It doesn't matter anymore...

I went to a meeting of a bookclub that I might join. I think I like these women a ton...they are all very much intellectual about their book discussion. I will give it one more meeting to see if I will stick to it. Yes...I am still a part of the bookclub that has stolen my heart...this one was just an added bonus.

The meeting was held close to 18th so I took 18th West...past the hospital that took Mike time and time again and really took him in the end. I decided it was time for me...to go there. I haven't even driven past Washington on 17th since August. Somehow though Presbyterian St. Lukes was calling my name tonight. I parked where I used to park. I took the elevator to the lobby. I looked around, remembering all the ER and hospital visits. And then...I went there. To the 4th floor, Oncology. At first I just sat in the elevator as it opened and closed. I then went back and got out. I saw one nurse on the phone. I saw Mike's nurse at the end of the hall talking with a patient. I realized..."They don't need me and Mike." Which led to the realization that I don't want this to be my reality. And even though I call Mike time and time again to comfort me...I realized he doesn't want this to be his reality.

I managed to escape onto the elevator with no one noticing me. I made it back to the car. I felt triumphant. I left Mike's nurse a message that I really didn't need to know what they talked about that night. That it doesn't really matter anymore. That they have patients to deal with, not the memory of a patient. As I am writing now...she left me a message to call her so we could talk. I left it as a new message so I will not forget. I don't have the anger, fear or frustration that I did when I called her and told her I won't speak to her unless she told me what they discussed that last night. In the end, whatever they discussed gave Mike comfort. I hope that it gave him the will to live until I came to see him. Someone who cared for him a lot was there with him and that to me is all that matters.

All of this is on my mind because I am actively working with grief. But I also saw The Lovely Bones and this movie gave me a sense of where Mike might be right now...and maybe how I might be a part of that. If I let him go he may evolve into utter bliss...heaven. If I keep wishing him to be here he might be stuck in the in between. I want Mike to have bliss. I want me to have bliss. And then, in the end, as Flannery O' Connor might say "Everything that rises must converge."