy. Women can be a little rough, but this masseuse was very gentle and spoke quietly. "Are the stones too hot?" he asked a few times. "No-just perfect" I would respond and go back into my massage bliss. Even the abrupt, "the massage is over" statement seemed quieter and more gentle, like I didn't have to rush out of the room afterwords.

So...there I was. In my hot stone massage fog. I put on my swimsuit and robe to go off to the whirlpool and sauna. The woman who checked me in showed me the locker room. " So," she asked, "are you single or married?" I never know how to answer the question. If I say single, there seems to be a stigma that this 30 plus year old can't hold down a relationship. If I say married, well, then I am living in another fantasy altogether. So, I tell her I am a widow and my husband died a year ago. That usually kills a conversation, but not with this gal. "Are you dating?" She asked. And from there, I heard all her dating woes about men on the online dating scene. How no man in his 40's and 50's wants to commit. They tell her how beautiful she is and then the next minute they tell her they are seeing someone else. Blah, blah, blah. I stood there, in my robe, knowing a whirlpool is waiting for me. The bliss of my massage has soon dissipated. I start to envision a spa where no one is allowed to talk.

2011: Goin' Solo

I took Chester and Stanley to Mike’s grave on Christmas Eve. They had only been there once and I thought it prudent that they wish their “papas” a Merry Christmas-his very favorite holiday. We got out of the car and wandered to Mike’s grave, the boys sniffing all around at new smells. I wished Mike a Merry Christmas and said all the things I usually say when I visit his grave-that I love and miss him, but that I am doing okay. As I looked at his headstone I had a new realization: I am going into year 2 without him. 2009 seems so far away.

2010 was one strange year. It was the first year without Mike. I went through all the first anniversaries of this and that. I quit my good paying and steady job so I could decompress. I travelled. I visited spas and had massages. I ate a lot and drank too much. I made new friends and severed relationships that didn’t feed my soul. I found my creative self. I spent time with amazing homeless men and women. I had regrets and wished Mike could come back so I could do it all over again, this time better. I wondered what Mike thinks of me now up on his perch in the afterlife.

I know “they” say that Aquarians shouldn’t spend too much time alone. But 2011 beckons me to a quieter place; after realizing almost 2 years will pass without Mike I know that 2011 really is going to be my year. I can’t bring him back. And, anyway, I make myself miserable when I think of what we could have done differently to prolong his life, or how I could have been a better wife. All that has passed and now, it is left to me, to face 2011 solo. And I think it will be a pretty good year.

Content

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~Bob Hope

Merry Christmas 2010 Style

I can't believe that while California is getting torrential rains, and the mountains are getting hit with heavy snow, and the midwest/northeast has been hit with cold, and Europe was experiencing record snowfall...I am looking out the window at a remarkably sunny day in Denver. I do hope for a little snowfall-it would put that final touch on Christmas.

I am looking forward to some time off from my job at CCA. The school gives up all the federal holidays and takes the week after Christmas off. My boss did ask that I increase my hours for January, which got me excited because I am really liking working at CCA and working with community college students. Also, I am finding I like having something to do and make a little money!

For Christmas this year, I will be joining my family for mass and then dinner at 730 South on Christmas Eve. Christmas day will be spent with them as well-opening gifts at mom and dad's and then I am hosting Christmas dinner. On the menu? Beef Stroganoff, potato gratin, and green beans with shallots. I am looking forward to cooking and entertaining. Other holiday cheer this week? Drinks at the Brown Palace with my family and the McClanahans and driving with Meg and the kids to look at Christmas lights. It has been a fun and festive week.

Merry Christmas to all! I wish everyone a happy celebration and some much deserved time off with family and friends. XO

A day at the movies

I am beginning to really enjoy going to movies by myself. I saw Harry Potter a few weeks ago and really enjoyed taking that time to myself to enjoy something on the big screen. I took myself to see Black Swan yesterday and just let myself get sucked into the engaging yet psycho-thrilling story line. I hope to see all the movies up for Oscar nominations this year. I always make a list with the intention of seeing these movies, but I never get around to it.

I did cancel my Netflix membership. I had one movie for, like, 3 months before watching it, so ultimately that movie cost me around $50. I decided I don't watch movies too much, so if I am going to watch them I will through On Demand or the actual movie theater. I like this approach so much better.

Next on the list: The King's Speech (when it opens in Denver), the William S. Burroughs movie at the Starz theatre, How do you know? and Love and Other Drugs. It should be a good movie season!

A new blog to follow

I found the cutest blog today...Fortunes and Charms. Here is the link:

http://www.fortunesandcharms.com/

I love collage art and she has all these little collage pieces for sale. She creates little bags with various collage art that can be put together-"collage kits"...maybe I will find some inspiration!

Mike's tree

I wish I took a picture of Mike's tree today. My mom and dad met me at the cemetery and put ornaments on the tree by Mike's grave. It looks festive enough, but simple enough, just like Mike would like it. Not a lot of pomp and circumstance, just some glitterings of gold, silver, red, blue and green. And lots and lots of love.

The cemetery has a definitive effect on me. It is always one of peace and comfort. I think it has to do with the contemplative nature of the space-the trees, the lack of people, the quiet. I often feel that it is a third home (the first-mine, the second-my parents). I go there and rarely feel sadness-I feel peaceful and meditative. Heck, I talk to Mike 7 days a week at home, in the car, at work...when I go to the cemetery it feels different, like it is is his place, his space and I get to visit and enjoy. The area where he is buried is so lovely- lots of trees and space. I also find peace in visiting his "neighbors"-a teenage boy, another man in his 30's, and others who all inhabit this same section of the cemetery. My parents and I looked at the other trees and appreciated the ornaments and other decorations. We agreed that Mike's is perfect-simple but festive for the season.

Just how I am feeling. My house is decorated the exact way I would like it. I have a lovely little tree, lights, and some decorations on the dining room table. I do have one rule of decorating-don't put stuff places I will forget about. So, I don't decorate obscurely in the bathroom, kitchen or office-I decorate in places I can see so I can easily take it down when it is time to start hoping for the spring. I have taken lessons of Mike's life I now make my own-do what is meaningful to me, not what I think other people expect. A lesson I will always carry.

Chchchanges

Okay, so I have noticed something different about myself lately. I am not sure if I know how I feel about it. I looked in the mirror and noticed that my face is becoming moon shaped. Oh, and that there is a little extra skin under the chin. Some might call that a double chin.

I was looking at pictures of myself from 2006 and noticed my face was a perfect shape. Kind of heart like, with a nicely defined jaw. So, what happened? Yes, my readers, I am starting to notice that as I age my features are changing. Of course, that double chin might actually disappear if I lost a few pounds, but still...I am seeing the changes that evolve over time.

I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil the other day about a reality TV show called Bridalplasty, where soon-to-be-brides compete for plastic surgery before their wedding day. There are many disturbing aspects on many levels with that concept. The most disturbing to me is the denial that the end goal is this false sense of beauty they have. First, I wanted to actually see pictures of their husbands-I mean, how hunky are they? Would the husbands do a little lipo to fit perfectly in a tux? Get botox so their lips are fuller? Have the fat sucked out of their man-breasts? Second, I wanted to tell these women about the nature of love and marriage. 'Til death do us part means that they get to see each other in all their glory-from the glowing bride, to the wrinkles, to the getting soft around the middle, to the liver spots...All of that is the beauty of choosing one person to spend life with.

Although I look in the mirror and see changes-the rounder face, the muffin top, the upper arms where jello has inhabited space where muscle used to be-I recall something that keeps me loving myself for who I am. Mike was in the hospital for one of many times, and I had gained about 20 pounds from stress and hospital food. I remember looking in the mirror and getting a glimpse of my body shape and I said, "Man, I could stand to lose a few pounds." Mike said to the nurse in the room, "Don't you think she is perfect just the way she is?"

My wish to all the contestants on Bridalplasty-may you be married to someone who loves you just the way you are.